


Ten Feet Off the Ground

by DarkJediQueen



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Assisted Suicide, Canon-Typical Violence, Crime Drama, First Time, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-03-10 03:30:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 63,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18930388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkJediQueen/pseuds/DarkJediQueen
Summary: Spencer did not realize what kind of ripples would come out of him not moving his mother but then who does know what happens when decisions are made. Even decisions that should have little effect on the others around him.





	1. The Inevitable Fight

**Author's Note:**

> **Year** : Pre-Season 12 (Summer 2016 Forward)  
>  **Spoilers** : Up Through Season 14  
>  **Notes** : While writing this, a single song kept running through my head. Apologize by OneRepublic. I want to thank Jilly and Keira for putting the Quantum Bang on. Also for rivermoon1970 for making me the most amazing art for this story.  
>  **Beta** : Grammarly

Spencer Reid had never been more nervous in his life. He raised his hand up and almost knocked on the door but instead lowered it again for the third time. He wrapped his arms around his chest and walked to the end of the hall to the single window that looked out into the DC traffic. It was in the afternoon on Sunday, so the traffic was light, churchgoers were already home, and everyone else was just toiling around doing whatever they needed to do. Spencer had ridden the bus close and then walked the rest of the way, forcing himself to actually do it because a bus wasn't coming back to the area for at least an hour. He had chickened out three times before today. Spencer knew if he gave himself a chance, he would do it again.

It was one thing to seek Hotch out when they were at work and ask for his help, his opinion, but this wasn't something that he wanted to discuss in the office. He didn't know what to do.

"You do realize that after Foyet that the hall has cameras, right?" Hotch asked, his voice ringing down the hall.

Spencer turned around and saw that Hotch was standing just outside of his apartment door. The door behind was still open, but there was no noise coming from inside. Spencer swallowed and couldn't answer. Spencer had known that he and Hotch had discussed it quite a bit. They had discussed a lot of things. 

"There is also a security guard who watches them. Thankfully, he recognized you from my team and just called up to tell me instead of calling the cops. Why don't you come inside, Reid?" Hotch didn't look upset. Frankly, he looked worried.

"Okay," Spencer said, and he took a few steps towards Hotch's apartment. Hotch didn't go inside, and Spencer slowed down, looking up at him. Spencer passed by him, and Hotch's hand dropped onto Spencer's shoulder. A brand of heat that felt good to Spencer who had been numb and cold for days. Spencer looked for Jack but didn't see the boy. The apartment was quiet feeling and almost empty because the sound of him wasn't there. "Where's Jack?"

"In his room reading a book and listening to music on his headphones. He was doing that before you came up onto the floor. I figure at some point I'll pull him out. Have you eaten lunch?" Hotch did not move his hand from Spencer's shoulder at all. Spencer was afraid to ask him to because he would, and Spencer wasn't sure that he wanted him to.

"It's that late already?" Spencer looked at the clock on the wall. It was well after one. Spencer knew that he had but hadn't put it into terms of food in his belly. He frowned as his stomach decided to rumble. Spencer laid a hand over his stomach like that would quiet it. Spencer felt the blush creeping up on his face. "I guess that it is. No, I have not eaten lunch."

"Then it's a good thing that I ordered your standard Chinese order, huh? Jack and I slept in, and we ate breakfast late, and so we are eating lunch late. It'll be here soon. Jack will eat in his bedroom. We have the afternoon to discuss whatever has you afraid of me, or at least afraid of talking to me and is causing you to sweat profusely."

"Sweating?" Spencer looked at his arms and saw that his shirt was sticking to him in a few places. Spencer didn't step away from Hotch's hand. He felt it squeeze and then push at him a little. He followed the push and walked over to where the living room area was. Hotch pushed him down into the corner of the large couch. Hotch sat down on the coffee table in front of him. Spencer tried not to react at how close the man was sitting. It was a thing that Hotch had always done when talking, like being closer, made the conversation better. Spencer wondered where he had picked up that quirk. Sometimes Spencer really liked it. When Hotch had been helping him through detox from Dilaudid when Hotch had been around after Maeve's death.

"It's fine, it's a very nervous sweat, but I'm not used to seeing it on you. You rarely ever get this nervous anymore, especially around me. I just want to help you."

"I know. I just...I don't know how to talk about this."

"The beginning is usually nice."

Spencer laughed at Hotch's very, very bad joke but it did help to settle him a little bit. He settled back on the couch and laid his head on the back, looking up at Hotch's immaculate ceiling. Spencer's did not look like that, there weren't cobwebs, but there were small collections of dusty areas. Spencer didn't care about cleaning his ceiling as often as he cleaned other parts of his apartment. He knew that he was stalling by thinking about weird and useless things. He had been stalling for hours, days, hell even weeks but he just didn't know what to do and asking for help had never been part of his make-up.

Diana Reid had been a good mother, as much as she could be with her problems. She had instilled in Spencer a mentality to do everything on his own. The two times that Spencer had asked for help, it had ended up being Hotch helping him because no one else stepped up and Spencer wasn't able to ask for help when it was things for himself. Spencer didn't blame Hotch for Maeve's death. She would have still been just as dead if the team had not helped Spencer because Spencer would not have got to her in time. It was still hard to open up to Hotch, no matter what he was opening up to him about.

Spencer had hated when Hotch had pulled him into his office to talk about what happened with his mother not that long ago. Not liking the fact that Spencer had not shared with at least him before going into a serious situation. Spencer could still feel Hotch's words as they drove into his heart. Unlike the conversation that happened after the whole situation in West Bune, Hotch had just talked about how every single person in that restaurant was in Spencer's hands, and if their UnSub had proved to be better at getting into Spencer's head, it could have ended badly. It wasn't just Spencer's life on the line. Hotch's last statement before he had let Spencer talk had been forever cemented into Spencer's brain.

"I don't ever want to be the one that has to go to your mother and tell her that you died in the line of duty because of something that we could have stopped if you had just opened up to us." The tone, the look on Hotch's face as he said it, the look of utter pain in his eyes would forever be stuck in Spencer's mind.

"I don't-" Spencer snapped his jaw together and sighed before he looked up at Hotch. Hotch was looking at him with the concerned face that he used a lot with Spencer. It wasn't patronizing, but it was different than how Rossi looked at Spencer when he was worried and very different from the way that JJ and Morgan looked at him. Spencer couldn't figure out what it meant, and that was not helping. Spencer didn't like not knowing what a look meant and talking to Morgan about it had not helped because Morgan didn't know what it meant either. Morgan had never seen Hotch make that face either.

"How about a drink?" Hotch asked as he stood up and walked over to where there was already a bottle of some kind out and two glasses. Spencer really hoped that Hotch didn't leave those out all the time. Jack was a good kid, but the temptation was the mother of all evil. "When Bob told me that you were hesitant to knock and kept on pacing, I thought that a drink might be in order, so I set it out."

"Just a little." Spencer didn't want to get drunk at all and let something foolish slip from his lips. Hotch and Rossi both liked very strong liquors, and those never did well with Spencer. The color was off for Hotch's usual scotch though, and it wasn't until Spencer was holding the glass and seeing that there was more in it than just a little that it was brandy. Spencer's preferred drink. Spencer took a sniff of it and found that it was his preferred brand and flavor as well.

"I don't have brandy glasses. I really don't have much besides these and glasses I use for tea. Tea glasses are not meant for this." The look on Hotch's face as he said told Spencer that he had ideas of what was to be used for things like this and what was not. One day Spencer vowed to find out his ideas on it all. He wouldn't be able to get away with it now, though.

"No, they are really not." Spencer took a sip before he opened his mouth.

"Ah!" Hotch held up a hand. "No distracting yourself and me with the discussion of how each alcohol got its own glass and method of drinking. I would gladly listen to it but not today." The smile on Hotch's face was the same that was always there when he had to stop one of Spencer's babbles. It was never done maliciously, but Spencer had never quite got the hang of when and where it was allowed.

Spencer sighed, but he knew that would probably never get off the topic if allowed onto it and then they would be there all day and Jack would come out and then Spencer would not talk about it at all.

"I've always taken care of mom. It's been her and me since I was ten. Even when I was away at Caltech, I was the one that arranged for people to check in on her and feed her and just care for her. I took care of her." Spencer didn't know what to do because he did not want to give up his life for her. It sounded horrible, but he would hate it, and so would she.

"And now?"

"I don't know what to do to take care of her anymore. I don't know what to do." Spencer rubbed his free hand over his face and sighed again. He really needed to get calm and hoped that just talking with Hotch would help him do that. Hotch was good at making his own bias not known when talking to someone. It was why he was such a good lawyer when he had been one and why he did as well as he did in the BAU. Spencer had found some of the court transcripts from the cases that Hotch had run before he had left the DA's office. Spencer had used them as a way to learn more about his new boss when he had stepped up after Bale had sent Gideon into leave. Spencer had learned a lot about the man just reading the court transcripts. The way that he cross-examined witnesses, and perps alike. He was always careful with victims. That was how Spencer knew he could trust the man in his life. 

Spencer had never thought that he had ever got an erection from reading things that were not erotica before, but he had from just reading Hotch smacking down people. That of course had been long after his crush on Hotch had started. That had just seemed to make Spencer want him even more. The attraction to Hotch had always been in the background to Spencer's life until it wasn't anymore. Until Spencer was genuinely faced with the fact that Aaron Hotchner might be an ally to anyone who wasn't straight, he himself was very straight. Spencer had filed away his attraction to Hotch to the dark recesses of his mind, but it hadn't really gone away it seemed. Instead, it just seemed to grow inside of Spencer until it had turned from attraction to lust and finally to the death knell of love.

It wasn't until he was sitting in his apartment two months after Maeve's death that Spencer realized that he loved Hotch and that was he wasn't sure exactly how long he had loved the man. It wasn't a coincidence that Spencer had started to find someone that he hoped could love him back not long after Beth had entered Hotch's life. Spencer wasn't sure if anyone else figured that out. Hell, he wasn't sure if anyone else knew that Spencer loved Hotch. Spencer had got very good a managing his body around the man.

"Spencer," Hotch said, drawing Spencer out of his thoughts and back to where he was. Hotch was looking at him with that indulgent smile on his face that said that Hotch was used to it and not upset at all. Hotch frowned though as Spencer said nothing else. "I can't help you if you don't explain it a little better Spencer."

"I'm slowly losing her. I can't fix that, but there are ways to try. There are programs and facilities that can house her, even with her mental issues. There are studies and trials that she can do, but she would have to be moved from Bennington."

"Why can't she stay there?"

"None are being done close to her. I want to take care of her. She took care of me."

There was a look on Hotch's face that made Spencer nearly blow up at him, but as soon as Spencer opened his mouth, Hotch's eyebrow raised, and Spencer deflated. Spencer slumped back onto the couch.

"I know that she took care of you as much as she could, Spencer. I know that. She did and still does love you more than anyone in the world. I understand what she sacrificed going off of her meds to have you and that after none of them worked the way that they should have. Your parents, both of them, were a little short sighted on those effects. They should have had a plan in place before taking her off the meds and a clear plan of what was to happen. Though I think that after meeting your father, he would have still left you with her like it happened, but maybe something different would have happened. Though I don't think Monday morning quarterbacking is what you are here for."

"What's that?" Spencer asked. He frowned trying to sift through all of his memories of Morgan and his football talk.

"Someone who always tries to point out what he or she would have done differently after an event has passed. It got that because of people complaining over quarterbacks on Monday morning after a Sunday night game."

"Oh, how have I never heard that phrase from Morgan before?"

"I don't know, but again, you aren't going to get me off track." Hotch scooted forward on the coffee table until his knees were touching Spencer's and he set down his glass of brandy on the table beside him. Hotch took the other away from Spencer and set it down as well. He reached out and forced Spencer eyes onto him. "What does she want?"

"What?" Spencer asked.

"What does your mother want? Does she want to be studied? Given medicines that no one has any idea of what they are going to do to her mental health? Does she want to move to a new place after spending over fifteen years there at Bennington? You've said time and again that she's happy there. She's going to degenerate fast once it happens and with her other mental instability, there is no way to track how that's going to happen. I'll give you long weekends, Spencer if you want more time with her. You can leave on Thursday and come back on Monday or leave on Friday and come back on Tuesday. I can do three day weekends for you so that you can see her."

Spencer stared at Hotch and tried to process what he was saying. There was a part of his mind that understood that this was why he was here. Hotch was level-headed. Hotch understood how to tell Spencer things to get him to understand why he was thinking the way that he was. There was, however, a more emotional part of Spencer though that was not liking the way that Hotch's opinion was going.

Shoving at Hotch's knees did nothing to push the man back from him. Spencer frowned and shoved again. All that did was make Hotch grab his hands. Spencer used that to shove at him, but Hotch didn't move at all other than his arms, letting Spencer press them all the way to his chest.

"You want me to abandon her? Leave her in Bennington and let her mind die?" Spencer was loud, he knew that he was. He didn't care. He shoved at Hotch again, but the man didn't move, barely let Spencer push at his hands his time. The look on Hotch's face was full of pity. That made Spencer snarl. "Don't fucking do that, Hotch. Don't."

"Spencer, please."

"NO!" Spencer near yelled he jerked on his hands, trying to get away but Hotch didn't let go, and he didn't let Spencer get away from him. "Don't. I won't let her just die without fighting. I love her, and I'm not going to lose her."

"You were already going to lose her to her disease, and now she has another, and I know you are scared, Spencer. You don't want to ever lose her, but there is nothing that you can do to stop what is going to happen. It's your job to make her last years, what she can remember of it the best of her life."

"What the hell do you know?" Spencer demanded as he jerked on his hands again. He wanted Hotch to let him go, and he wanted it now. It didn't seem like the man was going to so Spencer went for the proverbial jugular. "What the hell do you know about parents and loving them? I don't even know why I came here. You have no idea about how it hurts to see parents ill. You were happy the day your father died."

Hotch said nothing, he didn't even flinch as Spencer said vile things about him. He just looked at Spencer with a sad look on his face and then pulled Spencer close to him. Hotch wrapped his arms around Spencer as quick as he could after letting go for his wrists. It wasn't until Spencer was jerked forward in the movement and he crashed into Hotch's shoulder that he realized that he was crying. Spencer wiggled his arms from in between them and wrapped them awkwardly around Hotch and buried his face in his neck to cry. Spencer let go for the first time in a very long time. He let go and surrendered to the emotions inside of him because Hotch would never let him fall. Ever. 

In Spencer's life, Hotch was the one person who had never let him down. Ever. Hotch held Spencer close and the only time that they moved was when Hotch settled them onto the couch. Spencer should have felt odd half laying on his boss while he cried into his shoulder, but he didn't. He just felt safe. And loved. He knew that the love, the intimate love, was just one-sided on his part but Hotch did love him, as a friend, as family. Maybe even like a brother, Spencer never could figure that out. Hotch's relationship with his brother was very tenuous, so it wasn't a good measure of how Hotch used to love his brother. Still, Spencer basked in that love because this team was soon going to be the only family that he had left. 

"I'm glad you came to me, Reid," Hotch said after Spencer had finally stopped crying. He hadn't got off of Hotch yet, but Hotch was making no move to try and get him off either. "You are hurting, and I hate to see you in pain like this. You are forgiven for the words you said. You reacted in pain and tried to lash out. We are both too good at the game to not go for the parts that hit the hardest. Yes, I was happy the day my father died because it meant that I was safe, it meant that Sean was safe. I was a teenager, so there was a little bit of outright glee that he was dead, but I grew out of that, and it was just that feeling of safety. You are safe here, no matter what you say. I don't care if you yell and scream at me that I'm the worst human in the world. I won't get angry with you." 

Hotch's words almost had Spencer crying again. Hotch's hands held Spencer tight, and when Spencer started to get up long before he was ready, Hotch's hand pushed his head back down. They settled in on the couch like that until the food came. Nothing was said about any of it until after the meal was eaten and things were cleaned up. 

Spencer watched as his mother wrote in her journal. She was smiling as she did. Spencer didn't even move for ten minutes. The sunroom was empty as many of the other residents of Bennington were either at the game of bingo that was going on or watching TV in one of the other rooms. Spencer knew that she didn't like the crowds of either option, but sometimes she would move to the hall outside of one of the TV rooms and listen. 

"Spencer," Doctor Norman said as he stepped up beside Spencer. Spencer looked at him. He nodded his head in a direction that was opposite where his mother was. 

Spencer followed him over there. Doctor Norman looked normal, but then he was good at playing things close to the vest. 

"How's she been doing?" Spencer asked. 

"She's been good. I have rotated a new staff member to her floor. New to the floor but not new to her. She and your mother were close before she moved to a different floor a few years ago. Diana is taking well to her being back, and we hope that her memories of that time are long to go away. I want to keep her here on this wing for as long as possible. I would like to go it until the end, whenever that might be but if she becomes too violent between her schizophrenia and her Alzheimer's, I will have to move her for the safety of other patients."

"I understand."

"Have you made a decision?"

"No, I'm going to talk to her, though. My boss has given me the time off needed until I have a good day with her and get her feelings on it all."

"That's a good thing. I'll keep other residents away for a little bit just in case she freaks out some and make sure that her favorite nurse is nearby. If you need anything just let me know. I would also like to offer you a cot in her room again if you want. It wasn't as bad as I thought last time and she might need that. You might need it." 

"Thank you, I'll let you know." 

Spencer watched as Doctor Norman walked away. He turned to look at his mom, still engrossed in writing in her book. Spencer felt his stomach start to churn. He needed to talk to her, but he didn't want to because he was pretty damned sure that he already knew what she was going to say and he didn't like it. Spencer reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. It was already on silent he knew that, but he needed to check to be sure. There was a message from Hotch. 

_You have four weeks of vacation time to use. Dave donated two weeks, and the rest of the team donated a day or two each as well as Anderson gave you a few days. You take the time you need to get in some good memories with your mother. Go to the grand canyon with her. Take her to Paris._

Spencer smiled at his phone and sent back a quick thank you as well as asking Hotch to thank everyone for him. He put his phone back to sleep and slipped it into his pocket. He looked up at his mom again and found that she was staring out the window, her pen inside of the journal, and it closed. Spencer decided that it was now or never to go and talk to her because if he waited, he would leave and then he would keep doing the same thing over and over again until his four weeks were up and he was going home. If he didn't give up before then anyway. 

"Hey Mom," Spencer said as he stepped up beside her. 

Diana looked at Spencer with a smile on her face. 

"Hello, Spencer, you did not tell me in your letter that you were coming."

"I didn't know I was coming. My boss moved things around last minute so that I could come."

"Agent Hotchner is a charming man," Diana said. 

"Yes, he is."

"I still ache when I think about losing his ex-wife like he did. I know that nothing could have stopped that from happening, but I worry about the boy. He's happy, right?"

"As much as he can be. I mean Mother's Day is hard and really so isn't Father's Day. Jessica, Jack's aunt, tries to help where she can and then step back where she's needed to. Haley used to bring breakfast to Hotch's on Father's Day with Jack. They might have been divorced, but she tried her best to be a good role model for her son once she got over the hurt of the failure of the relationship. Hotch did the same on Mother's Day, and I think really that it was the reason why she started to do it, but still, they were both good for Jack once they got past it all."

"So he's doing good?"

"Yes, he was doing art therapy for a while as he was not good at writing, but I think that the art grew on him. He really likes drawing, and he and Henry have been working on a comic about superheroes. I think that all of the superheroes look like us, but Jack won't admit to it. He's a well-adjusted boy for what happened in his life. It helps that he has a wonderful and very engaged father. Hotch would do anything for him even if it means that Hotch gets a little less time with him."

"What hobbies does the boy have?"

"He likes reading, and drawing of course, but he's been enjoying soccer. Hotch has started to coach the team because none of the other parents like to look up from their phones long enough to do anything." Spencer laughed a little because he remembered the gripe from Hotch about that the one morning that the team needed to go straight to the jet, so Hotch had picked him up from his apartment so that he didn't have to take the train in and delay them. Usually, that was Morgan's job, but since Morgan had retired, Hotch had stepped up and taken that over. 

"Young Jack will grow up better for the attention that his father gives him. He sounds like a wonderful father."

"He is." Spencer knew that his tone was wistful. He didn't say anything else though because he and his mother didn't need to get into the past like that. Spencer looked down at his hands and then back up at Diana. He gave her a careful smile. "Speaking of good parents."

"Spencer," Diana said, and she sighed as she did. She looked away from Spencer and out into the garden. 

Spencer didn't say anything because he knew that it would take a few moments for his mother to gather her thoughts and be able to express them. Spencer just stared at her as he waited. 

"I've had a good life. I've got to see you grow up into a wonderful man despite what my own mental health could have done and your father left you with me could have wrought on the world. I've known since you were an infant that it could have gone either way. You could have been a force for good, or you could have been a monster that tried to destroy the world. Instead, you were fighting for those who can't fight for themselves. You are a wonderful human, and it shows in everything that you do. You did something that most with your brain wouldn't do, you are doing public service. That's enough for me to tell me that I did everything right. I couldn't have damaged you much." Diana smiled at Spencer and reached out her hand. 

Spencer shuffled closer, sitting on the arm of her chair so that she could cup the side of his face. Spencer closed his eyes and turned his head to press his cheek into her hand harder. 

"You did wonderful with me, Mom. You allowed me to become who I wanted to be. We had a few bumps here and there but nothing that is any worse than what some other kids go through. You were and are a wonderful mother who did the best that she could. Let me return that favor and do the best that I can for you, please?" 

"Spencer, I'm tired. I've worked for a long time at being stable, but I'll not be stable like that again. I can feel my mind slipping away, and it scares me, but I hate that I've hurt you with the fact that you came in here one day and I didn't know who you were. I know that there are more times coming that I won't know you from a stranger on the street, but I've always known before that it's you. I might not be able to connect your face, but I always make time for you, even if I think you are a student." Diana forced Spencer eyes up to her, and Spencer could see the pain in them. "There is nothing that is going to stop what is coming, there is a slim chance that it can be delayed, but we don't know with the medications that my body already has in it. I have had a good life. It's been better since you had me put in here. I might have disliked you for a while after that, but it has been better. I know that you love me, Spencer and I love you. I cannot see my life as being anything good without you in it."

Spencer felt his heart in his throat because even without her saying it, Spencer knew that his mom didn't want to do the treatment. He swallowed and tried to clear his throat, but it wasn't going to happen. Closing his eyes for a few seconds, Spencer prepared for the words that were going to come next from Diana's mouth.

"I know that right now you cannot envision a future where I am not in it, at least not for a long time but Spencer, I'm tired, and I've taught you everything that you need. You have a new family, and it's time to embrace them instead of clinging to me. Trying to keep me sane and here on this earth will only hurt you more in the long run, get your hopes up more and more only for it to fail. I cannot be around forever, and it's better to let me go with dignity than nothing at all. Let me have that."

"Okay," Spencer said, and his voice cracked. He knew that he was near tears, and he would let them fall. Just not yet.

"I love you more than my own life. You know that."

"I know, you wanted me so much that you hurt yourself doing it. It's a burden that I have to live with even though you never thought of it like that and hate that I do. I don't want to lose you, but I will agree with what you want because it's what you want. I've only ever acted when it wasn't what you wanted once, and I will never regret it, but this I would. Hotch has given me a few weeks off. How do you feel about making that Paris trip?"

"Pairs would be lovely," Diana said. She gripped Spencer's cheeks and brought him close to where she could kiss his forehead. 

"I'll take care of everything today and then tomorrow I can come over, and we can start to plan. One last big trip for you before-" Spencer stopped because he didn't want to say it. 

"One last trip." 


	2. Returning to Normal

Spencer smiled at Anderson as the man ran for the elevator. Spencer was the only one on it so he pressed the hold door open button so that Anderson could get on. 

"Thanks," Anderson said as he slipped into the elevator. His eyes were on the tray of drink in Spencer's hand. 

Spencer handed over one of them to the man with a smile. "This is a thanks for the vacation time, so I could go to Paris with Mom. I know that the value is no way equal, but on my end, the time that I got with her was invaluable." 

"You are quite welcome. Hotch said that you were going to Paris, and none of us really believed us until we got the postcards." Anderson took a sip of his drink, and his face lit up. "That's an outstanding Chai. Where did you get this?" 

Spencer watched Anderson as he looked at the cup for a logo or anything on it. "It's from a place that opened up a few months ago here in Quantico. I've been at work for a while now, and I needed a drink. Hotch and Rossi will be in soon, and the other two are for them. You three gave me the most time off from your own."

"I had plans for a convention, but those fell through as my friends aren't going to be able to go, so I plan on taking a long weekend in New York City."

"That sounds like fun." Spencer lifted his drink out of the carrier and took a sip. He had already had two cups of coffee before he had left home and had grabbed a latte on the way in to drink on the train. He had picked out a Chai latte for himself as well as Anderson. 

"It will be. Not as much as the convention, but I don't like to go alone." 

The doors opened, and Spencer saw that Hotch was standing at Spencer's desk. He had a grin on his face, so Spencer wasn't that worried that it was something terrible. Anderson toasted Spencer with his Chai and walked toward where his desk was on the other side of the glass doors. Spencer set his drink back down into the carrier and lifted out Hotch's.

"Welcome back, Reid," Hotch said with one of his rare smiles on his face. Spencer handed over the drink, and Hotch took it, taking a sip before he smiled. "My favorite, which I still can't figure out how you know."

"And I'm never telling."

"I wanted to invite you up, and we can talk."

Spencer eyed Hotch, and the man just gave him another smile. 

"It's nothing bad just something private." 

"Sure. I got a jump start on work. Let me leave this on Rossi's desk, and I'll come over to your office." Spencer raised the tray with his and Rossi's drinks on it and smiled. Hotch nodded his head before turning to go up to his office. Spencer walked the long way to Rossi's office so that he wasn't getting into Hotch's way. He set the drink down in the middle of the desk and added his signature to a post-it note before attaching it like a flag to the side of the cup. Rossi was just paranoid enough that he probably wouldn't drink it unless he knew who had left the drink. Spencer left his door open as that was the way that he had found it and tossed his carrier into the trash can that was just below the ramp he was walking on. His drink was in hand, and when he entered Hotch's office, he shut the door behind him. 

Spencer stopped because Hotch was not at his desk. Spencer wasn't sure what he was supposed to do. Should he sit in the chair, and wait for the man to get back? Go to his desk, and work while waiting? Hotch said he would be there, so he wasn't sure why he wasn't there. 

"Behind you," Hotch said, and Spencer turned around to look at the man who was seated on the couch instead of at his desk. Hotch rarely sat there unless he was meeting with victims, victims' families. Spencer had used the couch when he had been recovering from being shot in the leg as he needed to sometimes keep it up. Hotch had welcomed him in with open arms to share the office.

The last time that Spencer had sat down on the couches in Hotch's office was when he was there as part of the interview after Prentiss's faked death, the grief assessments that Hotch had done instead of Strauss. Spencer wondered why Hotch had chosen to sit there this time. Spencer took the chair that was between the two couches and looked down at his drink. 

"I just wanted to talk about your Mom, Reid."

"Oh. Why?"

"Because unless I force you to talk about it, you won't, and then you'll end up looking like you are planning something horrible again while pacing outside of my apartment."

"That was once," Spencer said, but he saw the quirk on Hotch's mouth that said he was trying not to laugh. Most of the people that Spencer worked with never saw it when Hotch did it. Spencer wasn't sure if it was just something that Spencer noticed because he watched Hotch a lot or because he just people watched a lot and caught the small things that other people missed. 

"Yes, well, my building security has asked about you a few times, worried you were suicidal or something. I made them understand you are not. I just want to touch base with you. We used to be closer. Before Prentiss, and then everything with Maeve, and then Morgan. You and I used to talk a lot when it was just the two of us here. While you were gone, I tried to narrow it down to a point where it stopped, and I realized that it was after Prentiss was back. You came to me a few times, and then it stopped right about when we missed your birthday." 

Spencer knew that he couldn't lie, not to Hotch so instead of confirming that he just shrugged. He looked away from Hotch and focused on a spot on the wall just to the side of where Hotch was. 

"You even after all of this time, you still think that I'll not jump on that. Just as I said that day, I have no reason to give other than it just really did slip my mind. It wasn't malicious even though I am sure that you thought it felt that way."

"Everyone was focused on Prentiss," Spencer said. He flexed his hand that wasn't holding his Chai and looked at it. "Everyone was focused on her, so anything to do with anyone else slipped their minds. I was the only birthday between her coming back and that point, so no one else's as missed. They didn't miss yours even if we were on a case at the time. The meal out was nice." 

"It doesn't mean you are less important."

Spencer begged to differ, but he wasn't going to say it. He knew where he stood. He knew he was the sore thumb on the team, the squeaky wheel that only got attention when he was making noise. He had thought for a while that he had found something different, but it was just more of the same. 

"Mom's doing good. We have her settled again in Bennington, and she's happy to be home. She enjoyed the trip with the nurse tagging along. It made it nice so that I could do things that I wanted and then she could as well. Paying for her to go with us was a good idea. I'm glad that you suggested it. I'm happy to be home and ready to get back to work. Is there anything else?" Spencer really hoped that Hotch would let him go and get back to the job he was being paid for. 

Hotch sighed, and that forced Spencer to look at him. There was a look of pain on Hotch's face. 

"I can't make you talk to me. I can't make you talk to anyone, so yes, if that's all you want to say to me, I won't force more." 

Spencer stood up, and as he was getting ready to take a step, he felt the sadness from Hotch. Hotch had Rossi, that was what Spencer had told himself when he had started to pull away from Hotch when it was clear that everything was pretty much one-sided even with their friendship. Hotch had Rossi and Spencer had his letters to his mom that he could vent to. Spencer looked around the office, and then he dropped down into the seat again. He could feel Hotch's eyes on him. 

"Why?" Spencer asked.

"Why what?" Hotch asked. 

"It's been nearly five years since we've hung out as you have pointed out. Why now?" 

"Because I realized that I'm lonely."

"And because Spencer Reid doesn't have anyone but this team that means that I get what scraps you have, huh?" The words were harsh, but Spencer really didn't care. Hotch needed to choose his words a little more carefully. 

"No, Reid." Hotch leaned forward and rubbed his hands over his face. His face stayed buried in his hands, and it seemed to be gathering his thoughts. Spencer waited. Finally, Hotch looked up at Spencer after several minutes. "Even though the subject matter was horrible and I was a little harsh that day you came to my apartment you reminded me of what we used to have. We are both at fault for losing that. Yes, you stepped away, trying to protect yourself, but I didn't try and reconnect either. I didn't show you that I would miss you. We both kind of lost it there, and it wasn't until I saw what we used to have that I realized that I was lonely. Dave's a good work friend. He's good when we are here, but outside of it, he does too much that's not at home. I kind like of being homebound. Jack's schedule is messy, and so isn't work for me. I would rather stay at home and watch a movie, cook a meal. Just do homey things. We used to do that. I don't know if it was the fact that you thought I couldn't be what Jack needed, so you helped to try and teach me, and there were a few things that I learned. You lived alone on campus and then after for a long time. I've never lived alone until I moved out of the house when Haley left me. I have also never raised a child alone, you had to raise yourself and take care of your mother. I was grateful for the help back then, and it took me a long time to see it. And that I missed you when you were gone."

"I've missed it too," Spencer said, and he meant it. He had missed the bond the two of them had started to form in the two years between Haley dying and the return of Prentiss and the whole birthday debacle. 

"I'm glad. We let too much get in the way of the friendship that we had. We both need to do better, and we need to hold each other accountable. To that end, Jack wants to invite you for dinner. Today is your first day back, but I hoped that you would still want to come over. I think that Jack kind of realized you aren't around as much anymore as well. I think he misses being able to ask you anything and you know at least a little bit about it. I kind of miss that as well." Hotch was smiling as he said it. It was a hesitant smile like he was afraid that he might have crossed a line or something.

"I wasn't planning on doing anything. My cleaning lady isn't going to be there until tomorrow, so everything is kind of dusty. I had her come in and clean my bedroom quickly the other day because of where I stayed away so long. I paid her to clean but didn't have her actually come and clean, and then her kids came to visit, and I told her to enjoy that so cleaning the kitchen before being able to cook is not something I want to do."

"Who would?" Hotch asked. He picked up his phone from where he had set it down. Spencer hadn't even seen him do that or realized that his phone was not on its clip. "I'll text Jessica that I'll be getting off early as I want to have a nice evening at home."

"Are you sure you want me invading that. It's never that quiet when I'm around." Spencer knew that he wasn't quiet when he was at Hotch's, but that was mainly from the fact that Jack asked a lot of questions or wanted Spencer to tell him a story, even at the few team things that they had done over the past few years, Jack proved to not change that much on that front. 

"And that's what makes it a nice evening at home, Reid. Friends and family and happiness. Doesn't matter if it's loud or quiet." Hotch was smiling, and Spencer knew that he was going to get sucked into that again, but this time Spencer knew his own feelings and understood them and every single day was going to be pain for him. 

Wasn't that what one did if one was in love? Everything to make the other happy? Even if it killed you. Spencer was pretty sure that it was the basis of all tragic stories that had to do with romance. It was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, and all other shit like that was right, even if Spencer had never thought so before in his life. He wasn't going to give up time with Hotch. 

Spencer hesitated on knocking for a few seconds, trying to work himself up to where his heart wasn't going to ache when the night ended when he went home alone. He shifted the bag in his hand to the other before he raised that newly freed hand to knock on the door. There was the sound of running feet, and Spencer shut his eyes as that ache already started. Jack didn't sound any different than how he had before, and even though Spencer had perfect recall of what he read, there were sounds that never left Spencer's brain. 

Plastering on a smile, Spencer waited for the door to open and Jack to admit him. The door opened, just enough that said the chain was still on it before it was shut and flung open after the rattle of the chain told Spencer that it had been removed from the door. Jack was so big compared to even the last time that Spencer had seen him, not counting him being at the office when Hotch had been arrested on ridiculous charges. Spencer's mind had been focused on things that were not Jack, and what seemed like the inch he had grown in a few months. 

"Spencer!" Jack wrapped his arms around Spencer's waist, trapping Spencer's arm holding the bag to his body. Spencer reached down and ruffled his hair. 

"Hey, Jack-Jack," Spencer said, and he forced a smile on his face. The same one that he put on his face every time the team forced him out. No one had ever been able to realize that it was fake before. Spencer wondered as he always did if it was that he was that good or that they were that bad at reading him. He wasn't sure that he wanted to know the answer. 

Spencer looked up when he heard soft steps on the carpet. Hotch was there, dressed down for the night in polo shirt and jeans with no socks. Spencer gave him a brighter smile, not having to fake that one was much as Hotch looked good and that made Spencer smile. Age was creeping on Hotch slowly, but when he smiled, he looked a lot younger. He would still be one of the most handsome men that Spencer had ever seen and it was that thought that told Spencer he was stupidly in love still. He had pushed the thoughts away, but he not been able to get rid of them. 

"Welcome," Hotch said. 

"Thanks for inviting me. I thought we could celebrate." Spencer held up the bag as far as he could with Jack still kind of wrapped around him. Jack let go though and looked down into the bag. 

"That looks like those bottles of stuff that Aunt Jessica drinks when her friends come over."

"It's not wine. It's sparkling white grape juice. It goes with anything." Spencer pulled out the bottle and showed Jack. There was a wine store near Spencer's that sold the juice to be used for parties where kids were going to be, and they even sold it already chilled for rush things. "I just need to put it in the fridge to keep it cold until we drink it."

"I never thought about that before," Hotch said. He held out his hand for the bottle. Spencer handed it over before he tried to follow Hotch into the kitchen.

Jack though waylaid Spencer by grabbing his hand and tugging him back into the back of the apartment where the three bedrooms were. Jack's room was much changed since the last time that Spencer had been in it. It was very pretty. It looked like a reverse night sky. The black was all around the bottom of the room where the bookshelves, dresser, and other things blocked most of it from being seen while the upper part was shades of purple and reds that got lighter until the ceiling which was light blue. 

"This is pretty awesome, Jack," Spencer said. 

"Dad found the image online, but I liked it flipped better. I moved into the guest room for a week while pulled everything out and then got the room painted. Then we carefully moved everything back in after the paint smell had gone away. Which also included one of the really nice windy days of having all of the windows in the apartment open and letting that help." Jack walked over to a patch of black on the wall that was where Jack's smaller short and wide bookshelf used to be. Instead, Jack had two bookshelves that towered up in the room, a footstool was in front of one to allow him to reach the upper shelves that he was just a little too short for even then. "I want a few constellations on the wall. Do you think that one day you can come back and do that with me? I want them perfect. I want them here."

"We can do it tonight." Spencer thought the idea of spending the entire night in Jack's room sounded better than being in the living room with Hotch. Spencer regretted agreeing to come. If he had talked Hotch into going out somewhere, it would have been better. Instead, Spencer was stuck in a house with the two Hotchner men. Both of which he couldn't say no to it seemed. 

"No. Dad and I have movies planned for tonight."

"Movies?"

"Oh, yes. He said that you have been woefully lacking on superhero movies and need to start watching them again."

"I don't need to, he just wants me to." Spencer gave Jack the smile that he always did when Hotch made Spencer watch movies that he didn't mind watching but didn't go out of his way to watch. 

Jack grinned and tugged at Spencer's hand again to pull him from the room. Jack didn't let him go until they were in the living room, and Spencer was being shoved down onto the couch that was aimed at the TV. Spencer looked at the spot where a chair used to be, where Spencer sat when watching movies before. He liked it because he could tuck his legs up and get comfortable. The chair was gone though. In fact, the only thing in the living room was the couch. The couch was big enough for three but compact enough that any movement and they would be touching. If Hotch were a different kind of man and Jack a different kind of kid, Spencer would suspect an ulterior motive in the sitting arrangement.

"Your chair is off getting repaired and reupholstered," Hotch said as he entered the room with three glasses in his hands. Two were set down on the coffee table, and the third was settled onto the end table at Spencer's end of the couch beside where his chair used to be. "There was an unfortunate accident with spaghetti and noodles that needed it being cleaned, so I had a place nearby just replaced the stuffing and the fabric as well."

"I bet you'll like having it match the rest of your decor more than the eyesore that was that chair." Spencer gave Hotch a smile at his words, trying to pass off the joke. Hotch's apartment was clean, looking, earthy tones. The chair had been a yellow and red paisley patterned eyesore. Spencer had loved it though. Spencer had never got a straight answer on why Hotch had bought the chair but on Spencer's third visit after Haley's death it had been in the living room area. Spencer had been over the house that Hotch and Haley had lived in, and the chair had not been in that house. 

Hotch sat down on the couch in the middle, and Jack piled onto the other side, snuggling into his father's side. Spencer debated if he would get away with sitting on the floor for now. He did it before, and right now he just wasn't comfortable sitting on the couch with Hotch right there. Spencer had hoped that maybe Jack would sit in the middle. Spencer grabbed his drink and set it down on the coffee table and tossed a pillow onto the floor to lean his back against to give it something softer than the wood of the front of the couch. 

The movie started, and Spencer lost himself in the words that were being said while also trying to tie in what he was seeing to the comics that he had read at some point. Spencer had not been die-hard into comics growing up, but when one read as fast as he did, he got to where he would read anything. When the movie was just about done, there was a knock on the door, and Hotch stopped it to go and answer it. Hotch chatted with the person, and when he came back, there were two pizzas in his hands. Hotch set them both down on the table and opened the top one before grabbing a piece. Jack reached in next. Spencer leaned closer to look at what was inside. It was Spencer's favorite pepperoni, green peppers, red onions, and pineapple. Obviously, Hotch wasn't going to have them use plates, so Spencer grabbed a slice and shut the box lid to keep the food warm. 

Hotch started the movie up again. The conversation ramped up between the three of them as the credits rolled. Spencer knew there were Easter egg bits in the credits, so he wasn't shocked that Hotch wasn't ejecting the DVD. Jack went to the kitchen and came back with the bottle of juice and then went back for glasses. Spencer was a little shocked that he grabbed real wine glasses and kind of shocked that Hotch had wine glasses, to begin with. Spencer remembered Jack's comment about Jessica liking wine, so Hotch had probably got a set of four for her to use when they were having a meal that wine went with. Spencer had never seen Hotch drink wine, so he didn't think that glasses were for his own personal use. 

"So?" Hotch asked as he popped the lid on the bottle and started to pour out the juice. It was sweet enough that Spencer was glad that Hotch had not got dessert to go with the pizza. Spencer liked sweets after eating kinds of pasta or pizzas to help cut the spice-ladened sauces. This juice would be enough.

"It was good. Not as good as the first ones but still good enough to watch at least one more time in my life," Spence said, letting a smile quirk his lips. Hotch laughed, and he looked years younger when he did, and it shocked Spencer every single time. Spencer memorized what he looked like right then to help settle his heart when Hotch chose the next woman to date in his quest to not be alone. 

Spencer wasn't sure that he knew what not being along felt like. He had been alone his whole life it seemed, other than his mother. Spencer could understand how someone like him could have turned out bad with mother issues, father issues, and a rage against the world. Spencer often wondered if that was why he was drawn to Hotch. Hotch had his own parental issues that were some ways worse than Spencer's. Hell, from what little Spencer had been able to piece together about Hotch's life growing up, it was a shock that Hotch hadn't turned out to be a serial killer. 

The second movie had more talking between the three of them during it. It was like the five years hadn't happened. Hotch smiled more when Spencer was around, but Spencer wasn't sure if that was because Hotch was at home and happy, or just Spencer being there and Spencer tried not to think too hard on that. Letting himself believe it was the second wasn't going to help him in any way, shape, or form.

Jack fell asleep against his father about ten minutes before the end of the second movie, so Hotch woke him and sent him to bed. Jack stopped where Spencer was long enough to give him a hug before he went to bed. Hotch spent a few minutes cleaning up and took their glasses into the kitchen. Spencer moved up onto the couch because there was no reason for Hotch to take the middle seat again and Spencer's ass was protesting the continued floor sitting. 

Hotch came back with two of the wine glasses, filled again. Spencer frowned because he was pretty sure that the juice had been finished off. Spencer took the glass when Hotch offered it. Spencer opened his mouth to ask what was in the glass when Hotch turned off the TV and the DVD player as he sat down on the couch at the opposite end. Spencer shut his mouth and just took a sip to find that it was wine. Really good wine at that, something that Spencer hadn't got outside of bringing home wine from California wineries when he went out there for a visit. 

"There is a vineyard in New England that Haley and I used to go to for weekend visits. I love their wine. I don't like many other wines, but I love theirs. Jack and I went there this past summer on our vacation, and I found the winery. I brought home a few bottles. Jessica loves the wine, so I got a few for presents for her. Usually, when a case runs long, I give her one. Do you like it?"

Spencer took another sip and let it settle in his mouth for a few seconds before he swallowed. He smiled at Hotch before speaking. "I do."

"I picked up a few years ago that you were liked wine but not most commercial brands. You were the one that picked up the brand of wine that helped solve that case three years ago. So I thought that you might like these wines. They have three signature ones." Hotch stood up and left the room very abruptly. Spencer wondered if he was supposed to follow him. 

Spencer started to get up to follow him when Hotch came back into the room with a bag. It was a cloth bag. Spencer saw three bottles of wine sticking out of the top. Hotch set the bag down on the couch between them as he sat down again. 

"They also make a travel bag for them. It's their gift bag." Hotch frowned and picked up the bag again and turned it around to where Spencer could see the name of the vineyard. The bag was beautiful. 

"That's really nice. The bag is beautiful."

"This is the first wine that they ever made," Hotch said, raising up his glass to toast Spencer before taking a sip. Despite the fact that it was something that he had that reminded him of Haley, Spencer saw contentment on his face. It was a look that had not been on Hotch's face when his dead ex-wife was brought up. "It's still a favorite, but it's not my favorite." 

"No? What's your favorite?" Spencer asked. As long as they kept to neutral topics, Spencer would be good. He could stay a friendly friend. 

"This." Hotch leaned forward and picked up the middle bottle out of the bag. It was a white wine, Spencer could tell that from the color. Spencer took the bottle when it was handed to him. Spencer read it over and his mouth watered a little. It sounded like it was going to be a favorite of his. He made sure to make a mental note to get on and see if they did mail delivery or not. He could also take a train up for a weekend that they were guaranteed to not be called out on a case. 

"And what's the other?" Spencer asked as he slotted the wine back in. He picked up the bottle closest to him. He read it over and found the notes of what was in it was in what he was drinking, so he put it back. Picking up the bottle closest to Hotch, Spencer darted his eyes up to look at Hotch. The man was looking at Spencer's face like he was learning Spencer's face. Spencer wondered at that because Hotch should know all of Spencer's looks by that point. Well, all of the looks that actually mattered or were ones that he should see. 

"That's Jessica's favorite. Well of what she had tried so far."

"It sounds good as well. I think though based on what's in each one I'm going to like the one you like the best."

"Jessica and I opened two bottles yesterday. There was these two glasses left of this one and at least three of my favorite. We can get into that one next."

"How many glasses do you think I can drink before I can't drive home?" Spencer asked. It wasn't meant to be as flirty as it was. Spencer forced himself to not blush at Hotch, but he was pretty sure that he was going to fail. He would blame it all on the wine though. 

"You are one of the most careful driver's that I know so I would say two glasses but Reid I saw you arrive on the bus. I know you are not driving and you'll get home just fine after two and a half glasses of wine in you. Besides, we still have a movie and dessert to eat, and that will help you cycle out the wine."

"Three movies?"

"Well more like two nearly three. We will have to wait to finish the other until Jack is with us again. It's his favorite movie." Hotch leaned forward to pick up the bag of wine and settled it on its side on the coffee table. 

"I don't know if I have another movie in me," Spencer said. He was afraid that with the wine and just the day that he had that he might fall asleep on Hotch's couch and Hotch would be too much of a gentleman to wake him up. He did not need to stay at Hotch's, no matter how tired he was. 

"Then we can talk. There is something that I wanted to tell you. I've not told anyone, and the few times I thought about bringing it up to Dave I've stopped myself. I almost did to Jessica once, but I thought it might hurt her too much." Hotch didn't look like he was afraid of telling, Spencer just that he was unsure of how to start. 

"Okay," Spencer said. Whatever it was, it had to do with Haley because it was the only thing that could hurt Jessica.

"When my scar tissue tore, and I passed out in the roundtable room, I saw things."

"A white light?" Spencer asked. He remembered that discussion coming up once before between the team. 

"No. Haley and Foyet, and my life. Haley was pushing me toward Beth in that. When I woke up, I thought it was my subconscious, but the more I thought about it. The more that I just couldn't believe that. I knew the moment that I saw Haley that I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. I was the one chasing her. Beth was the one chasing me, and it's not that I didn't want it. It took me time to come to grips with the fact that I was not cheating on Haley, even though we were divorced, I was still in love with her when she died. I didn't want to move on, but Beth showed me that I needed to. I need to try and make myself happy. I need that in my life. I need to be happy. It's just taken me a long time to accept that."

"Tell me everything because it seems like you think that I will have some sort of insights into what you were dreaming while you were under the knife on the table and out cold from blood loss." Spencer leaned forward because this kind of stuff he could do. He could help Hotch try and figure out what his dreams were while he was not lucid. It would at least keep him awake and remind him that he was not what Hotch wanted out of life. 


	3. The Danger You Don't Know

Spencer was enjoying his newest routine for the weekends that he was not on a case. He was currently reading a book in bed before getting up to face the day. He could hear the sound of the rain on the glass, and it was why he was still in bed. He had plenty of time to do what he wanted as it was just after seven in the morning. The smell of coffee was just reaching Spencer's room, so the pot was almost brewed, he had set the timer on his pot to brew some coffee for him. Spencer knew that he needed to get up, but the book he was reading was pretty good. He closed the book and sat up in bed, throwing the covers off as he did. He was just in boxers as it was still pretty warm at night in DC and he had his air conditioner set to where it didn't kick on as much. He shuffled from the bed to the bathroom, taking his time with the shower while he thought about the book he was reading and then took his with his hair before getting dressed.

DC was just waking up really. Spencer opened the window in his kitchen and went out onto the fir, escape outside of it. He settled down on the metal and watched as traffic went by at the opening of the alley the window let out onto. He finished off his coffee and then picked up the carafe on the counter just inside the window and poured another. He smiled as he heard some families walking somewhere and then they passed the opening of the alley, Spencer saw they were in good clothes, so he was pretty sure that they were headed to church.

Spencer's stomach started to growl, so he forced himself inside. The window was shut and locked so that he did not forget about it. He had his breakfast ready in the fridge and popped it into the microwave while he filled up another cup with coffee. He would drink the whole pot before he left to start his weekly errands. He would be coming back to the apartment after his shopping trip, but after that, he would not be until probably way too late if every other Sunday was any clue. Still, it was nice to have something to look forward to.

The foot traffic was light, and so Spencer decided that he would walk to the grocery store down the block, the rain had stopped it seemed the city actually smelled pretty clean for once. He wasn't going to be getting a lot of things, so carrying everything back was feasible. He settled into the walk, people watching those who were out this early in the morning. Spencer grabbed a stack of papers from a stand and laid down the money because the man was dealing with someone else who was being very picky. The man running it glanced at Spencer and nodded. The stack was for him anyway. Spencer had been buying from the man since he had got to town and the man was pretty nice about keeping the papers for Spencer throughout the week and even longer if he was on a case. The man would leave a post-it note on top with the amount of money, and Spencer would drop that down. Spencer slipped the papers into the bag that he brought just for them. He shook his head as the other customer started to scream.

Spencer kept on going because it was not his fight, and the vendor could take care of himself.

The store was pretty damned empty as most people would be going shopping after church. Spencer stopped at each spot that he needed and didn't dally nor did he really look at anything extra. He only stopped at the books as he was leaving to see if there was anything interesting there. He found that the new releases had a book in a series that Hotch liked. Hotch usually didn't buy them right when they came out but just whenever he took Jack to the bookstore and picked up the books that he read at the same time. Spencer had not heard him talking about a bookstore trip at work on Friday and yesterday they had been at the soccer fields all day long. Spencer added it to his shopping basket and walked to the register.

Checking out was simple, the young man running it didn't talk much, more of a fact that Spencer was usually reading the magazine covers and sometimes a magazine while standing there than him being rude. Spencer paid and walked down to pack his own bags as he preferred to do it himself. He slipped Hotch's book into the bag with the newspapers and put that back over his shoulder before hefting up the two other cloth bags that he had his groceries in. One slipped over his shoulder with the newspaper bag, and the other Spencer carried. He had not brought his messenger bag as it was just one more bag that he didn't really need to weigh him down on his trip.

The trip back felt quicker, but that was just because Spencer was looking forward to breakfast and his stomach was letting him know that he needed to get something other than coffee and the small breakfast he had put into it sooner rather than later. He put up the things that needed to be in the fridge and left the stack of papers on his kitchen table. He would read the papers on the way into work the next day along with the others he picked up. There was a drop-off point just outside the train station in Quantico for the local animal shelter, so Spencer always dropped them off there.

Spencer grabbed his messenger bag, transferring his wallet into it as he opened up the apartment door to leave. He stopped and reached back to grab his umbrella, just in case the weather was wrong, and the rain was going to start up again. He grabbed a bus, and it took him into the heart of the city, where he got off at a little Mom and Pop diner that he loved. He had found it on accident one night after not being able to sleep. The diner was open twenty-four hours a day and was usually pretty hopping with older people who didn't want to go to the more youth-oriented places. Spencer bypassed the restaurant and walked to the bookstore down the block a little. There was an order waiting on him, so he picked up those books before going back to the diner. He needed reading material.

The diner was pretty busy for early on a Sunday morning, so Spencer got a two-person booth on the far side and settled in. He had to arrange things a little different as he was used to a four-person table, but he had to do it before.

"Coffee?" the waitress asked as she stepped up. Spencer looked at her badge and saw that her name was Stella. She must be new because Spencer had never seen her in there before.

"No, thank you, Stella. I'm going to do the hot tea today. The biggest carafe you have and two mugs, please."

"Ready to order your meal?" Stella asked. She wasn't quite looking at Spencer, so he wondered if she even wanted to be working at all. Or she needed more coffee in her.

"Not yet, thank you."

"I'll have your tea up in a moment. Did you want a glass of water?"

"No, thank you." Spencer picked up the menu. It was a new one, so Spencer wasn't sure what the number of the meal that he got was. Though having to go through and describe the changes he wanted to, it was going to be hard. The meal wasn't that much changed, but there were a lot of options, and Spencer didn't go for any of the normal ones, and he did substitute the grits for the cream of wheat, which was not a normal option. Spencer started down the numbers until he reached seven but found that it was just the same. He kept looking until he found number thirteen, which was his meal exactly, with cream of wheat instead of grits. Besides the number was the words Spencer's Special. Spencer laid down the menu and laughed. What used to be number thirteen was now fourteen. Spencer remembered the discussion on why the number thirteen was taboo as it was in modern and in older cultures. He wasn't that shocked that it had become his meal.

Stella brought back the carafe of hot water, one cup with hot water in it, one with water and a bag of English Breakfast tea in it, and the basket of teas.

"Crystal spotted you and said this was how you wanted it. Am I correct?" Stella seemed a little more friendly at that moment, and Spencer wondered if she had drunk her coffee or was just in a better mood now that she knew he was a regular.

"Yes. Thank you. I'll have the number thirteen."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Over easy please," Spencer answered. He watched as Stella wrote that down and then reached for the menu. She kind of lingered for a second like she was waiting for him to say something else. "Everything else is just fine the way that it comes."

"You are the first person to get this with me that hasn't wanted a change of some kind."

"Well, Stella, my name is Spencer," Spencer said as he held out his hand for her to shake. She shook it and then looked at the menu in her hand. She smiled.

"It's nice to meet you, Spencer, and I can see why they made the special with your name. I'll have that out as soon as it's ready."

"Thank you."

Spencer grabbed the little basket of tea and found the next kind that he wanted. It felt like an Earl Grey morning, so he settled that bag into the second cup to let it steep for a few minutes while he prepared and drunk the other. Spencer laughed a little as he watched a few of the regulars at the counter start to get into it about politics. There was no heat to the argument just old men with a lot of opinions. They were fascinating to watch, and it was one of the things that Spencer loved about this place. Spencer settled into the booth turned a little cater-cornered between the table and the back of the booth. He settled his book in his palm and started to read. He figured that even with eating, he would have all fourteen of the books done before he left the diner.

Stopping reading after finishing his cup of tea, Spencer pulled the bag from the second cup and settled it onto the little plate that he hadn't even noticed Stella setting down. He poured the empty mug full and picked another bag of Earl Grey to drink. He added one packet of sugar to the one he had pulled the bag from and stirred it before going back to his book.

Stella set down Spencer's plates on the table, and it drew Spencer out of his reading. He smiled at her as she set down the plates like he normally put them and reminded himself to give Crystal a thanks. Stella set down the next plate, and it was his double order of grilled sourdough toast. Stella didn't set down any jelly, which was good. His eggs were on a separate plate from his hash browns as well as his bacon and turkey sausage links. The bowl of cream of wheat was set down as well as the little carafe of milk for it as well as brown sugar. Spencer smiled up at Stella.

"Looks wonderful. Thank you."

"You are welcome. Just wave and get my eye if you need anything."

"I will." It was the standard for Spencer in the diner. That way the waitresses and waiters didn't have to worry about disturbing him while he read.

Spencer swapped books frequently, only paying attention to his food when he needed to. The eggs were eaten first, the white cut off from around them and then Spencer's spoon used to scoop up the yolk without busting it and slipped it into his mouth to chew. The whites were eaten last. Then Spencer moved onto the meat and the potatoes. Those were devoured without Spencer looking away from his book at all. Spencer prepared his cream of wheat with a little milk and the brown sugar before dipping his toast into it and eating it like that until there was no toast left. Then it was spooning out what was left. Spencer went through three more cups of tea while eating. He was nearly done with the last book, so he savored his last cup of tea while reading.

Rousing himself from the fictional world of British spies, Spencer looked at the table to see that everything was cleared except for a to-go cup with a tea bag already in it and his check. He looked up to see Stella at the register ringing out someone, but Crystal was walking back into the back with a tray of dishes in her hand. Spencer shook his head opened the to-go cup to find that it was the fruity blend that Crystal had let him try of her own stash once. Spencer saw that there was a sugar packet missing from the table container as well, so he assumed that it was in his tea. Spence drained the dregs on his mug of tea, stuffed the last book back into the bag and then got up to head up to the register with his to-go tea and his bill.

Stella was smiles as she checked out Spencer, she didn't ask about the food, but given that Spencer had eaten all of it, it was a good sign that he had enjoyed it.

"So, what do you have planned today?" Crystal asked as she leaned against the counter beside the register.

"I'm going to do a little fun book shopping around town and then am joining my boss and his son for a meal at his place before they drag me out to do something with exercise I am sure. It's the same thing they have done the last three Sundays that we have not had a case."

"Asked him out yet?"

Spencer glared at Crystal. She had been here since Spencer had moved to DC and found the diner. There were a few nights where Spencer was tired and tipsy and was eating something before going to home to help soak up the alcohol, and his lips were a little more freer than they should have been. Spencer did not give her the benefit of an answer. 

"You ain't ever going to know unless you ask."

"As I have said before I am content with what I have and I don't want to lose what I have to maybe, I stress maybe, have something more. To me, the risks are not worth it." 

Crystal raised her hands and backed up, but there was no smile on her face anymore. Spencer knew that he had been abrupt, but he was not going to keep hearing the same thing over and over again. He did not need that. Crystal was just one of those people who felt that no one was happy unless they were with someone. Spencer wasn't even sure that he wanted a committed relationship, with anyone but Hotch that was. Spencer could see himself loving Jack like a son. He could see himself being in their apartment every single morning. Just existing with them. 

At first, Spencer had thought it was just proximity, but after a while and a few very failed dates, Spencer realized that it was more than that. It was trust. Spencer hadn't thought that he had a hard time trusting anyone, but it seemed that he did. Spencer wasn't shocked about that given his childhood. He knew the number that his father had done on him and to a certain extent, his mother as well. 

Spencer gave Stella a big smile before he left the diner. He would be back and if Stella wanted to talk then, maybe he would as well. He was sure that she was confused as hell. 

It was hours later that Spencer knocked on Hotch's door. He frowned as he had knocked twice already. There was no sound of Jack's feet on the floor running to the door. No sound of the TV which Hotch had on the news a lot of the time. The apartment was dead silent. Spencer drew out his phone. 

_Hotch, are you home? Did we cancel our day and I not remember_? Spencer slipped his phone into his pocket and waited. Hotch usually texted back quickly. 

Spencer walked backward until his back hit the wall and then he sunk down to where he was sitting on the floor. He drew out one of the books he had bought for Jack and started to read through it. It was better than nothing, and after Hotch had taken his books from him weeks ago, he stopped carrying books to Hotch's for their Sundays together. Jack's books were interesting enough, and Spencer got through them quickly. He frowned because at least ten minutes had passed. Spencer grabbed his phone from the nest like area made by the V of his stomach and legs and checked it. Hotch had not texted back. That was an oddity. He wasn't sure what he felt about that. It meant that Hotch had not cared to message back or he was doing something that he wasn't paying attention to his phone. 

Either way, it told Spencer one thing. He had been forgotten. Spencer felt the hitch in his breath as he breathed in, but he didn't let it go further than that. Instead, Spencer typed out the next message that he wanted to send to Hotch. He saw that the first message hadn't even been viewed. Which Spencer knew how to get around, reading the message without clicking into the actual app so Hotch could have seen it and dismissed it. 

_I guess I must have not been paying attention when you said Friday that we were not hanging out today. So I'll go home now._

Spencer pushed himself up the wall and debated for a few seconds what he wanted to do with the books. He decided to keep them and give them to Jack at a later point in time. Or just give them to Hotch to give to Jack. Spencer walked out of the building, rubbing at the skin over his heart. He knew that everything came to an end, but it seemed that this end was quicker than the last. Spencer wasn't shocked though, really he wasn't. Everyone left him in the end. Spencer wasn't ever enough for anyone. He wasn't enough for his father, he hadn't been enough to save his mom, he wasn't worth staying friends with. 

Hating himself just a little, Spencer stopped at a store to pick up food things for dinner. He had not been buying food for meals for lunch and dinner on Sundays when we went shopping on Friday. He had just been getting for Saturday and obviously Friday night. Given the job Spencer just stopped on the way home from work each evening and picked up enough things for that meal, outside of the staples like milk and such. Given the job and the fact that he lived alone, it meant less waste in the long run. Spencer walked the aisles of the store and tried to find something that he felt like eating, nothing sounded good, so Spencer went to the freezer section and found a few frozen meals that he liked and got them all. He could keep the rest on hand for later, the nights that getting home from cases late meant he didn't have enough energy to cook or work was just that bad. 

The checkout line was just long enough that Spencer's thoughts meandered back to Hotch. Spencer had promised him that he wasn't going to let Hotch slip away again. Given that it had been so short of a time and that Spencer was only giving Hotch the benefit of the doubt that Hotch thought he told Spencer that they were not on for the weekend, Spencer didn't know if he wanted to try again. It hurt, just like before and clean breaks were always better. Spencer didn't know if he wanted to open himself up to the pain again of being forgotten, to be pushed aside. For all Spencer knew Hotch was on a date with a woman and Jessica had Jack. 

Spencer's problem was that every single excuse he made for Hotch, Spencer knew that it wasn't the truth. Hotch wasn't that kind of man. Hotch did not forget things like telling someone that he wasn't going to be where he was supposed to be. Hell, the man had been polite as hell just before passing out. The true southern gentleman in him coming out as he passed out from blood loss. The more Spencer tried to make excuses, the more they rang hollow in Spencer's mind and in his heart. There was only waiting and seeing what had actually happened. Spencer debated texting Jessica but chose not to do it. He had the woman's number, but that was on accident, and she knew that he had it and had never told him to delete it. Hotch had texted both of them somehow when he had meant to just text, Jessica. Spencer had been in the shower, and the conversation had gone one for a little while before he had noticed it. He had read through it and responded as he thought he was meant to be a part of it. Hotch had apologized, and the conversation had gone to the area that was just for him and Jessica. Spencer hadn't thought much of it and had just added Jessica to his contacts even though he knew that no matter what he would remember her number. 

"Sir," the woman at the register said when Spencer failed to set his things down on the belt for them to be taken to her. 

"Sorry, got lost in thought."

"Happens when lines are long. Did you find everything that you needed?"

"Yes. I need one of those purple hot and cold storage bags from behind you please," Spencer said as he eyed the bag. He had one at home that was getting worn out from a lot of use, and he really liked that bag. 

"Sure." The cashier turned and grabbed the bag and scanned it before opening it and starting to put his freezer meals into it after she scanned them. 

Spencer grabbed a few packs of gum that would tide him over until he made the trek to the health food store on the other side of DC that carried the cinnamon gum that he liked. The cashier scanned the first and motioned at him and then at the bag. "Oh in the bag, please." 

The cashier dropped the gum down into the bag before she sealed it up. Spencer rushed through the end of the transaction and bid her a good day before grabbing his bag and leaving. He had enough new books that should have been dropped off at his apartment building while he had been heading to Hotch's that Spencer wouldn't be bored in the afternoon. It wasn't going to be as fun as playing with Jack and just spending time with him and Hotch, but there wasn't a damned thing that Spencer could do about that. 

Spencer was sitting at his desk, clearing the stuff that had been waiting for him in his inbox when he had got in. He was the first to arrive, but then he had made sure that he was going to be there before even Hotch. It was a little bit petty, but if he came after Hotch, then the man could ignore him. Now he would have to go through the bullpen and at least see Spencer. The texts were still unread, and that had worried Spencer the entire train ride to Quantico. Had he pissed off Hotch with the messages? Or had Hotch figured out that Spencer was in love with him and was freaked out?

Everyone on the team was pretty open-minded. They had to be. They saw all sorts of people in the scope of their job, and they could not be prejudiced in any way. That did not mean however that someone finding out that someone of the same sex as them liking them was going to go over well. Spencer blamed his childhood for always thinking up every single scenario of what could be the reason for something. He had to think steps ahead of his mom when she was in a state, and it had carried over long into his adulthood. He thought it was part of what made him a good profiler, but he wasn't sure. 

Rossi was the first to arrive other than Spencer. He came in the door with a tray of drinks. It wasn't until he stopped at Spencer's desk that he was greeted with his name on one of the cups and there were only two in the tray. 

"Thanks," Spencer said with a frown on his face that he didn't even try and hide. Rossi had never brought just Spencer coffee before. Hell, the man rarely bought coffee for any of them, unless his first printing of a book did well. He was more likely to pay for lunch out than to do drinks. He claimed it was too hard to remember what everyone got. Spencer just figured it was him trying to keep up the gruff agent exterior that he liked to keep. Spencer took a sip of his coffee and nearly spilled it all over himself as he looked at Rossi. He looked at the cup to confirm that it wasn't from the shop closest to his apartment as it was the only place he got the drink and other than those who worked there, no one but Hotch knew that he drank it. 

"Dirty Chai with two shots and three pumps of vanilla. Right?"

"Yes," Spencer said, but he trailed off the end just a little bit. He had no clue why Rossi was bringing him a drink.

"Aaron told me to get it for you as a sorry for missing the day out with Jack that he had planned."

"He's not going to be here today?" Spencer asked. Something serious was the only thing that would keep Hotch from work. 

"The Director tapped him for a special assignment that started immediately. Jack's staying with Jessica while Aaron's away. TDY duty that was a rush job." 

Spencer watched Rossi's face as he said it. He couldn't tell how sincere the man was with his words. It felt wrong, but there was no reason why Hotch or Rossi would lie about something like that. It wasn't like it was easy to fake a TDY. Spencer nodded his head. He turned around in his seat to start to work again. His gut was churning. Hotch wasn't rash so there had to be a reason why he had accepted a special assignment like that. 

For another hour, Spencer worked while the rest of the team filed in with Rossi talking to each of them about Hotch as they arrived. He tried to ignore his gut, but when he couldn't anymore, he got up to go into the kitchen. He made a pot of coffee and waited for it. No one would think anything of him standing and staring at the carafe as it filled. He did it enough while just waiting for the coffee that navel-gazing would be ignored.

Spencer made a very rash decision as he stood at the carafe and it filled. He went back to his desk and grabbed his personal cell phone. He walked back to the kitchen as he typed. 

_I'm sorry for whatever I did_. Spencer hit send before he could talk himself out of it. It sat unread like the other two messages he had sent. Spencer backed out of Hotch's message log and opened up a new chat. He found Jessica's name and started to type in it as well. 

_Jessica, this is Spencer Reid. Rossi just told me about the TDY for Hotch. If you need help with Jack, I don't mind watching him for a while when I'm home from cases. It'll give you a break. Just reach out to me in a text or a call. Tell Jack that I'm sorry we didn't get to hang out yesterday._

Spencer backed out of the messenger application all the way before putting his phone back into his messenger bag. He left his work cell phone out. He spent the morning ignoring everything that wasn't work-related. He pushed himself to get as much work done as possible to where after a quick lunch from the snack machine two floors down and pushing through the afternoon, Spencer was done with everything that he had to do by three. 

"Hey, Rossi," Spencer said as he entered the older man's office. While Rossi hated being the boss, he stepped in when Hotch was gone for various reasons. Usually, it was just a few days things, but this could turn out to be a long stint. 

"Yes?" Rossi asked as he set down the phone. Spencer saw that the call was on hold. 

"Sorry to interrupt. I finished my work and a little of JJ's as well that she snuck into the pile. Do you think I could head out?"

"Sure, Reid. Have fun."

Spencer just waved his hand. He packed up everything that he needed and left saying goodbye to Alvez and JJ as Lewis was still doing some research. Garcia was in her office and Spencer didn't want to bother her. He wasn't sure that he could escape without her asking what was wrong anyway. Spencer was glad he had the train ride home to go over everything that had happened the weekend before. He had to figure out what he did that made Hotch accept a special assignment as quickly as he did. 


	4. We Don't Know the Cost

Spencer rolled over in bed and grabbed his phone. He looked at to see that JJ had texted him about something that Henry had done in the night that he might find funny, but that was it. Spencer still had not heard a word from Jessica about Jack, and Spencer was starting to get worried. He was also beginning to feel that if it wasn't something about Jessica herself avoiding Spencer, then it was something that Hotch had told her to do. Spencer wasn't sure which one, but until someone told him to stop doing what he was doing, he wasn't going to stop it. He was going to go about doing what he was doing. There were a few things that Spencer had kept aside to do with Jack, and he wasn't going to do them until he could do them with Jack.

There were a lot of things that Spencer could forgive, and he had proven to himself that when it came to Hotch, he was a stupid idiot who would do anything for him, including letting the man hurt him time and time again. He knew if Hotch came to his doorstep and begged forgiveness, Spencer would do it. Spencer would take him back, and while he might be hesitant, he would soon act like there was nothing wrong. It had been a hard pill to swallow, but over the past two weeks, since Hotch had disappeared on the special assignment, Spencer had done a lot of soul-searching.

Spencer rolled back over groaning as he did. The UnSub from the case that they got home from just the evening before had tackled Spencer, and they had rolled down a hill. Spencer wasn't injured, but he was bruised, and his body was a little sore. He had been given a very mild muscle relaxer when Prentiss had forced him to the hospital to be checked out. There was enough to allow him to sleep at night as well as get through the day if he needed it. Yesterday, Spencer had been pretty sure that he would not need it, but this morning he was changing his tune because his body ached in a way that it never should when he was as young as he was. Spencer reached out for his glasses, blindly trying to find them without moving on the opposite nightstand. He found them on the third set of moving his hand and gently pulled his arm back to allow for the ache to become known as he contracted his muscles.

The world came into focus and with it was the fact that Spencer was lonely. It was Sunday, and he had nothing to look forward to. The previous Sunday he had stayed inside and worked on a few papers to send off, but today he just didn't have anything to do but going back to his old routine was seemed stupid given that he had nothing to do after that and going back to his old, old routine was like giving up.

"Fuck," Spencer said as he reached up to push his glasses up on his forehead and rub at his eyes with the heels of his palm. He just wanted to do something, anything that meant he wasn't giving up in one-way shape or form. Spencer looked up at the ceiling and pushed his glasses back down to where he could see. He saw that his ceiling was clean, which he knew because the Saturday before he had deep cleaned the entire apartment to get rid of energy about what he was not going to be doing.

Picking up his phone, Spencer looked at the contact list for a few seconds before tapping on Hotch's name and tapping again on the part that would open the texting. It was empty for a second before it brought up all of the other texts. Spencer resisted the urge to read over all of them, back to when Hotch was still there.

_I just want to know what I can do to make this right, Hotch. You aren't telling me anything, and you never did. You had Rossi bring me a drink that you are the only one that has ever seen me get. Yet, you don't even have the balls to tell me that you are leaving. I don't know what to feel, and I don't know what to think._

_On the one hand, you are being courteous with having Rossi tell me before the rest of the team but yet you don't tell me that you are leaving. You left me in the lurch again. You pulled me in and made me feel like I was your friend again and then you ripped that floor out from under me. I didn't even deserve a message that said something had come up and you couldn't do our usual Sunday routine. That tells me exactly where I fell on your thoughts that day. Well, I've learned what I probably should have learned in high school, hell probably middle school. That it's not worth being open with friends because all it does is rip you apart._

Spencer hit send on the text so that he couldn't chicken out on it. He closed the texting application and finally pushed himself to sit up and get out of bed. He was going to take a shower, a long hot one to hopefully help relax his muscles some. He didn't want to have to take the muscle relaxer but he would if he had to.

The shower was about three times the length of his normal one, and that wasn't all because of his time just standing under it. Washing off took a little time with the muscles loosening up. Then it was just standing under the water because the hot water beating down on his back felt damned good. Getting dressing had not been as big of a deal because his body was still loose, but Spencer had dressed in clothes that would not be hard to get on and off, especially when it came time to use the bathroom. The linen pants that he chose didn't button but were stretchy instead, and that would mean less fumbling when it came time. Spencer made coffee while he tried to figure out what he was going to eat as a breakfast snack as he decided what he was going to do for the day.

Settling on a pop-tart that he found in a baggie in the cabinet, Spencer stood and drank his coffee while munching on the pastry. He didn't eat them often, but there were days that getting called into a case early meant something quick and easy, and the pop-tarts were easy to eat while driving or riding on the train.

After breakfast had been consumed, Spencer walked to his living room and booted up his computer. There were forums for the goings on in DC and the surrounding environs. Hopefully, he could find something on there to do. There wasn't a lot that Spencer didn't like doing. He would do anything that kept him entertained. At the moment, he would try anything to stop himself from trying to think about Hotch.

All of the books that talked about love like a disease, Spencer could understand why it was called that. As a child, Spencer had thought that love was something to be cherished, to be applauded. That love was something that was wanted and needed to be happy in life. After he had grown up, Spencer had been happy to not be in love, or at least not know that he was in love. His life had been a hell of a lot happier before he had fallen in love with Hotch. Or he was just really good at making himself think that. Spencer wasn't sure, but he was settled into what he was now. There was nothing to be done but hope that the feeling went away with time. Spencer knew that only time would tell on everything and whether he just fell out of love with Hotch or it became an ache that he could live with.

Spencer spent an hour looking for things to do after he ate breakfast and there wasn't anything until noon when a little festival started in one of the small cities about half an hour away from where Spencer was but wasn't accessible by a train or a bus in a time that was timely enough for Spencer. He decided that it just might be fun, so Spencer packed for a day away from the house and left the apartment to check the gas in his tank. He hadn't looked at it in a few weeks as most of his driving lately had just been around town when he was getting things he didn't want to take onto the train or bus. He made sure that he had snacks packed into the car as well as some bottles of water. Even though he didn't have to pinch pennies as much as he used to when he was younger, he refused to pay the prices for things at carnivals and festivals. He knew that many would pay just for the convenience, but Spencer refused to do so.

Hotch had never broadcasted that he had money but given how little he actually looked at prices before buying had clued Spencer in on the fact that he had grown up with money and still had it. Spencer didn't begrudge him that. He couldn't help how he was raised, and it wasn't like he was mean with the showing that he had money. The most ostentatious display of his money was his suits. Spencer knew that Hotch used the same place for all of his suits. It was very evident as the style might change, but the stitching did not. None of his suits were off the rack. Hotch's lifestyle wasn't one of opulence like many people who had money. He lived a simple life with the comforts that having money gave but none of the more significant, outward signs of having a lot of money.

Spencer settled into reading around his apartment until he got hungry again and the diner was open. He was looking forward to breakfast there as he had skipped the weekend before and wasn't sure what kind of reception he got. While Crystal was used to him skipping every once in a while because of work, he wasn't sure that he could lie convincingly enough to Crystal that he had not been on a case. Still, Crystal would be understanding if he just told her that Hotch away for work and he had been depressed without getting into all of it. Spencer knew that if it really mattered, she wouldn't push and would be a good person just to listen.

Spencer checked his phone again and found no message from Jessica. She was reading them, or at least it seemed like it according to Spencer's phone. Usually, Spencer wouldn't go where it seemed he wasn't wanted, but he couldn't not do it anymore. Everyone on the team knew where Jessica lived between Hotch just wanting it to be easy for them to go if they were needed to help her with something when it came to Jack or if God forbid something were to happen like Foyet again.

The apartment building was easy to get into. There was no buzzer, hell there wasn't even a guard. There was just a door that was open and steps and an elevator. Spencer took the stairs and walked up to Jessica's floor. He stepped out of the stairway and found that something was going on near Jessica's apartment as there were a few people in the hall. Then as he got closer, Spencer realized that it was happening at Jessica's apartment.

Spencer stopped in the doorway to see that the apartment was bare and there was a couple inside with someone else. Spencer was shocked.

"Can I help you?" the woman with the clipboard asked, and she took a step closer to Spencer at the door.

"Sorry, someone I know used to live here. I guess she forgot to tell me that she moved."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"It's no big deal. I'll give her a call." Spencer held up his phone, and he gave the woman a fake smile. Spencer turned to leave and didn't let his thoughts overwhelm him until he was seated in his car with the doors locked and his head pressed to the steering wheel. Jessica had just moved into that place with her father after Hotch had started to help her be able to afford a bigger place. Hotch's ex-father-in-law had not liked it, but he couldn't refuse to live with his daughter because the only other option was living in a nursing home, which was something that he didn't want. Spencer wondered where he was. He wondered where Jessica was.

A thought came to Spencer, and he turned the key and started his car before slowly pulling into traffic. He quickly made his way to where Hotch had been living. She hadn't been there since that Sunday where he was supposed to hang out with Hotch and Jack but had ended up not doing that at all. Once he pulled into the guest parking lot for Hotch's apartment building, he sat in the car and calmed himself down. There were a lot of reasons why Jessica could have moved out. She could have moved into Hotch's apartment with Roy while Hotch was gone and then was going to move somewhere else after he got back. Roy could have hated that building, but the thing was that Spencer didn't think it was any of those.

Spencer didn't remember the trek from the car to the door of the building or the elevator ride from the first floor to Hotch's. He stepped up to Hotch's door and knocked. There was sound on the other side, and it got quieter as feet moved to the door. The door opened, and on the other side was someone that Spencer did not know.

"Can I help you?"

"Oh, I'm sorry." Spencer looked at the number on the door and frowned. "I guess that my friend decided to move and not tell me. I'll have to get onto him about that. I'm so sorry for bothering you."

"It's no big deal," the man said. He gave Spencer a smile and shut the door. As he was, Spencer saw the toddler on the other side as well as who he assumed was the man's wife. They had got settled into the apartment very quickly though from what little Spencer saw of it he knew that at least most of Hotch's things had been left behind. The only things missing were the ones that Spencer knew were important to Hotch or Jack. The other thing was that Spencer's chair was gone, whether it was the couple throwing it out or Hotch packing it up, Spencer had no clue. He knew which one he wanted it to be

Spencer tried not to think about anything as he walked out of the apartment building. His stint in just sitting down in the car was longer this time. He wasn't sure what to think. Spencer felt numb inside. While the rational side of Spencer's brain said that it had nothing to do with him, Spencer knew that. Hotch wasn't the type to move. There was also the fact that someone moving into the apartment that quick meant that it was planned. Hotch had not talked about wanting to move, not really. He made comments about him and Jack getting too big for the place, but he had never actually said he wanted to move.

The thought that it had to do with him though had Spencer sweating in his seat in the car. He kept on going back to that. He kept on going back to Hotch had run from him. It was stupid, and it was false, Spencer knew that. He knew it in his mind, but his heart was something else. The only thing that Spencer kept repeating in his head was that someone else had left him again. There had to be more than just a special assignment in this. Unless Hotch was going to be gone on it more than a few months, Spencer couldn't see him moving for anything less.

Spencer had to know what was up. Rossi had to know something. He was the one who told Spencer about the special assignment and the one that handed over the reins to Prentiss when she had come to help out while Hotch was on his assignment. That meant that Prentiss was going to be the Unit Chief for longer than just a short while to help out. Spencer wanted to know what Prentiss knew about all of it, but he wanted to talk to Rossi first.

It felt like the Doyle thing over again. Spencer's gut clenched at that because the thing with Prentiss's faked death was one of the worst times in Spencer's life and that was saying something given everything thing else that had happened to him over the years. Prentiss had been the first friend, the first co-worker that had died that Spencer knew. Sure Spencer knew other people who had died but no one who Spencer had been close to. He had grieved in the only way that he knew how and the two people that he had sought comfort from had been strange. Spencer had chalked that up to their own way of grieving, but instead, it had been that they were not grieving at all. After it was all over, Spencer had looked back on it all and realized that while Hotch had some grief at lying about Prentiss's faked death, JJ did not. JJ had only done what she thought was right and Spencer didn't fault her for that, but it was the fact that when it was all said and done, it had been emotional manipulation that had been used against him. 

That was why Spencer had pulled back not only from Hotch but from the rest of the team as well, except for Morgan who had been upset just as much as Spencer. Morgan had not liked when Spencer told him about Prentiss's emotional manipulation to get him to the team meal at Rossi's. Thought Spencer didn't really care about it as much because he was used to it which said something more about everyone else and not him. Logic worked best with him, and Morgan and even Hotch employed that, but everyone else used emotions without understanding that Spencer had no clue what most of them were. His mother had not used emotions or discipline to teach Spencer as a child. Every single lesson had to do with logic. What was the most logical outcome of everything? Running into traffic meant that a car would hit him. It might not happen the first time, but it would happen. 

Spencer knew that the decision was out of the hands of Hotch, that much Hotch had explained. He had a gag order placed on him. JJ had been the one to settle that. There was a reason that Spencer had never looked at other departments to go to. Spencer didn't like secrets, he didn't like lying, and he didn't like being lied to. Spencer was not made for undercover work. He wasn't made to lie about his entire life. The NSA or even the CIA might have had jobs that were better suited to keeping Spencer's mind truly active without having to search for other things to challenge it, but those were not for him. 

There were only a few things that Spencer could do. He could go home and settle into life, knowing that Hotch and Jack had left him in all ways that they could. He could let that fester and make up his mind on what he thought happened and come to resent the man that he loved, the child that he adored. Or he could go to Rossi's and demand answers. Rossi wasn't one to keep secrets if he thought that the secret was harming someone. Rossi had said as much in the wake of Prentiss coming back. Rossi had not been on the team for Spencer and his brush with Dilaudid. When Rossi had apologized for not telling him, Spencer had brushed it off. Spencer had done his best to make sure that no one had known what was wrong with him. He had learned from his short stint with Dilaudid not to show anything.

Spencer started his car and checked his mirrors before he pulled out. The area was pretty dead given the time of day, but Spencer wasn't that worried when a car pulled off the street and got into the same lane as him. Spencer checked his mirrors often and assumed that when he hit the heart of the city that the car would turn off but it didn't. The statistics rolled in Spencer's head as he took turns to get to Rossi's mansion. Spencer wanted to take a few turns that would not take him to Rossi's to see if the person followed, but that would dilute his actual evidence. So Spencer kept on going. He kept driving and then when he got near Rossi's he knew. The chance that someone was going to the same block as him from Hotch's old block was zero. Spencer wondered who the hell was following him. He kept on driving, going right past Rossi's. Spencer stopped at a stop sign a block away and dialed Rossi's cell phone. He put it on speaker so he could talk with no issue.

"Rossi," Rossi answered. 

"I just left Hotch's former apartment after going to see if Jessica was there watching Jack while Hotch was on special assignment. When I left, a car pulled out into traffic with me. I didn't think much of it until it followed me all the way to your house. I just passed by have turned to head back the way I came and the car is still following me. The chances of this car following me just out of going to the same place are at this point, zero."

"Shit," Rossi said. There was the sound of furious typing on his end. 

Spencer took another turn that was in a different direction than before, and it seemed that maybe his tail wasn't going to follow him anymore because it went straight. Spencer let himself breathe a little easier, but he didn't let himself relax all the way. Spencer did not head toward home. He was going to stop somewhere and wash his car, checking for trackers. There were a lot of ways that he could be tracked. 

"Don't go home. I'm going to text you an address, and you are going to go there and wait for me to arrive with a few friends. Don't stop anywhere. If your car has a tracker, we will find it. Just..." Rossi paused, and Spencer heard the sound of a magazine being slid into a gun. Spencer did not have his gun with him. He did have a taser in the car though in the middle console. Spencer opened it up and pulled that out, sliding it under his leg. His credentials were in his messenger bag, and he had the authorization to have the military grade taser. Hotch had been the one to get that for him, to make sure it was okay for him to take it anywhere he wanted. It was back when he had issues passing the firearms exam. While Profilers were not required to carry, it was easier and safer for them to do it. Especially since so far a few of the team had been targeted by random UnSubs they were chasing, or in the case of Garcia thought they were being chased. 

"Just don't go home and don't do anything stupid. Don't stop until you get to where I send you. If the person keeps on following you, please stay safe. If you stop at a light or a stop sign and it seems like the person is getting out, get to a police station or do something to attract a police presence. I don't want to involve them in this, but I will if it means you stay safe."

"Rossi, I am not going to demand answers right now, but you will tell me what's going on before this day is over." 

Spencer hung up because he didn't care to hear about what else Rossi wanted him to do. It was minutes later that a chime came through. When Spencer was stopped at a light, he opened the text and put that address into his map application and had its voice direct him where he needed to go. 

Watching the road as much as he could, Spencer checked the mirror as much as he could as well. When he was about halfway to where he needed to be, the car came back. It was precisely the same one with the same license plate. Spencer realized where he was and knew that it wasn't good. The car behind him sped up like it was going to pass him, getting into the passing lane, but instead of getting over once it was passed Spencer, it tried to run him off the road. Spencer slammed on his brakes, and the front of his car clipped the other car. Morgan had taken Spencer through enough defensive driving classes over the years that Spencer knew what to do and he was able to get control of his car and keep on going until he could safely stop. The Amazon was thankfully built like a tank and was not damaged enough to stop him from driving. The other car, though, was. It looked like Spencer clipped it just right, and the back passenger side wheel was messed up. The car was in the ditch. 

Spencer had two options, he could get out and arrest the person, but he had no gun, no cuffs, nothing to secure the person with and no weapon to keep the person scared with. Or he could leave. Both options sucked. Spencer watched as the person raised something up that looked to be a gun and aimed it at him. Spencer couldn't see the persons face so he pressed the pedal to the metal on the gas and took off. Spencer dialed the cops and gave them the mile marker they were at and his name, badge number, and everything. That he had been followed by the car until now and was on his way to secure his person with other FBI agents but that he had no safe way of trying to hold the person. Spencer also told them where he was going to be heading and how they could get a hold of him, with several different numbers. He made sure that only aware cops would get there before Spencer pulled off of the road and texted Rossi what had happened and that cops were being dispatched to secure the scene and he had not been able to see the face of the person. Spencer's heart was pounding in his chest. He knew of only a single safe place that he could go, and at the moment while Rossi might trust whoever the hell he was sending Spencer to meet, Spencer didn't. Spencer didn't know them from random Toms, Dicks, and Harrys. 

It was the work of seconds for Spencer to figure out where he was and change his course to get to where he wanted to go. Spencer left his phone on but checked it every time he hit stop sign or light in town. When he was on the highway, Spencer felt a lot better. He still didn't let his guard down at all and just kept on going and going. Spencer only stopped moving when he was inside of the base, out of his car, on the sixth floor, and in Hotch's office. He dropped onto the couch and pulled the blanket that still held Hotch's scent on it over him. Spencer texted Rossi where he was and that he was crashing because he had nothing left. Spencer didn't even wait for Rossi to text him back before he allowed sleep to take him over. 

There was the smell of something that Spencer couldn't place as he woke up. It wasn't the typical smell of his apartment, even if he did set the coffee pot to brew. There was bacon and something else. He didn't open his eyes because he felt tired. He wanted to go back to sleep but knew that it would evade him. It took only a few seconds for his brain to kick on and tell him what had happened that made him tired. Spencer reached out for the phone on his table and instead hit something else. Then he remembered that he was not at home. He was at the office, on Hotch's couch if it could be called Hotch's couch anymore. Spencer opened his eyes to find where he had set his phone to find that there was a bag of something and a cup from the coffee shop close to the base. The bacon smell was coming from the bag. 

Looking up, Spencer saw that Prentiss was seated at Hotch's desk. Spencer sat up and looked at her, waiting for her to realized that he was awake. Spencer was actually shocked that Rossi hadn't come to him. Grabbing the cup, Spencer took a drink. It was one of the normal mochas that he got when he didn't get a lot of sleep. Instead of the usual two shots of espresso, there was four — no extra chocolate sauce just more caffeine. Spencer drank half of it before he picked up the food bag. The smell was getting to him, and he just couldn't wait anymore. Prentiss looked up as the bag rattled. There was a sandwich in there as well as a container of what smelled like some form of fried potato. Spencer grabbed that first, letting the sandwich fall down into the bag. 

"You had an interesting day yesterday. Rossi got me caught up. MPD will be by later today to take your statement." Prentiss got up from the desk and grabbed her cup of coffee and walked over to sit down in the chair that as on the other side of Spencer. She did not sit in the one that Hotch usually sat in. 

"Interesting is not the word I would use for it. Someone followed me through DC and then tried to run me off the road."

"Desperate men do desperate things, and well, this was not in the profile."

"Profile?" Spencer asked. 

The door to the office opened and shut, and Spencer looked to see Rossi was there with a cup in each hand. He looked at Spencer's cup and shrugged before walking over. He sat at the end of the couch close to Prentiss and set down the second cup of coffee.

"I am here for two reasons," Prentiss said as she relaxed back into the chair. "I am here to replace Hotch while he is away, and I'm here to catch Peter Lewis."

"Peter Lewis. Why are you here to catch him? Why isn't Hotch here to catch him?" Spencer looked at Rossi and Prentiss. Prentiss, though, was looking at Rossi. Rossi sighed.

"Aaron realized that Lewis was stalking him, well to be more specific stalking Jack. He saw him several times over weeks. Whenever agents would get there, Lewis was gone. So Aaron went into WitSec with him. That's why the apartment was filled so quickly; it's why Jessica is not responding to your texts. Jessica and Roy are not in WitSec, but they are being watched. Roy was moved into a secure nursing home facility full of old men who like to gossip. Jessica visits him often, but no one wanted Lewis to think that she was a way to get to Aaron. Everyone who has spent time with Aaron has been put under watch. Even someone from the CIA is watching over Beth in Hong Kong. Aaron tried to get WitSec and the FBI to allow us to read you in on this, but they refused. Aaron was adamant that Lewis would go after you with how much time you have been spending with him over the weekends with Jack. I had to get approval after the FBI CSU team went over the car that was left after the axle broke and only once it was confirmed that it was Peter Lewis's fingerprints did the Director of the FBI agree that we could tell you."

"That was Peter Lewis in that car?" Spencer looked between them. Trying to figure out if they were lying but neither of their faces said that. 

"He got desperate sooner than we thought," Prentiss said. 

Spencer looked down at his hash browns. He unwrapped the fork that was in plastic and started to eat. His brain was going thirty thousand miles an hour. Spencer wondered why no one thought about telling Spencer. Just being that close to Hotch would have painted a target on his back, everyone on the team knew that. It was why Hotch, Rossi, and Prentiss wanted to tell him. There were a lot of things that Spencer would have been doing a lot different over the two weeks. He could have been taken hostage yesterday and would never have been looking for it. Spencer wanted to be really pissed off. He wanted to do something stupid like go and yell at whoever made the decision that he should not be told about what was going on in his own damned life. Instead, Spencer sipped at his coffee. He ate all of his hash browns, and then he grabbed the sandwich.

Glad that Rossi and Prentiss were keeping their words to themselves, Spencer sat there and thought while he ate. 

"I can't do anything about what has happened, but I do want it noted that I could have been taken hostage yesterday, or killed, and never known that I might have even been a target. I could have been killed. Thankfully, I was driving the Amazon, which holds up better than the newer cars and that I realized what Lewis was doing. I am pissed off, and I am hurt. I'll gladly talk to MPD when they arrive but don't think I am not writing up my own damned report on this."

"If I thought he was going to do more than just follow you, Reid I would have had cops find and meet you. I was hoping to catch him. Aaron is not happy being where he is, but he agrees that it's the best place for him. Right now, we are trying our hardest to find Lewis."

"I'm not," Spencer said. He looked down at his hands. There was a smudge of grease on his fingers. "Just like with Foyet, yes I'm worried that he's escaped, but I am not spending my free time looking for him. If I had known that he was targeting Hotch, I could have been doing more. What about Mom? How in the hell am I supposed to protect her? What if Lewis had got to her already?"

"I have someone in Bennington. She's in the room next to your mother and is keeping a very close eye on her," Prentiss said. She looked determined. "She's going to be safe, Spencer. I promise. Everyone around her knows who she is and knows exactly why she is there. She's a friend from Interpol who wanted a quiet job for a while."

"I think that I need to be alone. I'm going to go and fill out the file about my accident yesterday and then work on some files. I think that maybe it's best that no one talks to me for a little bit while I process the fact that a serial killer was targeting me and no one thought that it was a good idea even to tell me that it could have been an issue at all." Spencer drained his first cup of coffee and tossed the cup into the bag before picking up the bag and the second cup. He took a sip and found it was a caramel latte — his comfort drink of sorts. Rossi was trying to cover up things that he couldn't tell Spencer. It seemed like that was always what was going on when it came to Spencer. 

Spencer left Hotch's office because at the moment he refused to think of it as anything but Hotch's office. It wasn't ever going to be Prentiss's office in Spencer's mind. Spencer pulled out a sheet of paper that he used to write to his mother and was about to start writing on it but stopped. He instead grabbed one of the journals that he had found and was going to send to his mother and started to write in it instead. He wrote out his feelings at feeling like the FBI had not done enough to protect him. He wasn't sure if he was ever going to do anything with it but just getting the emotions out helped. He knew that he needed to get ready for the MPD visit, so he set the journal aside and instead focused on that. It would at least carry him through the day. 


	5. There Is No Darker

Spencer still wasn't exactly sure what he was doing in Vegas. Rossi had stopped him the night before, handing him a plane ticket for later that night to go to Vegas. Spencer had been a little baffled, but then he had looked at the return time for later Monday afternoon. Rossi had been taking pity on Spencer since the whole truth of what was going on with Hotch had come out and while Spencer kind of hated it, he was also liking the attention a little. The man was acting like a favored Uncle which was strange for him, but then he had been around Spencer long enough for some form of attachment to come up. Spencer also kind of figured that Rossi was missing Hotch and giving the attention he would typically give to Hotch to Spencer. Spencer wasn't going to call him out on it because he didn't want to hurt the man. He understood coping techniques to survive the world around you, changing without your input.

The hotel room and everything had been booked for Spencer, so all he had to do was show ID, and then he was checked in. Spencer had money, he wasn't going to tell Rossi to stop though. It was one less stress on his mind. Spencer had just grabbed a go-bag from under his desk, and so he had nicer clothes with him but also two outfits of lounging clothes. He had changed into a suit that morning, hoping that he could talk his mom into going out to a nice lunch somewhere. She had a few new, nicer outfits that had been fitted to her. Spencer tried his hardest to take care of her, especially in the wake of her newest diagnosis. 

Spencer found Doctor Norman standing in the front hall of the Bennington before the desk that Spence would generally check in at. That was strange enough that Spencer felt that maybe Rossi's charity wasn't fully charity. He had a plan and Spencer 

"Doctor Norman," Spencer said as he stopped in front of the man. 

"I'm glad you came, Doctor Reid, come with me." 

Spencer didn't ask what was wrong. He just followed Doctor Norman to his mother's floor and the wing that she was in. Spencer saw that a lady in the next room watched Doctor Norman as he approached the room and then when Spencer moved to where she could see his face, she nodded at him and then went into her room. That had to be the friend of Rossi's that was watching to make sure that Mr. Scratch didn't make a move on her. Spencer was glad that she was confirming who was going into his mother's room, even when they were going with Doctor Norman. 

The sight of Diana on the bed stopped Spencer cold. She was lying in bed and looked like she hadn't showered in days. Spencer knew that Bennington had an excellent showering schedule, but even they did not force patients who did not medically need a shower to take one until it the point where it was needed for the safety of themselves. Bennington tried to be careful and mindful of allowing the residents as much freedom as they could have. 

"She's been like this for days. I've asked her several times if she wants us to call you and she kept telling us no. She's eating and taking her meds, but she's just not doing anything. Finally, I called."

"You called?"

"Yes. Your desk. I got a lovely man named Mister Rossi. He was helpful and said that you were just out of the office for an on-site consult, and he would tell you as soon as you got back."

"No, he just gave me a ticket for Vegas and the hotel information of where he made the reservation. It's the standard one that I stay in, so I assume that he had our analyst make the flight and hotel reservations. She's eating and taking her meds?"

"Yes. No fight on that just like normal. Her new neighbor checks on her throughout the day, and she'll talk a little and then just goes silent. I don't know if this is a delayed reaction to the new diagnosis or what. I'm hoping your face will do her some good. Let us know if you need anything, Spencer. Please."

"I will." 

Doctor Norman walked away, and Spencer just looked at his mother lying there in bed. She looked horrible like she had given up. Spencer felt fear in his gut, and his heart started to hurt.

"Hey, Mom," Spencer said as he walked fully into the room. She turned over and looked at Spencer. Her eyes were distrustful at first, but then as he sat down on the bed with her and laid his hand on her arm, she smiled. 

"Spencer, you came!" Diana sat up in bed and reached like she was going to hug him but stopped. "I think that I need a shower."

"Yes, a little bit." Spencer couldn't help but smile at her. He knew that the funk she had been in was not gone, just temporarily abated by the fact that Spencer was indeed there. 

"I heard the doctor calling your desk at work. I didn't hear who he got, but he got someone who was not you. I wasn't sure if they were actually going to give you the message or not."

"Why didn't you call?" Spencer asked. 

"Because you've already taken enough time off of work because of me. I don't want to be a burden."

"You are not and never have been a burden, Mom." 

Diana reached out and cupped the side of his face but looked toward the door. Spencer saw a nurse there. 

"Ready for a shower, Diana?" The nurse asked with a grin on her face. 

"Yes. Very much, so."

Spencer took a seat in the armchair in the corner to wait for his mom to come back. He had a few things planned for the afternoon that was going to be fun for him and let him let loose a little bit. He did not want to overwhelm his mother any with being there too much. Especially if it ended up being a bad day for her brain. Spencer was used to scheduling around that. They had done that in Paris. Spencer knew his mom well enough with her new issues to be able to guess when she was going to have a bad day. 

It wasn't a shock that Diana was gone for nearly an hour. When she came back into the room, she was dressed in some of her better clothes, and it looked like she had got a haircut and it was styled a little bit. 

"I talked her into going to see the hairdresser while she is here today," the nurse said as she stopped in the doorway. She had in her hand a little cup of pills. Diana grabbed her large plastic mug of water and walked over to take the pills. Spencer watched her closely and made sure that she did take them all. After she had drunk nearly half of the mug, the nurse grinned. She turned around to the cart that was behind that another nurse was taking around the wing and grabbed two things off it as well as two spoons. Spencer saw that it was tapioca pudding. "A cup for each of you to share."

"Thank you," Diana said as she took the two cups and tucked the spoons against the cups with a finger. Spencer stood up to take something and ended up with the water. He sat back down after setting the water down, but instead of sitting in the chair, he sat down on the floor. Diana took the seat in the chair and handed Spencer his cup of pudding as well as a spoon. 

It was silent as they sat and ate their pudding. Spencer knew that it was a treat that the nurses liked to give Diana for taking her meds. Everyone got something they liked to eat or drink. Spencer remembered there was a man who was at the end of his life and while his meds were not working as well as they used to, he still had to take other pills to help manage pain. While it wasn't the best option, he liked a shot of whiskey after his pills, so the doctors and other higher up staff looked away when he was given a shot with his pills at the past of the day. Spencer had been a little horrified by it but also glad. The man was nearly dead, and it made him happy, that was all anyone needed. The dignity to do what they wanted with what little time that they had left. 

"So why the funk, Mom?" Spencer asked after he had thrown away the pudding cups and the spoons and refilled Diana's water and grabbed a bottle from the guest fridge for himself. He settled in at her feet again and looked at her. 

"It's not easily explained at all, Spencer. I have these, though, but you can't read them until you leave in a few hours." Diana reached over and grabbed a bag of books. Or what Spencer thought were books. Instead, it was three journals. Spencer opened the first and saw the date. It was just after her diagnosis with early onset Alzheimer's. Spencer closed it again and transferred the three books over to his messenger bag. The three were matching and were all from the last set of ten that he had bought his mom. It usually took her several months to fill one. It seemed though that she was writing a lot more these days. 

The rest of the morning passed with ease. Spencer talked in loose terms about how everything was settling at work without Hotch, and even though he hated it, he made up stories about things that he did in his personal life. He wasn't going to tell his mother that he was depressed. He wasn't going to tell her that he was in love with someone who didn't seem to care about him at all. His mother had enough of a burden that he didn't need to add to it with things that she had no hopes of fixing. 

"And has there been any word on how Mister Hotchner and his son are doing?"

"No. Neither Rossi or Prentiss have made mention of them at all other than WitSec reports they are fine." Spencer leaned his head back against the arm of the chair and turned to where his back was against the front. "I figure that Jack's pouty. He might have not seen his dad as much as he wanted, but Jack's always been a big supporter in his father's job."

"What about after that whole thing where he was taken into custody, and that led to that horrible man escaping?"

"Even after that. Jack understands that bad things happen when bad men are around, but he knows that his father does what he can to protect him. And part of that is the job. Jack likes to hear about the families that we help when we work cases. He is a pretty smart little boy. I've tried to get Hotch to give him an IQ test, but he just adds in material that is harder to their at home stuff that they do together to keep Jack entertained."

"Sometimes it's best to leave a child in a regular school than to do what we did to you. I know that you did well with is Spencer, but not all kids are made for it." 

"I know, but I think that Jack would do better in a private school. He's had issues with bullying and while he handled the first well, the second was not handled as well and had to have the school involved. Hotch made sure that it was handled, but the other kid was almost left in the school instead of taken from it. I know that running isn't good, but sometimes for the health of the child, it's best."

"You just care too much, I sometimes wish you hadn't got that from me," Diana said as she laid down on her bed. 

Spencer saw that she was getting tired and knew that she sometimes took a nap in the late morning if she had a bad night's sleep. Spencer picked up the book that was on his mother's bedside and started to read to her until she fell asleep. Spencer looked down at her and smiled as she slept peacefully. He looked at his messenger bag and thought that maybe it would be best if he read them at his hotel. He could stop somewhere and pick up some food and maybe a good bottle of liquor. It wasn't going to be good, whatever was in the journals. 

It was just about two hours later that Spencer was getting into his hotel room with his lunch in hand. He got a call from Doctor Norman that Diana was in bright spirits when she woke up from her nap but that she didn't want him to come back until the next day. It had taken Spencer an hour to figure out where he wanted to eat while he was sitting in the parking lot of Bennington. 

Dropping his messenger bag onto the bed, Spencer set his food down on the desk that was in the corner and sat down. He eyed the bag but decided that he would rather try and eat some food than to try and eat after, even if he did end up throwing it all up. He settled in at the table and cracked open his version of a seafood dish that a place did close to where he used to live in Vegas before he had moved to DC. He was glad that the owner was the same and remembered him and how he liked it made. Spencer loved seafood, so instead of just having crab, lobster, and shrimp, it had all of the seafood that was currently available in it. 

Spencer ate until he was full which was only about half of what was in the container, Spencer put the left in the fridge. He might need to eat it for dinner if he was too drunk to go anywhere. Spencer had also bought a bottle of scotch so that he wasn't charged the astronomical rates for the mini-bar inside the room. 

Dropping onto the bed, Spencer settled himself in to read and looked at his bag. He debated if he wanted to grab a glass as he had just brought the bottle of scotch over from the fridge. In the end, as he pulled the journals out of the bag, he decided that he did not need a glass as that could only end horribly. He had his cell phone beside him, and he cracked open the first book. 

Spencer knew that his eidetic memory was a blessing and a curse. He knew this, and still, he hated it most days. For the job, it was nice to remember things that were needed on cases, but most of the time, his brain was full of stupid things or horrible things. Spencer had learned a few tricks to delete things from his brain, but most of those were foolish and simple things. He couldn't erase the bad memories, those clung too hard to his mind. Spencer really wished that he could just willy-nilly delete everything from his brain on occasion. As he read the first entry in the journal, dated the day that his mother had got her diagnosis, Spencer knew that these journals were going to be something that he would want to delete. 

Every page turn, Spencer took a sip of the scotch. It burned on the way down, making his body hurt as much as his heart did. He got to the end of the first and started the second. And then he moved onto the third. When it was done, Spencer read it again. It was the one with the most information. 

Spencer stared at the wall for a long time. The only reason that he knew that more than a few minutes had passed was because the sun was gone entirely, Vegas was only lit up by the lights. He tried to move but found that he couldn't. It wasn't that he was drunk, only about a few inches of the bottle was gone. It was just that he was so upset. He knew what his mother wanted, even if she didn't directly ask for it. The pleading was spread across every single page in the book. 

If there was one thing that Spencer knew it was that he needed to talk to someone. Or at someone. He didn't need help making his decision, just the confirmation that he was doing the right thing. He picked up his phone and looked at it. It's calm light telling him the time and date. He tapped the app that he wanted and stared at the conversation lists from working over the past while. Morgan checking in on him and setting up days for Spencer to watch Hank. JJ sending him pictures of Michael and Henry together, or separate. It was Spencer's life at the moment. It was Spencer's only lifeline at the moment as well. 

_Hotch_ , Spencer sent, and he stared at it. He stared at the words on the screen. Rossi had already said that the phone was off and that no one was monitoring the line, so no one was ever going to get the texts until Hotch was back. He wanted his privacy protected as much as he could and Peter Lewis tracking Hotch that way was stupid. Hotch was very private, and it was why Spencer cherished the time that he had with him. _I know that you are not going to get this, but it's always been you that I have gone to when I need help and right now I really need help. Mom is tired, and she wants to let go. She wants the pain in her heart and in her mind to stop. She wants my permission to allow her to go_. 

_I understand that she had the right to do what she wants, but I still live in the hope that a cure can be found, for both of her problems. That I'll get the mother back that I remember from when I was young. For once, I'm not mad at the fact that I remember everything from when I was young. I have plenty of memories of her when she was better. When she wasn't so ill. My hope, though, is only shared by me. Mom is tired and wants to rest. She wants to be happy and healthy again. I just don't know if I can say goodbye_.

Spencer laid down, making sure that the lid on the scotch was on tight and let it rest against his body. He stared at the ceiling for a few seconds before he turned off the light he had turned on when he got into the room. It didn't make the room that much darker as a whole, but it was darker where he was. There was only the light of the city coming into the room. Spencer watched as lights moved around as cars drove around. It was peaceful in a way that Spencer hadn't had in a long time. He kind of missed that, the peace that he had in Vegas. But DC was home at the moment. Spencer wasn't sure if he would ever feel like Vegas was home again. DC felt like home. If Spencer said goodbye to his mom, he would probably never come back to Vegas outside of cases. There would be nothing left for him here. 

Rolling over, Spencer grabbed his phone again. He got up and settled the scotch onto the bedside table before changing into his night clothes. The pants were a pair that Hotch and Jack had bought for him a few weeks before they had gone into WitSec. Jack had really liked them and had spent part of his allowance that he got for helping around the apartment to buy them. Spencer also grabbed the sweatshirt that had been given to him by Hotch years before after a case had left him with a chill after going for a middle of the night swim after being tackled by an UnSub. Hotch told him to keep it, and Spencer had. It was worn out in a lot of places, but Spencer didn't care. He dressed and laid down, making an almost burrow with the blankets on the bed. Spencer reached out when he realized that he didn't bring his phone in with him. He snagged it and brought it under the blankets with him. 

_I don't think that I trust myself to go out and find a meeting to attend for the itch that I have under my skin. I could just as easily find drugs, and that would be bad. So I'm going to lay here in bed in the hotel room that Rossi paid for and just try not to think about the cravings. I miss being able to call you in the middle of the night if the cravings got too bad. Even during the years where I wasn't sure if we were friends or not anymore I knew that if I called you up, you would be there to talk me through my craving until I could make it to a meeting. I knew that you would be there if I needed you, and that was all that I needed. You are not here now, and that kills me. I want you to be safe, but I am human, and I crave the fact that you were my touchstone_.

Spencer sighed as he hit send. He knew that he should sleep but even with the alcohol in him, he was not able to. He didn't need to keep on texting Hotch either though. Spencer knew what he was going to do because as Hotch had told him before, his mother's happiness was more important than Spencer's. Spencer could not see a moment in his life where he would make his mother do something that would bring her harm. Make her do something that she needed to do to live her life the way she wanted, or required as the case was when he put her into Bennington, but that was it. Deny her what she wanted, in this case, would hurt her and Spencer couldn't do that.

Laying his phone down, Spencer grabbed his pillow and brought it up to his face before he rolled onto his side and wrapped his body around it. He let the pillow muffle his cries and soak up his tears. 

Spencer tossed his coffee cup into the trash as he entered the coffee shop. He had stopped for several cups so far that morning as he had run around to get things for the day with his mom. He had enough items to keep them entertained in a world of their own for the whole day, and the only time he would be leaving was when he went to Binion's that evening. 

Ordering coffee for him and a chai latte for his mom, Spencer looked around the little coffee shop. It was close to Bennington, and the nurses would sometimes get drinks for patients if they were having a bad or sometimes a really good day. 

"Hey," Serena said as Spencer stepped up to the counter. Spencer wondered if she recognized him at all, probably not. The last time that Spencer had been in the shop, she had either not been working that day or not working at all. 

"Hello, large mocha latte with no whip please and a large chai latte, hot." Spencer watched as she typed it into the POS and then started to mark the cups for the person making the drinks. Spencer paid and stepped over to the line waiting on their drinks. Spencer looked at emails on his phone, forwarding the ones that Prentiss needed to take care of while he wasn't there but responding to a few that were things only he could do. 

Spencer's order was called, and it was already in a drink carrier. He picked it up and nodded at the person and left. Spencer didn't touch his until he was in the car and driving. Bennington was only a few minutes away, and he was there in no time. Spencer saddled himself up like a pack mule, adding the drinks that he had grabbed for lunch to the carrier to put into the fridge in Diana's wing. It was nice and easy to get it all inside. He had one hand free and was able to enter the code that would allow him inside with just one hand. 

Diana was dressed and ready for him to spend the day. She had slipped in for another shower to help wash off the last of the depression on her. She got up and helped Spencer settle the things around the room where they could fit while he put up the food for lunch as well as the drinks. He had already written her room number and name on them. 

Spencer thought that he would feel like it was a horrible day, but after accepting helping his mother rest and move on life, he felt kind of free. He could understand some of the health care workers who risked their life and their job to help their patients move on when they were ready. 

"This looks wonderful, Spencer," Diana said as she looked around her room. It was all things that Spencer had brought before that Diana liked and helped to cheer her up. No one was going to think anything was up, not after the funk that she had been in. 

"Anything for you, Mom. You know that." Spencer gave her a huge smile, and she smiled back. "Whatever you need, whatever you want. However, you want me to help, I will."

Tears welled up in Diana's eyes. She opened her arms and Spencer fell into them. There were no tears on Spencer's side, but he felt the tears of relief from his Mom. 

Spencer wasn't sure what made him follow Rossi into the small corner at the bar the team had forced him into after the memorial. Spencer was shocked by who had come. He had called them to tell them, and JJ had all but forced him to tell her everything that was going on and what they could do. There was little they could do to help him, so they had decided that they were going to be emotional support friends. Spencer hadn't been able to deny them the right to come and visit and pay their respects to the woman who had tried her hardest to raise Spencer right. 

Every single time a door opened, Spencer hoped it was Hotch but it never was, it wasn't at the lecture hall where the memorial was held, where his mom taught for many years, and it wasn't at the bar either. 

"I know the look on your face, Spencer," Rossi said as they settled into the corner where it was quiet. "How drunk have you been?"

"Today's the first drink that I have drunk since the night before she died." Spencer didn't know why he said that, but he did. He looked at Rossi with fear in every single inch of his bones. 

"I had a feeling when the doctor said on the phone that she wasn't doing the greatest mentally. Then when you called, JJ had you on speaker. You had already said goodbye. Helping her end things on her own terms while she's still as hale of mind as she could be is a good thing." Rossi reached out and laid his hand on Spencer's shoulder and squeezed. "You made her happy with accepting her choice."

"I stayed until she slipped into sleep," Spencer admitted. Just saying the words out loud made Spencer feel better. He had not actually typed the words to Hotch, but he had written them in a letter that he was going to add to the journal he was keeping in his desk, but he wasn't going to add it until he actually gave it to Hotch. "She'd not been taking all of her meds all of the time. Her ward is mostly voluntary, and they all take their meds okay so no one has to watch. She's been stockpiling enough to overdose. There is no way to link that back to me. Where she had been depressed, I did all the things I normally do to get her happy, so that's nothing out of the ordinary."

"Carolyn took the pills before I got there," Rossi said. He gave Spencer a sorrowful smile. "I could only hold her while they slowly stopped her heart. Give her the love that I had for her. I understood, and I understand what your mother was wanting. You gave that to her Reid. You gave her what she needed, which was acceptance of her choice."

"She wrote in journals. She wrote down over and over again the same reasonings the exact same way so that I knew she wasn't making a sudden choice. She wanted to go on her own terms in her own way with no one having to remember her when she was at her worst. She hated what it was doing to her."

"And that's everything. We see so many who harm others with their diseases and medical problems. We don't see the pain sometimes that they are in until after we know who the UnSub is but no matter your part, Spencer you helped her. Even if it was just holding and reading to her as she fell asleep."

"Spence," JJ said from the edge of the alcove they were in. "Everyone wants a speech. Doesn't have to be all that long."

Spencer smiled at her and tucked her into his body as he stepped back to where the others were. Morgan, Savannah, and Hank were at the forefront. Rossi had bought the bar out and made sure that the owner was going to make enough money for the night. Tara Lewis and Luke Alvez were there as well as Anderson, Will, and Henry with little Michael, Garcia, and Prentiss. As weird as they were, they were his family now, and he wouldn't trade them in for the world, even if there were two missing from that family at the moment.


	6. Scratches Run Deep

There was something about the city at night that Spencer was coming to like. He hadn't thought much about it before, even though he had lived in DC for over a decade. It wasn't like Vegas, the city that never slept. There were eddies and tides to the action inside of DC. Spencer had not had a lot of time to himself lately. He knew that his apartment was being watched. He knew that when he was on cases, the rest of the team watched him closer. Even driving home, there was usually someone watching him and following him. Peter Lewis hadn't been sighted since he had tried to run Spencer off of the road. Spencer wasn't sure if he liked that or not. It felt like the time between Foyet's attack on Hotch and the threat made against Haley and Jack and when Hotch finally made his move on killing Haley. 

Spencer looked out onto the city from the top of the parking garage for a local mall. It was the best vantage point for Spencer to see it all. He had a book in his lap and music playing out of the car. He had left his car running so that he didn't drain the battery. Spencer hadn't read on his book though; he had just been staring out at the city in front of him. He had a spot he normally did this in, but he didn't want to go there because it was very isolated and at least this parking complex had cameras everywhere. 

"I miss you, Hotch," Spencer said, and it felt like a weight was lifted off him just saying it to the air. He missed a lot of shit of his life before Hotch had gone away. He missed Hotch liked he was a limb that was missing. Giving up on the book, Spencer closed it and tossed it into the passenger seat. He turned off the overhead light in the car and put it into reverse. The drive back to his apartment was short and long at the same time. It was the same shit over and over again. He pulled in to the parking lot that served his apartment and found that his spot and the guest spot that he paid for was full. Spencer groaned, but he remembered seeing a place on the street, so he backed out and circled the block to get that spot. 

Spencer wasn't sure what he was going to do if he had to find another spot. Thankfully when he pulled around the corner, he saw that the place was still open. It didn't have a limit or a fee to park there. Spencer looked up at his apartment and just stared at the building. He missed a lot of shit, and he really wished that he had something that he could do that would help with the loneliness of his life. He knew that it wasn't healthy to focus on how big a hole Hotch and Jack being gone made in his life, but he had never handled change well at all. 

Getting out, Spencer walked across the street and into the parking lot. He took pictures of the cars in his two spots making sure that it was evident that they were in the wrong ones. There was a larger guest parking for many of the apartment sets in the area, and it was about a half a block down. He walked toward the front, glancing at the side window of his apartment, and he froze. At first look, it seemed like everything was normal, but it wasn't because Spencer knew precisely how he had left that plant in the window. He rotated it daily, so make sure that it didn't get too much sun on one side and tip toward the sun too much. It was turned around to where the smiley face that Henry had painted on the pot was facing the way that it should not. Spencer fumbled for his phone in his pocket and texted Rossi the code that he needed help at his apartment and to have it be silent. 

Spencer called his landlord next and let him know that there was a potential killer in the building. After Spencer had found out about Lewis coming after him, he made sure that those in the building would be safe. His landlord would make sure that the residents on his floor were aware to not leave their apartment until the landlord called and gave them the clear and that if anyone knocked to act like they were not home or asleep or something. Spencer could not abide by having someone else hurt when it should be him. He inhaled as he stepped back into the shadows. There was no question that someone had been in his apartment, but whether they were still there or if they were gone after having laid a trap or surveillance was what Spencer wanted to find out. 

Ten minutes later, two vans pulled up, one for the electric company and the second for the elevator company. None of the men and women who exited the vans looked like they were law enforcement in any way or shape, but Spencer knew that he didn't look like one either. None of them looked at him. They just grabbed their bags and entered the building. Two of the people from the elevator company got into the elevator and locked it down before they exited it again and walked to the steps and started up them. There was elevator access to the upper shaft on the second floor, and in the basement, there was access to the under part of the elevator. 

Morgan was the first to arrive, and even if he was retired, Spencer wasn't that shocked. Instead, he just leaned into Morgan as the man settled in at his side. The lights in Spencer's apartment turned on, and he watched as bodies moved across it. Slowly over the next half an hour, the rest of the team trickled in until all of them were in the far part of the parking lot. There were still bodies moving around Spencer's apartment, but that was all that they could see. 

The lights in an apartment that was on the far side of the building on the same floor as Spencer's showed that someone had opened the outer door. Spencer knew that it was empty. The sound of gunfire rang out minutes later. 

"All clear for hostiles, unsure on traps. The suspect is down, I need an agent to come up and confirm it's Peter Lewis," a voice said over the handheld that Rossi had in his hand. 

"I'll go," Prentiss said as she stepped up. 

To Spencer, it felt almost anticlimactic at best. If it wasn't Lewis, then he wanted to know who the hell had done it. It seemed that there were traps or something waiting for the team. At least the local team that was briefed on taking down Lewis knew that he liked traps and hallucinogens. 

"It's Lewis," Prentiss said over the handheld. 

Everyone around looked at Spencer who just wanted to slump down into the floor and sigh. He only had a single thought in his head, and that was that Hotch could come back. Even as he was escorted up to help clean up his apartment, he looked into the apartment that had been empty but now held Lewis's body covered with a sheet. Spencer slipped from Morgan's arms and into the room to look at the body for himself. He lifted the sheet and stared at the body. There were three shots in the center of his chest. He hadn't died all that quickly, and Spencer wondered if that was because the team wanted to do that or it was only the best spot to hit him. 

"It's him," Spencer whispered. 

"Yes," Morgan said as he reached down and pulled Spencer up. Spencer didn't fight at all. Instead, he let Morgan lead him all the way into his apartment. There were already a few points where markers were put that indicated that something had been found. Spencer walked over to look at his plant and found that it had previously been noted and Spencer saw that there was a tube of some kind in the plant with a timer on it. The tube had been clamped shut by a strip of metal. 

"Hey, Doc," one of the team said as he stepped up to Spencer and gently laid a hand on his shoulder. Spencer looked up and saw that it was Anders. Anders ran with him on occasion when Spencer needed to at the track at Quantico. There were days that only the steady trod of his feet on the pavement quieted his mind; it had gone up since Hotch had been put into hiding. "You know your place better than us and will know if he's messed with anything else. We are going to go over it all with a fine-toothed comb so you won't be staying here tonight."

"He'll crash at mine. I already have Anderson getting a go-bag from the office for you, Reid," Morgan said. 

"Thanks. Yeah, I'll drive myself though. I still need to at least go into work tomorrow."

"I know, but I'm not leaving until you are." 

It didn't take long for Spencer to figure out the things that Lewis had messed with in the apartment. He had laid several traps with his damned concoction of shit that he used to drug people. 

Hank was delighted and strangely still awake when Spencer walked in the door with Morgan two hours later. Savannah at least didn't make him hug her that time. Though it was a near miss. Spencer knew that he wasn't fragile, he was just shocked. It seemed like Lewis had been caught in the most stupid way possible but then if Spencer hadn't looked up at his plant, he never would have noticed it. He would never have even thought about anything before entering his apartment where he would have set off the first of the traps. He was smart, but Lewis had not been smart enough to put shit back in the right spot. 

It had been easy to figure out what he had planned for Spencer once all of the traps had been found. Each window had been booby-trapped. The thinking was that Spencer would rush to the windows to get fresh air after getting blasted when he entered the apartment. Lewis had been lying in wait for Spencer to run that way instead of into his apartment. It was interesting to see all of the places that had been set up and backup and even tertiary spots that Spencer might have gone to instead of the windows like the sinks, the bathroom, the shower inside of the bathroom and even the toilet. Lewis had wanted him, and he wanted him bad. 

"So, what happened?" Savannah asked, her voice soft but not soft enough to not carry from the kitchen. Morgan was making sandwiches for them, and Spencer had been ordered to not even try and go to sleep until he had eaten something. Spencer wasn't even sure that he could sleep at the moment. 

"Using cameras from the area, Garcia was able to track down where Lewis had parked his car, which was in Reid's guest spot. There was enough gear to keep Reid bound, and the trunk was empty. We assume that he was going to be kidnapped and either used to get Hotch out of hiding or thinking that Reid knows where he is."

"How is he doing?"

"Pretty good. A little numb, I think, but then that's normal. Only time will tell how he's really doing. He's strong, but this is just another thing that he doesn't need."

"When are Hotch and Jack coming back?" 

"I don't know. That's on Hotch. I just hope it's not too long. Reid's going to need him."

"Why did Lewis think that he would know where he was?"

"We've never actually figured out what information that Lewis got from the FBI when he hacked the DOJ for the records of where that woman was that he went after. There is also no telling what he got from other agents that he's bribed in the time that he escaped."

"He was bribing agents?"

"That's why Hotch was framed for that whole terrorist attack thing. Or that's what I've been told about it all. They are still figuring it all out. There is a lot of scrambling happening, and it's trickling down hill. There are some who think that once Hotch is done playing in the BAU that he's going to make a run for the Director's spot, but everyone that actually works with him knows that he has no interest in any of that. He's going to die sitting in that chair that he's going to be sitting in soon." 

"This is the second time that someone has targeted him, targeted Jack you think he's going to come back?"

Spencer turned away to walk down the hall to Hank’s room as the boy was yawning in his arms. Spencer didn't want to hear Morgan's thoughts on that because there was nothing else in Spencer's mind other than Hotch coming back, other than him sitting in the chair that Prentiss had been keeping warm. Spencer didn't want Hotch to be anywhere else. 

Sitting down in the rocking chair in Hank's room, Spencer sat and rocked him while he fell asleep. He'd probably get yelled at for doing it, putting him to sleep like that but Spencer needed someone close to him. Spencer looked up at the stars on the ceiling that he had made into constellations of all of the protectors in Greek and Roman myths. Spencer thought about what he would do if Hotch left the team. There was no guarantee that Prentiss would stay and then it was just going to be Rossi and JJ who had been around a long time, Garcia as well but she wasn't out in the field with them. Spencer liked Tara Lewis and Alvez, but he wasn't sure that he could stay on a team with them and no Hotch and no Prentiss. 

"Hey," Morgan said softly from the doorway making Spencer have to tip his head down to look at him. Morgan was standing there with a beer in his hand. There was no plate of food, which meant that Morgan was going to make him go to the kitchen to eat. Spencer looked at Hank in his arms and saw that the boy was fast asleep. Spencer carefully stood up and walked to lay Hank in his bed. He covered up his Godson and just stared at him for a few seconds. 

Spencer leaned into Morgan before the man could pull him close as he drew even with him at the door. He knew Morgan well enough by that point to know that the man would do it. Morgan laughed as he wrapped his arm around him. The beer was handed over. Spencer eyed it to make sure that Morgan had not taken a drink, but it didn't look like he had. Spencer tipped it up and took a drink. When they entered the kitchen, Savannah wasn't anywhere to be seen. 

"Vannah went to bed. She has an early morning shift tomorrow so she'll be gone when you wake up unless you can't sleep. Then you might see her. You have a key to the place so if you want to take a run you can. There are no restrictions on you anymore. Lewis is dead, and you are safe."

Spencer sat down at the island where there was a plate with a pickle spear and a huge handful of his favorite chip. Spencer picked one up and ate it, his stomach growling at the thought of food. He had been hungry when he had been heading home, but that had been forgotten in the rush of being afraid of who had been in his apartment. Morgan was good because he didn't make Spencer talk, but he waited it out, waited for Spencer to get his thoughts in a row before he spilled it all. Morgan was good at that, letting him be himself while trying to help him. 

"Thank you," Spencer said as he looked down at his empty plate and the three empty beers that were in front of him. The beer had helped him enough to be verbal enough to really get things off of his chest but not enough that he did something stupid like spill things that he shouldn't. 

"Welcome, and I'm always here." Morgan reached over and picked up Spencer's plate while Spencer started to grab all of the beers that they had drunk. 

When Spencer actually laid his head down on the pillow, he actually felt like he could sleep. He wasn't sure how long he could sleep, but he was going to do it for as long as he could.

Spencer barely heard the knock on the door. He looked down at his book and looked at the pages left. "Be there in just a minute," Spencer called out, turning his eyes back to the pages and the words on them. He had been reading for days, sometimes outside and sometimes inside but he hadn't not had a book in his hand unless he was cooking, using the bathroom, driving, or sleeping. He knew that his apartment looked like a bomb had gone off in it. He didn't care. It wasn't like anyone else was going to be coming over for a while. 

Hotch was still MIA, and if the rumors were to be believed, he wasn't coming back. He was enjoying his life with Jack elsewhere and wasn't coming back to DC at all, wasn't coming back to the BAU, wasn't coming back to Spencer. Spencer forced himself to focus on the last pages of the book, taking in the words at a slower pace since he was reading for pleasure instead of work. Spencer closed his eyes to savor the ending of the story before he opened them again and picked up the next book in the series. He had been slowly making his way through the young adult sections of local libraries. Most of the stories were really good, there were a few that made Spencer fear for the teens who read them if they thought that the romance in them was good. Spencer had started with the Twilight books that had been a small focus of a case a few years before and thankfully had hoped there were better books out there. Spencer was enjoying them because if there was sex, it was very, very small parts and wasn't as detailed as some of the science fiction and fantasy books that were in the adult section. 

The knock sounded again, and Spencer swore. 

"Be right there." Spencer set down the book he was only about fifty pages into and looked at the time. It was mid-morning and not Morgan's standard call time to check on him, so he doubted that it was him. It could be any one of the team. Spencer kind of regretted calling out the first time. He wondered if the person would go away if he kept on ignoring them. The knock sounded again, but this time it was lower on the door and not nearly as heavy like it was from a child. Spencer raised the chances on it being JJ and Henry up by a good bit. 

Spencer pushed himself up and out of his chair that he had bought a few days before. It was just big enough that he could read in any of the positions that he liked to and soft enough that it felt like he was reading a cloud. Spencer stubbed his toe on a book, cursing out loud. There was a giggle at the door that did not sound like Henry. Spencer stopped and stared at the door, trying to place who could be outside of his door with a child that was not Henry. Spencer just kept staring at the door debating opening it or not. 

The knock came again, and Spencer sighed and stepped up to open the door. His hand fell slack from the doorknob at the two faces he was looking at. He didn't know what to say, he didn't know what to do. He felt like shutting the door and crawling into bed until he woke up because this had to be a dream. He looked from Jack's face to Hotch's and back again until Jack took matters into his own hands and rushed forward into Spencer, wrapping his arms around Spencer's waist and holding on for dear life. 

"Hello," Hotch said. 

"Hi. Umm...come in." Spencer started to take a step back, but Jack held onto him so tightly that he couldn't. Hotch gave him a smile and slipped into the room before he shut the door. Spencer watched him set down a cloth bag with a picture of a book on it and the name of a random bookstore that Spencer had never heard of. "When did you get back into town? Are you just coming to tie up loose ends?"

"What?" Hotch asked. He looked at Spencer very confused. 

"You could have just called." Spencer knew that his anger was irrational, but at the moment, it was the only emotion that his mind could process. He was upset, but he was also hurt. 

"We came right here after the plane landed," Jack said. 

"Why?"

"Spencer...," Hotch said, and he looked at a loss for words. He rubbed his hand over his face. "Can we sit down and talk. I had hoped the letter would help."

"What letter?" 

"Dave didn't give you the letter?"

"No," Spencer said. His legs gave out on him, and he dropped to the floor. Jack came down with him and settled into his lap, hugging him still. Spencer wrapped his arms around Jack and just held onto him. Spencer heard movement and looked up to see that Hotch was going for the cabinet where Spencer kept his liquor. There wasn't much, brandy for him and scotch for anyone one else that came along. He filled two glasses with scotch and grabbed a warm bottle of water. He sat down against the back of Spencer's couch and settled the water in at his side while handing over a glass of scotch. 

"I wrote you a letter, and while I knew you would hate getting a letter, there was just no time, and WitSec wasn't allowing me to call anyone. I hated being another person leaving, especially so close to us being friends again, but there was no other option." 

Hotch's phone rang, and Spencer used it to take a drink of his scotch. Hotch snorted and answered, but strangely he turned it onto speaker instead of pressing the phone to his ear. Hotch held a finger to his lips, and Spencer nodded. 

"Yes, Dave?"

"You are not at the airport. Did your flight get in late?"

"No, it came in over an hour ago. I told you the wrong flight time on purpose."

"Why?"

"Because I had something more important to do than to listen to you bitch about everything while I was gone. Which leads me to the question that you've dodged for the entire time that I've been in WitSec with Jack and had a check-in with my Marshal. How did Reid take the letter?"

There was nothing but silence on the other end of the line. 

"Hard to lie, isn't it?"

"You told me all about how his father left, how Gideon left, and how just leaving a letter had hurt him. I didn't want you being one of them."

"So you make him think that I left him behind without a single word. I asked you for one damned thing besides finding Lewis, and you failed on that, Dave. Have a messenger bring over the letter, please. I don't think that I want to see your face at this moment." Hotch actually hung up on Rossi. He looked at Spencer. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Spencer looked down at Jack, who despite being too old to fall asleep at the time of day that it was, he was asleep on Spencer. Spencer brushed the slightly longer hair that he was sporting away from Jack's forehead and smiled down at the boy. "Did he not sleep last night?"

"No, we were packing up the things that we wanted to bring. Once where Lewis was found to be operating out of here in DC, they wanted to make sure that there was no plan in place in case he was killed before we were actually released from Witness protection. There is still a very deep investigation into a lot of it, including why his thoughts on me were taken seriously enough to arrest me. Jack slept very little last night. He was too excited to come back and to see you."

"I missed him a lot," Spencer said. 

Hotch stood up and picked up Jack, making Spencer frown as the boy tried to cling to him. Hotch turned Jack to where the boy was pressed with his face in Hotch's neck, and they moved to Spencer's bedroom. Spencer stood up to watch them. Jack stopped trying to get away when he was settled down in Spencer's bed. Hotch covered him up with a sheet after removing his shoes, when he left the room, he pulled the door mostly shut. 

Spencer nodded toward the kitchen area of the apartment. Hotch turned that way to walk. 

"Are you hungry?" Spencer asked as he thought about the food that was in his apartment. There was not a lot. Spencer had been ordering in for lunch and eating it for dinner as well. He was pretty sure that he had a frozen pizza or two and maybe some of those frozen breakfast sandwiches that he liked left. 

"I didn't even think that you should be at work."

"I was given two weeks off and a few visits with a therapist to make sure that this had not damaged me even more. So, I've been reading." Spencer looked at the stacks of books that were everywhere. He needed to run some back to the library. 

"Some light reading, right?" Hotch asked. He looked in the living room area but not at the books. He was looking at the bag that he had brought. "I brought you some more things to read. I took a page out of your book, and every day that I was gone, I wrote to you. I knew that I could send them, so I wrote in a journal of sorts. That's what's in the bag. You can read them when I leave. I don't think I want you to read them when I am here. So how did the team take it when they were told that I had gone into hiding?"

"Actually that part was handled pretty well but probably because it wasn't until after I had already gone to your place and Jessica's as she was not answering me on me taking Jack. We were told that you took a special assignment for the Director, and that was why you had disappeared overnight. Though no one thought to tell me that you thought I could become a target for Lewis until after he tried to run me off the road."

"WHAT?!" Hotch roared. He looked like he was about to fly off the seat he had just sat down on. His eyes were wide, and he seemed distraught. "They left you without knowing that someone could be targeting you?"

"No. I was left blissfully unaware until I was either nearly killed or taken as a hostage to get you out of WitSec."

"It's like the whole of the FBI upper brass took a brain vacation," Hotch said as he let his head drop to where Spencer could only see his chin. Spencer could only nod in agreeance. "I would ask who you pissed off enough to want you dead, but you've done the least amount of that kind of stuff to bring the ire of anyone within the FBI. Morgan, I could see him pissing someone off like that. Even Dave and me but you...You are like the little angel of the BAU."

"Yeah, JJ brought that up, and I just ignored her. I can't think of anything that I have done either. You never answered if you were hungry."

"No, we ate before we got on the plane. I wouldn't say no to lunch when Jack wakes up, though. We can stay here or go out somewhere. We have a lot to catch up. The Marshal service didn't tell me anything while I was in there, Dave was my only contact and evaded a lot of things. Jack's talked about trying to talk you into going Vegas for a weekend to visit your mom."

"Where is your cell phone?" Spencer asked. He hadn't looked carefully at the one that Hotch had used to call Rossi. 

"Here." Hotch pulled his phone from his pocket and handed it over without a care in the world. Spencer saw all of the texts that were listed at the texting app as unread. Spencer opened up the whole set that he had sent. He wanted to delete a few, but he didn't. Instead, he set it to the start and handed it back over. "What?"

"Read," Spencer said. He got up to start a cup of coffee. He had gone to a machine that brewed a cup at a time but also had his older brewer on hand just in case he needed a lot in a short order of time. Spencer watched as the coffee dripped down into the cup mixing with the little bit stark white liquid creamer that was in the bottom. Spencer heard the scrape of the chair legs and braced for whatever emotion Hotch was going to have for him. 

"Spencer," Hotch said, and he sounded a little bit broken. He wrapped an arm around Spencer's shoulders, hugging him from behind. Spencer turned his head to the side and laid it down on Hotch's shoulder and upper arm where it was arched up to hug him. "I'm so sorry that you had to do that alone. I would have wanted to be there. I would have wanted to fly out to you and help you. I'm sorry that you had to make the decision, but I'm glad that she's at peace." 

Spencer turned around in Hotch's hold, and he didn't care about anything but the purge of emotions that had been bottled up inside since Hotch had left. Spencer wasn't sure he long he stood there in Hotch's arms and cried or the point in time when he fell down to his knees, but Hotch didn't let go of him. 

"I'm here for you, Spencer no matter what you need, even if it's a three a.m. call to help you not crave, or an extra touch on the arm to remind you that you are not alone. You've been alone too long, and I hate that I was not there when you needed it when you needed me the most. You are a strong person, but even you need help." 

"Don't," Spencer said when it seemed like Hotch was going to let him go. 

"Just moving around," Hotch said, and there was a smile in his tone. He wrapped his arms tightly around Spencer and held onto him. 

The smell of Spencer's coffee was strong in the room when he finally felt like he could let go of Hotch and make it on his own. Spencer tried to pull back, but Hotch didn't let him go far. Hotch gripped the back of Spencer's head and forced their eyes to lock. 

"I mean that, Reid. I don't care what time of day it is. I don't care if we just finished talking and you thought that you could do it but you just really can't. I don't care. I want you to call me or to drive to my house."

"House?" Spencer asked. 

"Yeah, Dave took my money and found me a house I wanted along with a good bit of land. Jessica's life got upended by all of this, and while she's very proud, she took my logic on why I needed to help her. So I own a pretty nice sized house with a huge tract of land that has a smaller house at one end that Jessica's going to move into and then she's going to find a different job. Her other boss was not that happy about her having to take a sabbatical so I promised her that I would take care of her until she was on her feet job wise and that she needed to find one that she wanted. When Jack and I get at least moved in a little, I'll have you over that first Sunday. Right now, there are boxes everywhere as Dave knew we were headed home, and my things were pulled out of storage."

"He knew?" Spencer asked. He tried to think back to see if Rossi had stopped anyone from their talk of him not coming back at all. 

"He was supposed to tell everyone that we were on our way back. I start as Unit Chief again as soon as I pass my physical, and I'll still pass my gun test, so I don't see any issues." 

"He didn't. He didn't tell us anything. Hell, he's listened as the rumors started and spread that you weren't coming back. That you were liking being a stay at home Jack for everywhere, the Marshals had dropped you and Jack and didn't want to leave there!" Spencer was near yelling at the end, so he stopped and settled down again. Hotch still had an arm around him, and they were too close for usual societal standards for friends. Spencer didn't want to be anywhere else. He actually looked at Hotch, the man didn't look all that different. He was in a nice pair of slacks, and a polo. The same kind of clothes he wore on his downtime before he had left. He was wearing the same cologne, a scent that Spencer had missed a lot. Spencer had never found it in the stores, and he'd looked but then he didn't shop at a lot of the stores that Hotch did. Their clothes while both high end were very different. Spencer wondered at if it was something that Hotch found while traveling for work years before and did mail orders and now Internet orders for it. Spencer had debated long ago, slipping into his bathroom to see what he used but never had. 

"I'll talk to him. Sometimes he lets his very literal thinking get in the way. He's a good profiler, but sometimes he's too much of an agent to be a good person. So what were you thinking about for lunch?"

"I don't know. I've not really left here other than to get groceries. I've been ordering in food. Is there any place that you have missed? Or Jack?" Spencer didn't care if they ate dirt as long as Hotch stayed around. Spencer knew that he was clinging to the man, but so far, Hotch had not at all acted like he wanted to get away from him. Spencer could take it for as long as he could get it. 

"That stupid place that you took us to that one time? Where the Italian man and the Chinese woman married and had a kid, who made a very weird restaurant that's Italian, Chinese, and Hawaiian food all mixed onto the same menu." 

"We can go there. They open at eleven today." Spencer smiled, and it was the first smile in a very long time that felt real. 


	7. For What?

Spencer had woke up with a hangover before. His friendship with Morgan made sure of that. Though waking up like this was nothing that Spencer had ever felt before. He was on the floor, that much he knew but he had not opened his eyes yet. It didn't smell like any place that he knew. He tried to recall how he got where he was. Where his memory should be was just a massive blackout of information and Spencer didn't like it at all. He reached into his pocket, moving slowly because it felt like he might throw up. Spencer used the flashlight on his phone to look around, and he saw a body beside him. Spencer forced himself to get up and move to where he could check for a pulse. Then he realized that he was covered in blood and scratches.

There was only a single thought in Spencer's mind, so he brought up his maps function on his phone and took a screenshot of it and texted that to Hotch. Spencer then called him.

"Hotchner," Hotch said, and he sounded stressed, and Spencer wondered what was up.

"Hotch?" Spencer croaked.

"Reid, where the hell are you?" Hotch demanded.

"I don't know, but I opened my map function up on my phone, and I sent that to you. There is a dead body beside me. I've covered in scratches and blood. I think that I bit someone, but I can't see a mark like that on the body beside me. Though I have not really got up. I think I was drugged."

"We are going to stay on the phone. We are headed to you now. It'll be Morgan, Dave, and I. We've been looking for you for hours. You went on the coffee run and never came back to work."

"Yeah, I can't remember that. I remember waking up this morning, and then it hurts to remember. I feel like I might throw up."

"I'll have a CSU team dispatched to where you are as soon as I get a better address. Morgan, have Garcia open up the text on my phone and get a CSU team there immediately."

"How is?" Morgan asked, his voice being picked up over the phone.

Spencer closed his eyes and laid down again. The room was spinning, and he wasn't sure what he could do. If he was drugged the less, he did anything the better as it would dissipate less in his system with the blood not pumping as much. Spencer felt the paranoia creeping in just like he had when he had been last drugged against his will. He tried not to think of the smell of the place.

"REID!" Hotch yelled.

"Sorry, Hotch. I'm trying not to smell burning fish hearts and liver," Spencer said.

"We are getting there, Spencer. We are close."

Spencer squeezed his eyes shut a little tighter as he heard sirens. He recognized the ones that were on the standard SUVs that the Bureau used. He stayed down because he didn't want to get up and puke. Spencer pulled the phone away from his ear and looked to see if the flashlight was still on.

"I'm going to wave the phone back and forth in an arc, Hotch, with the flashlight on."

"Okay." Hotch sounded like he didn't want Spencer to do it, but it was the only way without playing a game of Marco Polo. Jack had taught Spencer about that game one Sunday when they had gone to a pool to swim for a summer birthday bash for the boy since his birthday wasn't in weather that was good for outdoor things.

Spencer rolled to his side because he was afraid he couldn't fight back the puking anymore and he didn't want to choke. He kept on waving the phone and then the door was broke down. Spencer let the phone drop, and he curled into a ball.

"Morgan, you have to stay back, you are technically not supposed to be here," Rossi said.

"Hotch?" Spencer cried out.

"He's getting evidence kits from the back Reid. We can't get close until we make sure that we preserve this crime scene. How are you doing?" Rossi asked.

"I feel like I'm going to throw up."

"Okay, try and hold on until we can get something for you to throw up in."

Spencer felt a hand under his head, and then something pressed to his face. He threw up without anyone telling him to. He felt a hand in his hair, helping to hold him to whatever he was throwing up in.

"Call an ambulance," Hotch said with his voice right there at Spencer's side.

"You got it," Morgan said.

"I'll call Brannon," Rossi said.

Spencer couldn't hear anything else from them because he was only concentrating on throwing up and making sure that he didn't do it all over Hotch. After a while, it was just dry heaves but those sucked just as much as full out throwing up. He tried not to think too much about it.

After five minutes of Spencer now throwing up, there were the sounds of sirens and new voices.

"Hey, Doc, how are you doing?" a voice asked.

Spencer couldn't place it at first. He tried to but couldn't. Spencer forced his eyes open to see Jack Garrett there in front of him, crouched beside Hotch. Hotch was dressed in one of the outfits of blue, almost paper to stop him from contaminating the scene. Garrett wasn't in that, but he was careful it looked like.

"Hi, Garrett. I've been a lot better."

"I bet. Look, we need to get a few pictures of you in the room. Where have you been since you got up?"

"Here. I was on my back, but I rolled to my side when I thought I might throw up. I looked around from here and didn't go anywhere. If there were drugs in me, and I think that there is, then I didn't want them rushing about too much and disappearing."

"Good, that means that you haven't contaminated this much. Simmons is going to go back to the hospital to help with the collection of evidence on you. Hotch is going to go, as well. He might be able to help you more if he stays with you. He's good at directing your brain, and Simmons isn't."

"Sure."

"I want you to walk out so that we don't have a gurney disturb the body. Grab Hotch to stand up."

Spencer did as Garrett said, reaching out and grabbing Hotch's arm to steady himself as he stood up. The world spun, and Spencer realized what was in him. "It's whatever Hankel cut his Dilaudid with, partially. I recognize that feeling."

"Hankel?" Garrett said.

"Dead UnSub who kidnapped and fed Reid a cocktail of Dilaudid that he had cut with a hallucinogenic until he was mentally dependent on it. He's been clean since then, and his record does state it and that he sought help from the correct places afterward."

Spencer looked at Hotch because he had no clue that his file stated any of that. Though he knew that he had been given a tox screen after being in the hands of Hankel for two days, he just hadn't realized that it had all of the other stuff.

"Family retaliation?"

"None, there was just his father and his mother. His mother left him when he was young, and we tracked her to a grave three counties over. She died of an overdose from the abuse at the hands of her husband. The father was dead before he starting his killing. No one would come after Reid for that, and the details like that are not public knowledge. The man was a loner who only stalked people online and didn't go out into the world that much. So I'm not that concerned about that angle."

"I'll look into who had access, and when the tox screen is done, then we can also run that MO."

"Good."

Spencer was led to a gurney, Morgan was there in civilian clothes looking like his world was rocked. Spencer held out his hand but dropped it when he saw the blood. Morgan shook his head but gave Spencer a smile.

"I'll go to your place and lock it down and have CSU go there just in case. Your keys were found, and that's what started the manhunt for you. You carry your car key separate than the rest, and so we were looking for your car. We saw it down the street, and CSU has a tech going over it before it's taken to be given a more in-depth look."

"Check the handle," Spencer said.

"First thing CSU dusted. There were prints but unsure if they are yours or not."

"Shouldn't be. My car was detailed not too long ago, and the guy who does it is the same size as me. Once he's done cleaning the carpets and such, he puts the seat back where it belongs then wipes the whole car down. There should be no prints in the car except for mine, so if you find any, then it's someone else. I'll give Hotch the name of the man who details my car, and he can give up prints to clear himself."

"I'll get Monty on that," Garrett said. He gave Spencer a look. "You worry about getting yourself looked at."

"I need to call my sponsor. I left my phone in there, but can I use your phone?" Spencer asked Hotch.

"Of course, once you are allowed."

Spencer laid back on the gurney and closed his eyes. The world was spinning a little bit, and he wasn't sure what was going on with him. While this felt like that drug that Hankel had given him, it could have been any manner of drugs, but any information is better than none, even if it sends the team down a weird spiral.

The doors were shut on the ambulance and Spencer opened his eyes. Only Hotch and the EMT was in the back with him. He turned his head to see that Simmons was up front.

"Walk me through what you can," Simmons said.

"I don't remember much outside of coming into work this morning. I remember stealing chocolate from JJ's desk and then working, and after that, it gets blurry. Right now, I don't know if that's from the drugs or a side effect of the drugs on my system at the current. I can't do a lot of recall at all, really. Not even the book that I was reading last night. Which I should, but that could just because I am very off right now."

"That's okay, we can talk more once the tox screen is done. The hospital knows you are on your way and have their best techs waiting for evidence collection as well as their best blood draw person. We are going to get to the bottom of this, but for now, you are in my custody, you won't be allowed to talk to Hotch alone."

"I won't."

"He's not going to a damned thing that will make it seem like he's covering anything up," Hotch said.

Spencer looked at Hotch until the shaking of the rig had him feeling nauseous again. He closed his eyes.

"CSU has arrived and have started to process the scene." Simmons tone was normal, or what Spencer thought was normal. It was interesting to hear it. Spencer didn't talk much with the International Response Team outside of Monty. Spencer felt himself slipping into sleep, and he didn't stop it. His body obviously needed it. As he did though, he saw an image, and that was of him holding a knife, but it was wrong like someone had put it in his hand. It wasn't how Hotch had taught him to wield a knife just in case he was ever in a fight with an UnSub and got it from the UnSub.

Spencer forced himself awake and tried to look at Simmons.

"Simmons," Hotch said as he reached out with a still gloved hand and pressed Spencer down. "Talk, Reid."

"I just had a memory. Hotch taught me SWAT fighting tactics with knives. The woman was stabbed, yes?"

"Yes, she was, and it was very sloppily done." Simmons was free with the information, so Spencer figured that he wasn't afraid of Spencer using that against him.

"I had the knife in my hand, but it was like I didn't know what to do with it. It was being held totally wrong, and I would have lost it as soon as I tried anything with it."

"He's not the greatest with a knife like that but he would know how to hold it, and it's pretty ingrained at this point. We went over it again, not long after I got back. I've personally made sure that he's able to pass the entrance and final exams in all of the physical stuff since he was taken by Hankel. He's not going to use a knife like that unless he was drugged and if he was drugged."

"He could have been made to see or think anything. What are the odds that this could be retaliation?" Simmons asked.

"For Mr. Scratch? Slim to none but we've dealt with copycats before and someone who had a vendetta who made it look like a copycat. It's not that hard as most of our cases are very public given the nature of them."

"Bag," Spencer said, and he rolled onto his side as Hotch brought the bag up to him and let him puke into it. He knew that it was being kept to be analyzed in case what he was given had been ingested. It was still disgusting to know. The FBI lab techs were going to hate him.

"Monty has all of the footage. It shows you following someone Reid. You went to go into the shop but stopped when you saw someone off to the side. You texted someone and then are gone from all cameras. Do you know who you were following?"

"No," Spencer said between dry heaves. Spencer hated that he wasn't able to hold the bag himself but there was blood all over his hands and under his nails, and it was best to wait to have it collected than him to throw up on his hand. He hoped that he would be able to be given something for nausea soon. He that wouldn't be until after he had his blood drawn and the tests were wrong. He would be looked over for anything that was on his body to check for injection spots as that would help narrow the tests down. 

Spencer ran through everything that he could in his head but found that it was all jumbled. He couldn't think straight, and he didn't like it. Spencer looked over at Hotch with a frown on his face. Hotch gave him a smile back and looked like he wanted to touch to reassure him, but it was better that he didn't. 

"How are you feeling?" Hotch asked.

"Like shit. I've not felt this bad since Georgia. The nausea isn't going away. I just want to sleep but we are too close, and I'll just have to wake up and talk to everyone. Make sure that they-" Spencer closed his mouth to fight off a wave of nausea. 

"I'll tell them about your allergies. I promise." 

"We are here," the driver said. 

Spencer steeled himself for what was to come.

Spencer held out his hand for the bottle of water that Hotch was holding out to him. He had been poked and prodded more in the last three hours than he had in his entire life combined Spencer was pretty sure. Every single inch of his body had been photographed, and Spencer was glad of it as there were marks on his body that couldn't be explained given the fact that the victim he was supposed to have killed had no marks on her and no blood and skin under her nails. Garrett was keeping Simmons up to date, and he was keeping Hotch up to date. That meant that someone else was in the room and had left. There was no ID on the woman yet, but her prints were being run, and her face was being compared to local missing persons and then would expand from there. It was hell to Spencer who was still having issues with his memory, and that was pissing him off. 

"Thanks," Spencer said. He had given several containers of his own urine for them to check as well as his blood. His mouth had been scraped and samples collected from there. It was insane how thorough the techs at the hospital were being, but when they slacked somewhere, Hotch and even Simmons suggested something. 

"You are welcome. Now, I have the first tox screen test back. You were not given Dilaudid or the hallucinogenic you had been given by Hankel, but that's as much as we know. Simmons had them test for those first. More will follow soon. How do you feel after your shower?" Hotch looked Spencer up and down, making Spencer look at himself. Morgan had brought a Go bag to the hospital after Garcia had run it to him at the site where Spencer had been found. Garcia thought that Spencer would like some familiarity but knew that she couldn't face seeing him at the moment. Garcia was very upset, and she wanted Spencer to be strong. 

"How do you feel about trying to do an interview now?" Simmons asked as he entered the room. He shut the door behind him. They had been given a very large private room in the ER that had little traffic around it. 

"My head is pounding less, and the medication that they gave me for nausea is helping. Would you be running it?"

"No, I'm going to let Hotch do it. He knows you best. I'll suggest things if I think he's lacking somewhere, but Hotch knows your brain. He knows when to push and when to let go. Your brain, Doc, is not something that is easily tackled. I don't want to botch this by having your mind shut down because I dove too far in the wrong way. I'll be recording it and monitoring it so no can claim he's biased."

Spencer looked at Hotch and saw that Hotch nodded just a little. Hotch agreed to the plan. 

"I'll turn the lights down," Simmons said when Spencer nodded in agreement.

"No!" Spencer and Hotch said at the same time. Simmons raised his hand away from the wall and walked to the chair in the corner where he had been sitting before while waiting on news. 

"Close your eyes," Hotch said as he walked to stand in front of Spencer where he was sitting on the hospital bed with his legs over the side. 

Spencer waited a few seconds to shut his eyes until he was sitting with his legs crossed in the middle of the bed. He did his best thinking like this. If this failed, it would be fine. He was still drugged, and it would take a while for it to entirely leave his system. 

"Go back to work and tell me everything," Hotch said. His voice was strong and steady like it always was. 

"I got to work an hour early because I had the consult with a late night shift worker in California. You weren't even in the office yet." Spencer walked him through the whole morning, where the gaps had been in his memory before he found that those were not there anymore. He didn't start to have issues until he was going to get the coffee for everyone. 

"Why did you stop?"

"The face on the woman was familiar. I knew it. It didn't fit with anyone who should be here, though." Spencer chased that thought, but it vanished. He frowned. "It was a long time ago, and I thought I might have made a mistake."

"How long?"

"A decade."

"Simmons have Garcia pull all cases a year and a half on either side of a decade."

"Hotch, that's..."

"I know," Hotch said. His hand settled on Spencer's knee to stop the words from flowing from his mouth. "What happened next?"

"I followed her to a corner and went into the alley. She was on the phone and giving a report. She turned around and looked shocked to see me. She said that they had to move today instead of waiting as I had seen her. Then it's all gone..." Spencer trailed off as there was something nagging at the edge of his memory. He didn't force it and instead just settled in and thought about the smell of the alley and the sounds coming from behind him. Then something else starts to but in on his mind. He frowned. 

"Reid?"

"I smell blood and shotgun powder."

"Where are you?"

Spencer opened his eyes, and all he could see was a high school bathroom with two dead bodies. Spencer took off, running to the bathroom and threw up. He barely made it to the toilet, and on his second heave, he felt a hand on his back. 

"High school bathroom. Jack and Lindsay Vaughn," Spencer said between heaves.

"You watched him kill two kids because Lindsay egged him on. Why would she come after you, though? It was her, right?" Hotch sounded confused, which was something new for him. It was rare that anything confused Hotch that much. 

"Yes," Spencer said. He closed his eyes and rest his head on his arm that was braced on the back of the toilet. 

"Case number?" Simmons asked. 

Spencer listened as Hotch rattled it off and then the sound Simmons's footsteps left the room. Hotch's hand on his back didn't stop rubbing, even when Spencer dropped down to his butt on the floor. 

"Are you okay?"

"No. I saw it again. It's what started making me crave the last time." Spencer fought nausea again. 

There was a soft tap at the door, and Spencer called for whoever it was to come in. It was a nurse. She had a bottle of Gatorade in one hand and a little plastic cup in the other. 

"The agent said you started to throw up again. Drink this and take this." The nurse handed over the two things. Spencer recognized the same pill he had been given before to help with nausea. Spencer tossed the pill back and took a drink of the Gatorade after Hotch opened it. "When he starts to feel like he can move again, take him back to the bed and have him lie down. The doctor will come and check on him again in a few minutes."

"Thanks."

"There is also a name here named John who said that he would like to see you both, but I have kept him back. He refused to show me any form of ID."

"Gravelly voice makes you quake a little as he looks at you?" Spencer asked. 

"Yes."

"He's my sponsor. Please send him back." Spencer wondered why John wanted to see Hotch, but he wasn't going to question the man.

"You haven't called him yet? How does he know-" Hotch cut himself off because his mind had to have gone to the same place that Spencer's would have. Only the FBI and those agents of it would know where he was. 

"I'll send him back once you are in bed. I will reserve the right to throw him out if he upsets you."

"He won't. He just wants to check on me." Spencer smiled at her and turned to Hotch. "I'm ready to go back to the bed."

Hotch helped Spencer stand but let go of him once he was up. Spencer walked on steady feet to the bed. The doctor had vetoed IV nausea meds just because he didn't want to add another hole to his skin, just to be safe. Spencer knew he had been given a low dose the first time and that he could take a lot more given his size. He also knew that one of the main side effects of this particular version was sleepiness. 

"Hotch," John said as he entered the room and shut the door behind him just as Spencer was getting settled on the bed in a mostly upright position. Hotch had forced him to lay down, even though Spencer would rather be sitting up to talk to John. "The LEOs who patrol that area received a tip just a few minutes after the EMTs took you away, Spencer. They were told that a person had been murdered that they saw it and gave your description. The LEOs want to question you, but I've blocked them for now. The Director is being briefed, and he's aware and agrees that keeping you here under lock and key is best."

There was a knock at the door, and John turned to open it. He stepped back to let whoever it was in. Spencer did sit up when he saw it was the doctor. 

"Hyoscine," the doctor said. He handed a paper to John when he held out his hand. John's frown deepened as he looked at it. He handed it to Hotch next. 

"Well, it looks like I am going to be going back and seeing who has had access to the Mr. Scratch case that shouldn't and taking a look at everyone who has had access to it."

"We kept it quiet that he had been caught and killed," Hotch said. 

"I'm well aware, that's why I want to know who knows about him. Hotch, you are not to leave his side. The timeline that I have been given an exact time of death and what this says your rough dosage time was considering what the levels were when your blood was taken as well as urine, you were under its effects when she was killed."

"I would stand to guess that he was still too out of it given the TOD that I heard the agent in the hall saying. He was still too out of it and not enough under the point where he was suggestible. He would have not done it at that time. If it were me, I would clear him of charges on it based on that alone. I will also go on record on that. I'll write up my report and give it to the agent who is outside."

"Thank you," John said. 

The doctor left, and there was silence for a few minutes. Spencer picked at the blanket that was over his legs. He didn't remember Hotch even covering him up with it, but he was grateful for it as he was feeling cold. He wanted to roll onto his side and cover up and shut out the world. Spencer did lay back down and looked up at the ceiling. 

"Spencer," John said. He waited for Spencer to look at him before he continued to talk. "You are going to be with Hotch at all time. He knows enough law to make sure that you don't say something that the LEOs will jump on or for whoever did to get access to you and try and pin something else on you."

"I will."

"Hotch, you need anything just text. Spencer has both of my numbers. We are going to work on this until he's free of this. If you would rather I order it, I can. I want you to act as his legal counsel." 

"Yes, Sir." Hotch nodded his agreement.

"There are no sirs here, just friends." John gave Hotch a wane smile, and then he was gone from the room. 

Spencer grabbed the blanket and pulled it up to his chin. He felt the bed dip and rolled that direction. Spencer sighed as he started to warm up from the heat trapped under the blanket. He closed his eyes and willed everything to just leave. Spencer couldn't figure out why the girl who had been going by the name of Lindsay Vaughn would do what she had done. It had to be at the hands of whoever she was talking to on the other end of the phone. 

"Sleep," Hotch said as he laid his hand on Spencer's shoulder and rubbed for a few seconds before he moved on the bed a little. Spencer felt an arm above his head, and then Hotch's fingers were carding through his hair. Spencer sighed. 

"I do feel tired."

"That's the pills. I won't leave this room, and I am armed. Nothing is going to happen to you." 

"You are going to get bored."

"No. Garcia brought me my work tablet when she dropped off your go-bag to Morgan. I will have enough to let me relax. I have files I can work on." 

"I'm worried."

"I'm here Reid, and even if I have to step into being a lawyer again to make sure that the FBI does right by you in this, I'll do it. I won't let anything happen to you. I won't let anyone accuse you of something that you wouldn't do. I've got your back, as Morgan says. I'll make sure that you are treated fair. When you wake up, I'll get Simmons in here again, and we can see about memory recovery from when you were drugged. Your brain is pretty damned awesome, and I bet we can work through some stuff." 

"Okay." Spencer tried to force his body to relax. He felt Hotch move on the bed, and then he was back, hand in hair again. Spencer could hear the slight vibration of the haptic feedback on the keyboard on the screen of the tablet, and that helped him settle down into sleep. He trusted that Hotch would help him with anything and everything that he needed and he knew that he was safe with Hotch there. The man would not break his word like that. It would take an act of extreme force to get him from the room, and he would make sure that Spencer was awake and Simmons or someone else who was to be trusted was in the room with him if he had to leave. 

Spencer knew that he shouldn't feel as safe as he did with someone gunning for him, someone who hated him enough to set him up for murder. If the LEOs had got there first and arrested him, who knew what the drug test would have looked like. It was speed and quick thinking that had made sure that he was still under the effects of the drug when he had been given his intake at the hospital that had made everything. 

The team would figure out who was gunning for him, he trusted in that. He trusted in the family that he had built over the years, and he trusted that together they were smarter than any UnSub out there. They had toppled some of the best, and this one would be no different. 


	8. House Arrest

Spencer heard Hotch walk past his bedroom door for the third time in the past half an hour. He knew that at some point Hotch would give up walking past slowly to see if Spencer was awake and he would just knock. Spencer hoped that it would be a long while. He was feeling claustrophobic being right there with Hotch all of the time. At work, Hotch was there, when Spencer was going to and from work, Hotch was there, at "home" Hotch was there. Hotch had laid out his choices, and he didn't like them. Spencer did not want to live inside Quantico until the people who were after him were caught. So Spencer had to go and live with Hotch. No one else offered and really no one but Rossi had the house or the security for him to live there.

Jack thought that it was the best thing ever. He was so damned happy that Spencer was there. Jack, though, was the least obtrusive in Spencer's life. Jack let him be when he was in the bedroom, but Hotch wasn't. Hotch was hovering. Spencer had already blown up about it once, the night before after Jack had gone to bed. Now it was Saturday, and Spencer hadn't left his room, and it was just after eleven in the morning. Spencer had a stash of protein bars and drinks in his room that had caffeine in them and some that did not. He could technically stay in there until work on Monday. Hotch wasn't going to allow it, though, Spencer knew that. Hotch was going to smoke him out, but Spencer wasn't going to give in first. He was going to make Aaron make the first overture.

Spencer had lived alone basically since he had gone to college at almost thirteen, he didn't know how to live with someone else. Especially someone with a child. Spencer had taken care of himself since his father had left. Spencer didn't need someone to watch over him and feed him. He could cook his own food if he didn't want to eat when Jack and Hotch were eating dinner. He didn't need someone to make his coffee and bring it to him. He was a damned adult, and he would do what he wanted though some of that was probably diminished a little by the fact that he was hiding in Hotch's guest room like a pouting child though Hotch had been the one to start to sulk and pout first.

Closing his eyes and carefully flopping back on the bed, Spencer rolled onto his side and pulled the pillow he was using to his front to cuddle it. Hotch was taking care of him like a child, and Spencer didn't like it. He had blown up the night before about it when Hotch had made him a cup of coffee and brought it to him. Coffee didn't keep Spencer up at all, not even when it was the time of day for sleep. Spencer had been reading on the couch like he did every evening after dinner. He also drank one last cup of coffee, usually left from that morning and warmed in the microwave. Spencer had inhaled his two cups that morning as he had got distracted by a book that had come in the mail for him that he hadn't noticed that Hotch had put on his dresser. Morgan drove by Spencer's apartment every single day, getting the mail from the landlord as there was a notice that it was only to be delivered to the landlord and if the landlord wasn't there, then it was to be held until the next day.

The FBI wanted no chances taken at all with Spencer and the people who were framing him for murder. After the room where Spencer had been found with the body had been thoroughly searched by CSU and everything processed, the FBI agreed with the doctor that the woman had been too out of it when murdered and that Spencer had been too out of it to actually murder her. There was also the fact that the blood and DNA that had been on Spencer from where he had fought back before being dosed did not match the dead body. The current theory was that the woman was an accomplice of whoever had taken Spencer from that alley and she had been killed on accident when Spencer and the other person had been fighting. The wound on her chest had been sloppy. She had bled out into her chest cavity instead of being a direct hit on her heart. There was no way to tell who had killed her. However, given Spencer being kidnapped as well as the marks that he had been fighting back were all over him, Garrett was holding that even if Spencer did kill her while fighting back, he couldn't be held accountable. Which he might have had enough awareness to do at the time, maybe, it was in self-defense or an accident — much like a cop and UnSub fighting over a gun and it going off on accident.

Spencer didn't think that he killed the woman but given the scenario that Garrett laid out he could see it. He could very much see him going after the person who had drugged him, Lindsay Vaughn and then more happening. Morgan and Hotch had taught him over the years to fight for his life instead of just run like he had learned from the bullies in school. Of course, he had muscles and the training to do that, but still, it was against everything that he was actually to do that. It was ingrained deep for him just to run, just like he was doing now.

When Spencer had accepted living in Hotch's house as an added protection, to not being out of at least one team member's sight at all time, Spencer had thought that he would just stay in his bedroom at Hotch's and live like he usually did. Which was eating when he wanted, watching TV when he wanted, hell just reading when he wanted. There was a TV in the room along with cable, Hotch had even added the science tier channels to his cable package. The FBI was paying for his room and board because Rossi had fought for that. Spencer was still paying for everything for his apartment as well as the new and very upgraded security on it.

Whoever Lindsay Vaughn was working with had to be connected, and Lindsay was only targeting Spencer because of his job. That meant it was on the FBI's shoulders to make sure that he was protected. The team was running every single case that had Spencer as a focal point with the UnSub or even a victim. There were actually a lot, but Spencer kept on going back to Cat Adams. He kept his mouth shut about that, though, not wanting to influence the team. Garrett's team was doing the same thing, and they were all going for their top five and seeing what matched up. Spencer was all for that, it would be less bias if all five matched up or even just the top three. Cruz was taking a more proactive look into the BAU at the moment. He had gone on three cases so far. All three of them the team had been pairing up and even though there was a rotation to that, typically, would mean he didn't even share a room with Hotch, he had been in Hotch's room. While the FBI didn't care who stayed in what room, there were unwritten rules that males and females were not supposed to share, but no one on the team actually cared.

Spencer didn't mind sharing with Prentiss when she had been on the team or Blake, and now Lewis and it was never a hardship to share with JJ. Rossi sometimes roomed alone, paying for the room himself if he had a lot of work to do on his books or he would pull Spencer into his room if he wanted to talk to him about the book. Other than Rossi snoring, Spencer didn't mind sharing with him. Rossi was the least intrusive into Spencer's life while they were rooming together besides the females. Morgan had always been in Spencer's business, and Hotch stared, at least lately he did. Spencer had taken to actually showering at night instead of in the morning because then at least right after he was done with that he could go to bed. Even if he just laid there with the covers of his head, he at least didn't have to actually talk to Hotch.

Living with and being around Hotch nearly twenty-four hours a day meant that there wasn't much to talk about. Hotch was there for everything that Spencer did, except the three times in the past three weeks when John had picked up Spencer to go to meetings. Spencer was glad of that because Hotch never asked about how things went. He kept that part of everything separate from the life he was kind of living with Spencer.

"Reid?" Hotch asked through the door. It was low enough to where it wouldn't have woke up Spencer if he was, in fact, asleep but loud enough that Spencer would no doubt hear him if he was awake. Spencer didn't move, he barely breathed until he heard Hotch walking away. Spencer grabbed his book and started to read, turning the pages with a carefulness that he usually didn't have. There was no sound from him.

Spencer wandered out of his bedroom when it was about an hour past lunch time. He found Jack in the living room, working on a very detailed coloring book. Jack loved art, he was becoming a pretty damned good artist. The boy liked to cuddle in at Spencer's side when he was talked into watching a movie at night with them and draw.

"Where's your father?" Spencer asked as he noticed that Hotch's car was gone. Spencer wandered to the kitchen to grab something to eat. He opened the refrigerator door and found that there was a lunch plate there with his name written on the saran wrap. It was a sandwich with a little dish of Hotch's potato salad, about the same amount that he usually ate at meals when Hotch brought it. There was also a post-it note that said that chips were in the cabinet.

"Dad went to the store, and you were asleep, so he told me that if anything weird started to happen, I was to run upstairs and lock myself in your room and call the cops before trying to wake you up." Jack was there in the room with Spencer by the loudness of his voice without it echoing. 

Spencer pulled the plate from the fridge and set it down on the small island that was in the kitchen. It's where a lot of meals were eaten while the rest were in the actual dining area at the other end of the long kitchen. Spencer filled a glass with water from the fridge. Hotch bought really good filters for it, and it tasted pretty good. There was still bottles of water in the fridge for taking to go like when Jack went to play soccer and the like, but mostly water was drunk from the fridge.

Jack sat down across from where Spencer had set his plate and looked at him with a very serious look on his face. He looked a lot like Hotch at that moment. "Can we talk?"

"Always," Spencer said as he walked to the cabinet and grabbed the bag of chips. He dumped out an amount that looked good for how hungry he was. He put up the chips and sat down. He unwrapped the plate and picked up the fork that was already on there. It was shit like that which made Spencer upset to be slightly angry at Hotch. The man was trying hard, but when Spencer asked for space, Hotch looked like he had kicked a puppy in his view. Spencer wasn't used to living with anyone. It wasn't in the way that he was. He needed breathing space, but Hotch was just too damned nice, and Spencer didn't know how to be mean to him without feeling like he had yelled at a toddler. It was maddening to Spencer.

"Dad says that someone bad is after you."

"Yes, there is someone very bad after me."

"I heard dad say that someone took you and he got you back. Is that why you are living here?"

"Yes, that's why I'm staying here."

"Why don't you go and live like Dad and I did? The hiding stuff?" Jack asked.

Spencer wasn't sure how to answer that question or why Jack was asking it. He thought that Jack was liking him living there, but it seemed that maybe he had overstayed his welcome. Perhaps a few nights in that office that Garcia had turned into her own hideaway wasn't that bad. He could figure out everything from. Spencer was a grown assed man, and he could tell Hotch that he didn't want to stay there anymore. It would better. Spencer's heart would stop aching and stop wanting the weird little family that Hotch was trying to make them into. Hotch was just being nice and trying to make the best of a horrible situation while Spencer's heart and mind were latching on trying to be happy about it all. Trying to let him think that he could have it all forever.

"I guess because there is no one else in danger. Your dad knew that hiding in a place like Aunt Penelope did where she didn't leave the base for weeks wasn't something that you could do. He felt that hiding was the best option. I guess I could go and do that, go and stay at the base. We don't know who I am hiding from. You at least knew so if you saw him you could act accordingly. I don't know all of the faces so it could as easily be a strangers face that kills me or does whatever they want to do to me as it would a familiar face." Spencer looked down at the food in front of him, he wasn't feeling hungry anymore. He laid down the chip that was in his hand and rearranged the fork to where it wasn't going to do anything before he wrapped his food up again.

"Are you not hungry, Spencer?" Jack asked. He looked distraught.

"I ate one of my protein bars, and I think it's just still sitting kind of heavy on my stomach." Spencer tried to reassure Jack that he was fine, but it didn't seem like it was having the effect that he wanted it to. Jack looked like his father did when he knew that someone was lying to him. Spencer tried not to let that show as he stood up and put the food away. He really hoped that by dinner time he had a plan going on what he was going to do and that he could eat again. There were still several protein bars in his room, so even if he got hungry, he would be able to actually eat something without leaving his room.

Spencer didn't even look at Jack as he grabbed his glass of water to take to the bedroom. Hotch had told him that it was his for however long it needed to be, but Spencer wasn't sure that he did feel welcome anymore. Jack it seemed was a little tired of Spencer being around. It wasn't until Spencer was shutting the bedroom door that he saw that Jack had followed him. The look of disappointment on Jack's face as he closed the door though had Spencer regretting ever agreeing to come to Hotch's house.

Laying on his bed, Spencer looked up at the ceiling. He hoped with time that Jack would want to be friends with him again. Rolling onto his side, he wrapped his arms around his pillow and just breathed. He really hadn't ever felt so alone in a house with two other people in it.

Spencer grabbed his three books from the stack by the dresser by the door but set them back down again. He instead grabbed the notepad beside them and three different colored pens. He left his bedroom, ready to face whatever questions Jack had about him and his life and what the boy probably thought was subtle ways of wanting to know when Spencer was leaving. Spencer had already messaged John about having someone come and help him move from Hotch's house the next day. 

There was no noise that Spencer could hear from the top of the steps leading down onto the ground floor of the house, but that didn't mean anything Spencer had learned. Spencer walked down the stairs soft enough that he hoped Jack or Hotch didn't hear him, and he slipped right into the little room that was on the corner of the house. It was a nice little sitting room. Spencer got into the chair that he liked and settled into it with his feet propped up to where he could use his legs to hold the notepad up to write on. He looked at the three colors he had chosen: purple, blue, and green. He picked purple to write the list of things that he needed to remember to pack up when he started in the morning. 

After the packing list, Spencer worked on the pro and con list that he had going in his head about reasons he should stay and reasons he should leave. Jack passed by the room when Spencer had added his fifteenth reason to leave. Spencer looked up to see that the boy had been heading up to the second floor. Spencer found that he was thirsty, so he set down the pen and paper to go and get himself a drink. He remembered that he had left his glass up in the bedroom, so he walked up the steps to get it because there was no reason why he should get another dirty. 

The kitchen smelled wonderful, and Spencer saw that there was some kind of meat being cooked in the crockpot at the side of the stove. There were also hard and soft taco shell boxes on the counter. Spencer smiled at the plates that he had seen in the store while shopping with Hotch the weekend before. They were oblong shaped platters that were made for holding tacos upright but also had little wells on the plates to have extra toppings to add to the tacos as one ate them. Spencer had picked out a red one for Hotch and a blue for Jack. Hotch had doubled back and snagged a purple one for Spencer. The three plates were stacked on each other ready to be used to eat dinner on. Spencer hadn't eaten a single thing since he had rejected lunch after finding out that Jack didn't want him there. Spencer refilled his glass and drank about half before filling it again. He walked over to the doorway leading out to find that Jack was there with Spencer's list. 

"Are you leaving?" Jack asked. Spencer could not tell if he was shocked or if he was upset. He could just be so happy that he was unable to really feel lit. 

"Yes," Spencer said, and he reached out to take the notebook back. Jack jerked his hand away, though. 

"Why?" Jack asked. 

Spencer decided not to answer that. Either Jack wanted him to say it out loud or something else, Spencer wasn't sure. 

"Where is your father?" Spencer asked instead. 

Jack looked like he didn't like that Spencer was evading his question. 

"He forgot something at the store, so he went back." Jack looked down at the list again, and he seemed to crumble. "Why did you and Dad break up? Before I mean."

"Break up? What?" Spencer asked. 

"Back after Aunt Emily came back. You were gone for a long time, and then Dad started to date, Beth, and I liked her but Dad never...he let her chase him, and I could tell that he was going through with it because he thought he should but she kind of made him happy and he was so unhappy for so long after you and him broke up. Then you started coming around again and then we had to go away. I thought that you moving in here would help you two get back together, but I just don't understand why you broke up in the first place." 

Spencer just looked at Jack, trying to process those words. He knew what the words meant when they were all alone, but he wasn't sure what they meant together. Spencer walked backward because if he didn't find someplace to sit down, he was going to fall down. Jack was looking worried and dropped the notepad before rushing over and taking Spencer's glass of water from his hand. Spencer had forgotten about it, and it seemed like he was about to drop it. Spencer let Jack take it from his hands. 

"Jack, I don't understand." 

"I know you two thought you were keeping it a secret. I mean, you stayed over a lot, and you made Dad smile so much. He wasn't happy after he and Mom divorced, I was young, but even I could tell that. Then he started to hang around with you, and then you came around more and more in the months after Mom died. You made him smile. You made him laugh. He loves you, I know he does. Can't you just forgive and forget whatever happened that made you and he break up? If you did something stupid, can you just apologize? If he did something stupid, make him apologize." 

Spencer still couldn't think. He heard the front door open and shut and then the sound of the deadbolt slamming home. It echoed in his head. Spencer dropped his head down into his hand because he didn't want to look Hotch in the face. He wasn't sure what look he had on his face, but it couldn't be a good one. 

"Jack?" Hotch asked as he stepped into the room. 

Spencer heard Jack take in a breath, and he tried to reach out to cover the boy's mouth. Spencer did not want Jack to bring that up. It was not going to end well, and then Spencer would have to leave today instead of tomorrow. Jack danced away from Spencer's hand, though, and he walked over to stand in front of his father with his hands on his hips. 

"Jack, please," Spencer begged. 

"No. You aren't happy. Dad's not happy. Spencer's going to leave, and I don't want him to. Why can't you two just make-up and be a couple again? Why did you break up in the first place?" 

Spencer looked at Jack in shock. He didn't want him to leave? Then why was he acting like he had been? Spencer stared at Jack, not letting his eyes wander up to Hotch's face. Hotch wasn't homophobic, but for Jack to pick up on Spencer liking Hotch, that meant that Spencer had been doing something like it for Jack to pick up on and living in the same house as a person who liked you and you didn't like them back was unsettling. 

"I'll just-" Spencer stopped and pointed at the second exit to the room. He walked fast, but he hoped that he wasn't running. He couldn't tell. Spencer escaped to his bedroom. He didn't need this, he didn't need anything like this in his life. Spencer locked the bedroom door and then went to the bathroom. He shut and locked that door as well before sliding down the door. 

Hope was gone. Spencer had hoped that when he brought up leaving that Hotch would tell him that he was welcome, that Jack would, and it was all a misunderstanding. Spencer patted his body for his phone, but he realized that it wasn't on him. He must have left it in the sitting room. Spencer let his head fall back, ignoring the flare of pain that radiated from that point. Spencer didn't know what to do. His arm started to itch, a small nuisance that would turn into a full craving if he didn't do anything. His mind whispered about the bliss that the drug would give him. The hallucinogenic instead of the normal Dilaudid. It would make this all go away, his brain wouldn't fixate on it. His brain wouldn't go over everything to see how he could have avoided it. 

The first thing was, of course, even leaving his room. He had no reason to do that. He could have sat in the window seat and go to the sun that he wanted. He had just been sick of being cooped up in the room. Which when Spencer went to Quantico, he was going to be stuck in a room anyway. The looks of pity that he got throughout the work day were enough that he didn't want to see them when he was supposed to not be working. He wondered if he could crash in Monty's office. He was there at weird hours, depending on the cases that the team took. While Spencer's was a priority, it was all hunting and researching. It wasn't boots on the ground, so the team took other cases. At this point in time, it was really Monty doing the digging and then the team doing the profiling. WitSec had been contacted about Lindsay Vaughn, but they had been no help there. Even to someone like Rossi, who knew how to game the system. 

Spencer heard a noise and realized that it was Hotch unlocking his bedroom door. Spencer reached up and made sure the bathroom door was locked. He grabbed a towel and shoved it to the door, blocking light from leaving the bathroom. At least then Hotch would not be able to see him sitting where he was. Hotch's footsteps drew closer. 

"Come out, Reid." 

Spencer ignored him. He wasn't going to answer at all. Instead, he just started to scratch at his arm. The pain helped sometimes. He knew that it was not a good coping mechanism, but still, he needed something. Spencer did not make himself bleed. 

"Spencer, please, come out." 

Spencer had never heard his name said like that before. There was so much pain in the way it was said. There was a lot of emotion besides the pain in it as well. 

"Please," Hotch said again. 

"Just go away," Spencer said finally. He felt wrung out like he was going to just burst into tears at any moment. Spencer got up from the floor and turned on the water in the shower. The guest room in Hotch's house only had a stand-up shower stall, but Spencer didn't take many baths. He hadn't since he had to soak his knee in solutions to help it heal. Spencer liked showers. Spencer stepped inside and shut the door, making sure that it latched before he stepped under the spray. The water was hot, and it felt good. He tipped his face up into the spray and let it wash over his face, removing the tears before they even really formed on his eyes. Spencer wrapped his arms around himself. 

As a child, Spencer thought the world was vast and massive. As he grew up, he learned that it was small and cold and humorless. Right now it felt both small and vast. He felt like his personal world was narrowing around him while the rest of the world was just moving along on its own and didn't even notice that Spencer's world was wrecked. 

Knees giving out, Spencer let himself fall down. His knees cracked off of the tile below, but the physical pain was barely felt. He wrapped his arms around his body tighter, the warmth from the water not penetrating to him anymore. He felt like he was frozen. The world got a little colder, and then it stopped. Spencer wondered what it was until he felt the hand on him. He turned around to fight away from the way that the hand was trying to make him move. He tried to push away the hand even more, but his body wasn't working. 

It wasn't until he was tucked into the person with him, their bodies aligned in a weird way that Spencer took stock of how his body was. He thought he was crying, but it seemed that he was actually hyperventilating. No wonder the person with him was pulling him out of the direct spray of the water. Spencer could still feel the water soaking him, soaking his clothes because he just noticed that he still had them on. 

"Breathe with me, Spencer," Hotch said. His voice was soft and gentle, like the hand that was running through his hair. 

Spencer tried to breathe in and out like Hotch, but it felt like his clothes were restricting him. Spencer struggled to get his shirt off, and in the end, Hotch had to help him with it. Spencer shuddered as the cold air hit his wet skin before Hotch moved them to where the water was falling on his back again. Spencer looked at Hotch's face. Hotch had stripped down to his undershirt but was still in his pants. 

"Breathe with me," Hotch said again, laying a hand softly on Spencer's sternum but keeping the other in Spencer's hair. Spencer exhaled when Hotch did, even as the man pressed down on Spencer's skin below his sternum. He inhaled when the pressure let up. Within three full breaths, Spencer was calming down. 

Though that caused Spencer to start crying again. Hotch used the hand on his head to pull him into where he was laying with his face pressed into his neck. The water stopped flowing, and Spencer realized that Hotch turned off the water. Spencer made a very unhappy noise but didn't do anything else. There was little for Spencer to do but to lay there and wait to see what Hotch did. 

Time passed, but Spencer didn't know how long he just laid there, breathing in the scent of Hotch while trying to push his mind to help him think. It was like his brain was broken. He knew that it was too much. It was too much too soon, too much too quick, just too much everything. Hotch finally started to move, lifting Spencer with him. Spencer finally moved to freak out a little and wrap his arms around Hotch's neck to hold on. 

"Dad?" Jack asked. 

"Go and get that blanket that's on my bed, Jack." 

Spencer wanted to protest, but his whole body was shaking, and he didn't know what to do to get it to stop. Hotch moved away from him just a little, and there was the sound of the door shutting. 

"I need to get the wet clothes off of you, Spencer," Hotch said. 

Spencer nodded his head, or at least he thought that he did. Hotch started to work on the belt on Spencer's pants, and Spencer leaned back, realizing that Hotch had set him on the toilet. Spencer was little help as he was stripped naked. A fluffy towel was wrapped around his shoulders, and another was used to dry him off. There was a knock on the door. 

"Take it down to the couch and plug it in," Hotch called out. 

"Hotch?" Spencer croaked. 

"Shush, Spencer." 

"Why are you calling me, Spencer?" Spencer could count the number of times that Hotch had called him that on the one hand before today. Spencer lifted his head to where he could look Hotch in the face, and he looked away in the same instant because Hotch's eyes were...strange. That was the best term for it. Spencer couldn't take it. "Why can't you leave me alone?"

"Because if I leave you alone, you are going to crawl inside of yourself and you are going to close yourself off to everything. I know you, Spencer, and you don't like confrontation when it's truly personal." Hitch reached out and pulled up Spencer's face to where they were looking each other in the eye. "You were going to leave, and we've not talked about that. I don't want you to leave. Jack does not want you to leave. I think that in trying to give you space, you've been feeling bad for yourself. I won't stop you if you really want to leave. Do you?"

Spencer tried to escape the gaze that Hotch was forcing on him, but he couldn't. He couldn't escape it at all. 

"No," Spencer said. 

"Then you aren't going anywhere. It's good that John texted me about how you were planning to leave, under escort but still." 

"Dad, the blanket is warm," Jack said from outside the door. 

"Thank you, Jack. Why don't you get some water into the kettle, and once I get Spencer settled on the couch, I'll make us all some cocoa." 

"Okay," Jack answered. 

Spencer was still just staring at Hotch's face. The love for his son was written all over his face. He looked at Spencer, and there was something else there as well. Spencer felt his stomach drop to the floor. Hotch helped Spencer stand up, and Spencer saw a pile of clothes on the corner of the counter by the sink. Hotch reached back and grabbed the long-sleeved shirt that had been in Spencer's dresser. It was his warm, sleeping clothes. Hotch dropped to his knees after he got the top on Spencer to help Spencer get the sleeping pants on. There was no underwear. Spencer started to turn to leave, but Hotch's hand on his hip stopped him. Spencer looked back at him. Spencer didn't know what he wanted. He didn't understand a lot of things. 

"I did not realize that Jack thought that you and I were dating before. I did not realize that he thought that we were heading toward that again. He was so very upset with me when we went into hiding, but up until an hour ago, I didn't understand why. Let me just say that my eyes got open to what Jack thinks about my life and how stupid I have been with it. When I got home, you looked at me. I'm not even sure that you realized that you did, but you looked at me with such a look of longing and love that I was a little taken aback by it. I thought that I was the only one who was feeling anything. I think I was forcing myself not to do anything stupid that I didn't see what was right in front of my face." Hotch reached up and brushed his knuckles down the side of Spencer's face. Spencer swallowed at the intimate touch. "I don't want to not act like there is nothing going on, but right now, you are feeling trapped. You are not yourself fully, so I don't want to start anything but Spencer I promise the day that this is all done, we are going to talk about this. We are going to go on a date. If you still want me, that is."

"Yes," Spencer said. 

"Good." Hotch smiled at him. He took a step toward Spencer but stopped when there was a squelching noise. "I think that maybe I need to change and dry off. I'll join you downstairs. Do you want dark, white, or milk hot chocolate?"

"Hmm, dark." Spencer swallowed to try and get his voice to work right. "You really want a relationship?"

"It wasn't until I didn't have you in my life like you were before that I realized that I was in love with you, Spencer. You were gone, and there was no getting you back. So I stayed on the sides then you started to reach out again. We started to be friends again, and I promised myself that having that was better than having nothing at all. So, yes, I want a relationship. I want everything in the world with you." 

"I love you too," Spencer said, and it was all that he could get out. Hotch smiled at him and ushered him out of the bedroom. Jack was in the living room and all but pushed Spencer down onto the couch with a pair of fluffy socks, mismatching in his hand. Spencer put them on and got under the blanket. It was a heated blanket and it kind of felt really good. Jack tucked himself into Spencer's side and didn't move, even when Hotch came down the stairs. The TV was on a random science show about the pyramids in Egypt. The smell of really good hot chocolate filled the room and then seconds later Hotch was setting down a tray with three mugs of it. There was whipped cream on top and then liquid chocolate on top of that. Hotch handed Spencer one and then Jack before he looked at the couch. There wasn't room for him at the moment, but Spencer wanted him there. Even if Hotch was speaking the truth, there was a part of Spencer that was not going to believe him until actions were made. Spencer wiggled his legs, and Jack sat up, moving down. Spencer sat up as well and looked down at the now empty spot that was just big enough for Hotch to drop into if he didn't care about having to touch Spencer. Hotch picked up the third mug and settled it down onto the end table before he sat down. Hotch turned, hitting Spencer in the back with his knee, but it was worth it when Hotch pulled him back to where his back was against Hotch's front. Hotch wrapped an arm around Spencer's waist and held him close, using his free hand for his hot chocolate. Spencer was warm, and not all of it had to do with the blanket that was on him. Jack was cuddled at his feet, something that he knew the boy didn't often do, Hotch talked about how he was getting less touchy as he got older, which was to be expected. 

There was going to have to be a lot of talking between Hotch and Spencer before anything more came of all of this. Spencer knew and understood why Hotch wanted to wait for everything to be over. There were statistics about relationships started in times of intense emotions. Spencer didn't want to be one of those statistics. Spencer didn't want to lose the friendship that he and Hotch had built back up. 

The program on the television turned to something that Spencer wasn't interested, so he leaned forward to grab the remote, and he found the BBC channel, and it was showing Planet Earth. Spencer made a pleased noise as he settled back into Hotch's body. Hotch's arm came around his waist again, but this time Spencer felt skin on skin. Spencer gasped, and the hand on his stomach stilled. 

"Sorry," Hotch said, and he started to move it away. Spencer dropped the remote and laid his hand over Hotch's. He pressed it back. 

"No, it's fine. I just wasn't expecting it." 

Jack slid off the couch and looked at the two of them with a smile on his face before he took off toward the second floor. 

"What did you tell him?"

"The truth that we were just friends the first time and we are just getting back to being really good friends again. That we need to talk more before anything else happens. So expect him to leave us alone a lot because he knows that even with his age, adult conversations happen when he is not around. You feel warm, finally."

"I'm overwhelmed."

"And rightfully so you went from me and Jack abandoning you to your mother and her death to being targeted by a serial killer and him being killed in your building where he tried to either kill you to take you to Jack and me coming back to someone else targeting you and trying to frame you for murder. I would say that it's one of those things where the writer has tried to cram too much into a story, but this is your life, and it's happening. There isn't anything to do but roll with the punches, but sometimes a few punches land a little hard."

"Garcia told me that I was the universe's whump toy. I did not ask her what that meant, and I don't think that I want to know as it doesn't sound healthy at all." Spencer looked down at his hot chocolate to take another sip of it. He had drunk about half so far. The whipped cream was mostly gone, or sunk down into the drink itself. He swirled it a little before downing what was left. Hotch relaxed his arm as Spencer leaned forward to set his cup down. When he leaned back into Hotch, he stretched a little. The warmth of the blanket was making him want to go to sleep. He had been sleeping like shit since he had woke up with a dead body. 

The clink of Hotch setting down his mug on the end table sounded through the room as Spencer yawned. He tried to hold in the second that followed right after but he couldn't. 

"Why don't you lay down?" Hotch patted the one thigh that was not being covered by Spencer's body. 

"Are you sure?"

"I wouldn't offer if I wasn't, Spencer."

"Okay, Hotch." Spencer pushed himself down the couch to where he could lay his head on Hotch's thigh. He made sure that he could see the TV, though. His glasses kind of pushed into his face but he didn't care. Hotch pulled the blanket up until it was at his chin and then that hand was threading through his mostly dry hair. It was going to stand up on its ends tomorrow, but he had the things to tame it. It wasn't long until Spencer was nearly asleep. 

"Dinner?" Spencer asked as his brain thought out the tacos that Hotch had been making.

"I hadn't actually got too far with the actual meat other than browning it so it can just sit at room temperature until you wake up and then I can finish it up. Jack and I can eat a snack, and then when you wake up, we can do tacos."

"Love your tacos," Spencer said, his eyes losing the battle to stay open. 

"I know you do. Sleep, Spencer."

"Love you too." Spencer wanted to take the words back, but the fingers in his hair scratched at his head a little. 

"I love you, too," Hotch said back to him, and that put Spencer the rest of the way to sleep. 


	9. A Morning in the Life

Spencer started to roll over in bed so that he could get up for the day. He found though that he was trapped. Spencer felt something at his back, and it even wrapped around the front of his stomach. Spencer inhaled and was ready to freak out when whatever was behind him moved and made a noise. From years of sharing hotel rooms, Spencer knew Hotch's slight snore. Spencer felt his heart stop racing. He opened his eyes, and the room was blurry, but he could make out that he was in his room at Hotch's house. Spencer tried to remember what had happened that put Hotch in his bed, but he was very blurry memory wise. Spencer couldn't feel skin at any point of their touching, so they were both in clothes. Spencer knew that he was, and he assumed that Hotch was as well. That meant no sex, which was good because Spencer wasn't all there mentally. He had been seeing a Bureau approved therapist for his issues and going to his Beltway Clean Cops meetings with John every week that they were in town. He was feeling a lot better, a lot less depressed but still nowhere near where he wanted to be to start a relationship that was going to mean anything to him. 

Hotch moved at his back again, Spencer stayed still because this was actually kind of nice. It had been a long time since Spencer had slept in the same bed as anyone but JJ. JJ liked to be cuddled sometimes and with the ups and downs over the years for them both personally, sometimes just being held by someone who understood was nice. Spencer breathed shallowly like he had learned he did while he slept and made sure that Hotch wasn't awake. 

When Hotch did nothing more, Spencer relaxed. He was a little uneasy but not a lot. Spencer took stock of his body as he blearily tried to make out the time on the clock on the nightstand. It was just after six. Spencer wondered when he had fallen asleep because he remembered sitting his bed reading a book that had come for him in the mail. Hotch had just smiled when Spencer came home to find a package on the table for him. Spencer had opened it up, but the book was not one that he had heard of. Still, he opened the cover to read the blurb on the inside panel of the dust jacket. He kind of hated that after that, he wasn't allowed to read because the novel sounded really interesting. Hotch though had made him leave it until after dinner. That all on its own wasn't a hardship, not at all. Instead, he just focused on Hotch and on Jack. 

Jack had calmed down a lot in the last few weeks. He had learned that no one was going to take Spencer away, and while the relationship had not been what he thought it was, it was no moving toward that. Jack was loving and attentive with both of them and that kind of shocked Spencer. 

Neither Jack or Hotch were acting all that different, but it was looking through it with new eyes, fresh eyes that weren't depressed because of his life. Instead of feeling like a child, Spencer felt loved, which that of itself was a strange feeling for him. Spencer hadn't ever felt like this before. Not outside of his mother, and that feeling was confusing inside of him after the ups and downs with her medical issues.

"Too early for thinking," Hotch said into Spencer's neck, his breath ghosting over Spencer's flesh making him shiver. 

Spencer stilled because that shiver had him realizing that Hotch was hard. Spencer knew the biological cause of what was called morning wood, but to feel it on someone else was strange. To feel it pressed into his ass was strange. He tried to act normal, but he wasn't sure precisely what normal was for having a person in the bed that hadn't been when he had gone to sleep the night before and waking up with them and their erection. 

"Spencer?" Hotch asked. He didn't sound worried, just a little inquisitive. 

"Too early for my brain to function right," Spencer said, trying to pass everything off. 

"It was functioning just fine to wake me up because you were thinking too hard. Why are you?"

"I went to sleep alone and woke up with someone in my bed," Spencer said. 

Hotch tried to remove his arm, but Spencer laid his hand over it. 

"You had a nightmare. I came in to comfort you before you started to scream. You only settled down when I was holding you, I couldn't get you to wake up without resorting to pain, so I laid down with you. I didn't mean to fall asleep in here."

"I don't mind now that I am awake enough and it didn't take long for me to figure out that it was you. You make a little snoring noise when you are fighting waking up."

"No one has ever told me that. Is it annoying?"

Spencer thought about it. "No. It's kind of cute. It's like you are a little kid fighting waking up."

"I don't think I've ever done anything that's been considered cute before," Hotch said. He nuzzled in at the back of Spencer's head, his arm tightening around Spencer's stomach. Under the blankets, it was warm, and Spencer wanted to get up and start the day, but he also didn't. It was a down day. It was Friday, and there was no work. Everyone had rushed to get the files from the case done as well as anything that was left from while they were gone and Hotch had given them a three day weekend. For Hotch and Spencer that meant a day alone with no Jack and nowhere to be. It was the first time it had happened since feelings had been discussed. 

"Well, to me, it's cute. I guess it could be disgusting to someone else."

"I'll get up and get Jack ready for school. Jessica is going to run him because she has something to do out and about today, but we will have to go and get him. How about I cook us breakfast when he's gone?" Hotch asked. 

"I can cook," Spencer protested. He had cooked dinner the night before. He had done pretty good he thought on the sweet and sour pork that his mother used to make for him. He had adapted it to make it a little spicy as well because all three of them liked spice in their food. 

Hotch laughed at Spencer's back and wrapped his arm around him just a little tighter. It rolled them to where Spencer was kind of at an angle with Hotch's weight on him a little. It was kind of pleasant feeling. Spencer had thought that sharing a bed with someone new was going to be weird, but it seemed like so far things were okay. He had not woke up at all it with Hotch in bed with him. 

"I'm going to go on my run. I'll come back and shower and then get Jack up."

"I can do that," Spencer offered. He wanted Hotch to know that he treasured Jack. Spencer knew that Beth had liked Jack and still it hadn't allowed their relationship to last. Spencer wanted this to last. He wanted it to be forever and that kind of scared him because he had never thought that he was the settling down type at all. Hotch was, and the yearning that Spencer had for that was deep inside of him. 

"You don't have to," Hotch said. 

"I know that I don't have to, but I want to. I enjoy him." Spencer knew that it wasn't the best wording in the world, but it was close to what he wanted to say. He wasn't the most eloquent since he didn't have any caffeine in him. He had stopped drinking coffee because it had been making him jumpy the past few weeks. It was the waiting around, the waiting for the next move to be made and even with Hotch there to help settle him, it wasn't working. Hence the nightmares every single night. Spencer rolled over, and he didn't look at Hotch's face but instead just laid there for a few seconds before he rubbed his face into Hotch's chest. Hotch's hand moved from his lower back to the back of his head, it settled there rubbing like it was a comfort and it was. Hotch had always been a source of comfort for him, and really it wasn't any shock that he had fallen for someone who made him feel safe. 

"I'm thrilled that you enjoy him. Tell me how you feel the first time he wakes you up when you want to sleep in." There was mirth in Hotch's voice, and Spencer pushed at him a little in retaliation before drawing his hands up to where there were pressed between their chests. Hotch wiggled an arm under his head, and it tipped it to where when Spencer opened his eyes, he saw that Hotch was looking at him. "I want-"

Spencer waited for Hotch to continue, but he didn't. "What do you want?"

"A lot of things but many of them I know you are not ready for." Hotch let go of Spencer's head and pulled the arm out from under his head. Hotch propped his head on that hand while the other brushed over Spencer's bottom lip. Spencer felt that it was swollen. He hadn't noticed that he had been biting at it. "Can I have a kiss?"

"Yes," Spencer said. 

Hotch moved instantly, the hand moving from his lips to his neck and pulling him up to where Hotch could brush their lips together. With his lip so sensitive, Spencer could feel that more than usual. He couldn't help the gasp that escaped, and all that did was urge Hotch to do more. Hotch pressed their lips together for a few seconds before he rolled them a little. Spencer felt Hotch's erection press into his hip, and another gasp left his mouth, which was hushed a little by the addition of a tongue. Spencer didn't want him to stop because he had been dreaming of this for a long time and he wanted it, even if he wasn't ready for more. 

They made out on the bed until Hotch's watch beeped that it was time for him to get up for his run. Hotch pulled back, one arm bracing him up on the bed. Hotch leaned down again and pressed a kiss to Spencer's forehead before he pushed up and off the bed. He stayed right beside it and held out his hand to help Spencer up and off of it. Spencer reached out to him and let himself be pulled up by him. 

"We will have to pick that up another time," Hotch said with a fond smile on his face. 

"Yes," Spencer said. His voice sounded rough like he had been screaming instead of just making out. "I'll get tea started. What kind do you want this morning?" 

"Surprise me." Hotch pulled Spencer in for a quick press of lips before he left the room. 

Spencer looked down at his hard cock and debated what he was going to do about that until he thought that Hotch was going to take a run and there was no way he was going out with his cock hard, so he was probably going to jerk off. Spencer walked into the bathroom and locked the door. He looked at himself in the mirror and rubbed at his still slightly swollen bottom lip. The top had subsided, but both were still red. Spencer reached down and pulled his cock out of his sleeping pants. Outside of college, Spencer hadn't jacked off anywhere, but his own home in Vegas where he lived with his mother and his apartment in DC. It just wasn't something that Spencer did while on cases. 

There was a bottle of conditioner beside the sink, and Spencer used that to lube up his hand. It was better than nothing and would at least not foam and get sticky like soap. Spencer closed his eyes and imagined what had just happened in the room. Hotch on him, kissing him, only he allowed it to go further. He allowed his mind to wander to how it would have felt if Hotch had started to rock his erection into Spencer's body. How it would have felt if Hotch had not stopped at all. The feel of Hotch pressing him into the bed and taking what Spencer would have given him. Spencer came with a barely muffled cry, hand over his mouth while his other stroked his cock. Spencer started to run water, happy that his release had not gone too far. He did not want to have to clean the mirror. 

Spencer jumped when there was a knock on the door. 

"Yes?" Spencer called out. 

"I'm leaving to go run now. I'm going to lock and alarm the door when I leave." 

"Okay, be safe!" Spencer called out. The run was the only time that Spencer wasn't around Hotch during the day really. Hotch didn't make trips to the store like he had before, he forced Spencer to go with him just to get Spencer out of the house. It had helped with Spencer not feeling as trapped. 

After washing up a little and debating a shower or not, deciding not as he had showered at work late in the day before and didn't plan on doing anything that would make him sweaty today, he could get away with a shower tomorrow. Spencer went down to the kitchen to get a pot of tea going. Hotch had swapped with Spencer to tea for at least the time being. Hotch had gone out to a local tea shop that sold loose leaf tea and the like and had bought many kinds so that Spencer could find the ones that he liked. Spencer had spent a weekend trying them and decided on a few that they went out and bought a lot of. There were even herbal teas, which Spencer and the shop lady had got into a cultural debate about the usage of herbal tea vs. tisane. Hotch had just found a place to sit down while Spencer and the shop lady talked. It had been a good outing for Spencer. Opening the cabinet door, Spencer looked at the flavors that were there. He wanted black tea, his preference for the morning time. Jack liked it because it meant that he could drink some as well. Herbals were for at night, and Spencer drank white and green tea while at work. Spencer and Monty had bonded over it as it was the only thing that he drank. 

Spencer took his time with the water, and then he got lost in his head as he watched the tea brew in the large teapot that had been bought. It was heat-safe glass and allowed them to watch the tea as it brewed. Which the whole reason was some of the hand wrapped blooming teas Hotch had bought without Spencer knowing. Watching the tea unfurl had been an enjoyable time for all three of them. It was pure artistry in Spencer's mind. 

Feeling an arm wrap around his body, Spencer startled just a little bit, but he heard Hotch's laugh. 

"I guess you didn't hear me," Hotch said as he stepped just a little closer. He was sweaty but didn't stink. Spencer was just kind of glad he had not changed out of his sleep clothes. It felt good, though, to be wrapped in Hotch's arms. 

"No."

"What did you pick?"

"Chai. I'm just in the mood for it."

"Sounds good. A little milk and sugar in mine, please. I'll go up and shower."

"And I'll get Jack out of bed. I figured I would cut the whining a little and have the tea ready for him."

Hotch made a humming noise before he kissed Spencer on the cheek. He stepped back from Spencer and left the room. Spencer looked at the timer and saw that he only had a minute before needing to pull the leaves, so he waited to do that before heading up to wake up Jack. Jack was usually easy to wake up. Spencer never heard Hotch have an issue with him, but after one too many mornings of Spencer barely getting any sleep and then demanding coffee, Jack had started to do the same with tea. Spencer made all three of them a cup of tea and set them where they usually sat to eat breakfast before he headed up the stairs to wake up Jack. 

Jack, though, was already awake and nearly dressed for school. Jack still showered at night so that he could sleep a little longer in the mornings, so that was one thing he didn't have to do. Homework had been finished the day before Hotch and Spencer had got home, Spencer had even looked it over to check things. 

"Morning," Spencer said as he stepped into Jack's room. 

"Good morning," Jack said. 

"You got up early."

"I woke up early and went to talk to Dad but he was in your room, and you both were asleep, so I came back to my room and sat on the bed to read."

"Did you have a nightmare? You should have woke up your dad."

"No, no. I just wanted to ask a question about doing something this weekend, but you both were really asleep because you didn't hear the door squeak as it opened." Jack smiled up at Spencer. He grabbed his backpack and shouldered it before waiting for Spencer to turn around and leave. Spencer heard Jack's steps all the way behind him as they walked. The shower shut off just as they were getting to the bottom of the stairs. Spencer smiled as he thought about Hotch being naked and wet. 

Jack dropped down into the kitchen chair and picked up his tea. He took a sniff of the tea before a hesitant sip. Jack smiled. Chai was one of his favorite flavors. It was one of Spencer's as well. Hotch seemed to be fond of peach. That would be what Spencer made next. 

"So what are you doing in school today that is going to be fun?"

"Science. Instead of just a single period, we are going to spend the whole afternoon in science class. All of the afternoon classes are like that. We are doing an experiment that takes three hours from start to finish and can't be stopped once it's started. Dad will get an email with the link to the secure video so he can watch it. I wanted to make sure that the video was going to be watchable by parents since they were recording it. I am Miss Abigail's special helper through the whole thing because I got the best score on the last test."

"That sounds really fun. We will have to watch it together tonight."

"Cool," Jack said. He held out his cup for a refill. Spencer took it and added a little sugar and a splash of milk before filling it up with tea. Jack wasn't going to get more until he ate breakfast. 

Spencer found the travel mug that he used and filled it with his second cup of tea, adding a little more milk and sugar to it. He stirred it before sealing it up. Jessica would probably enjoy a warm cup of tea on the drive. 

"Hello, again," Hotch said as he pressed a kiss to Spencer's check. He already had a cup of tea in his hand and took a sip. "Perfect. Thank you."

"You are welcome."

"How does cereal for breakfast sound, Jack?" Hotch asked as he walked to the fridge to take out the milk. Jack rarely turned down cereal for breakfast during the week.

Spencer got down three bowls and set them on the table before walking to get the cereals they all preferred. Spencer turned after grabbing them, but Hotch was there taking Spencer's out of his hand. He placed it back in the cabinet. "But..."

"I said I was going to make us breakfast. Drink your tea and eat a cookie if you need something in your belly."

"I don't get to eat cookies for breakfast," Jack protested.

"Spencer is not a growing boy who needs good food if he wants to grow up tall."

Spencer cocked an eyebrow at that because he knew that good food had little to do with height unless it was severe undernourishment. Which would never be the case with Jack. 

"Rats," Jack said. 

Spencer set the box of cereal down on the table and looked at Hotch he opened his mouth to talk, but Hotch shoved a cookie in there. Spencer glared at him but ate it. Hotch set about grabbing things from the fridge. It looked like he was going to make something with eggs, bacon, and cheese. Spencer sat down at the table and pulled his legs to where his feet rested at the edge of the chair. His chin on his knees to watch. Hotch moved like he always did, it was smooth and with purpose. It was no different in his kitchen. 

When Jack was done eating, he rinsed his bowl out with hot water and set it in the drainer but left the spoon in the sink for a better washing. He gave Hotch a hug and then Spencer. 

"Oh, I have tea for Jessica," Spencer said. He started to get up, but Jack walked to the teapot and grabbed it. Just as Jack was turning, there was the honk from Jessica's car. She was ready to take Jack to school. 

"Have a good day!" Hotch yelled after Jack as the door slammed shut. There was another honk about two minutes later to tell them that they were actually leaving. 

"He's excited about the science experiment this afternoon. He wanted to talk to you about something but found you curled around me in my bed, so he left us alone and was reading in his room until time to get up."

"I'll make sure and talk to him about it tonight. Why don't you come over here with your tea?"

"Sure," Spencer said as he uncurled. He walked to where Hotch was warming up a pan and leaned against the counter. Spencer always felt it a little weird because Hotch did all of his prep on the left side, which wasn't odd given that he was mostly left handed but having nothing on the right side was weird. Hotch stepped over to stand in front of him. 

"Up," Hotch said. 

"Up?"

"Yes, up on the counter." Hotch helped Spencer sit on the counter and lean back against the cabinets before he went back to the pan. Spencer watched as he turned on the oven and then set a cookie sheet up on the counter. He sprayed that with a light coating of oil before cutting up some potatoes. 

"Potatoes, cheesy eggs, and bacon. How does that sound for breakfast?" Hotch asked. 

"That sounds really good, Hotch." Spencer's stomach growled it's agreeance. Hotch looked up at Spencer with a strange look on his face. Spencer wondered what he had done wrong in so little of time.

Hotch finished cutting and adding the potatoes to the pan before he put the lid on it and wiped his hands on the towel that he had draped over his shoulder. He picked up his tea and finished it off before refilling it with what was left. He didn't add anything to it at that time. 

"Do you think you'll ever think of me as Aaron instead of Hotch?" Hotch asked. He propped his hands on the counter on either side of Spencer's hips. 

"I-" Spencer swallowed. He had never thought about that. He knew that once they moved to more intimate things that calling him, Hotch wasn't going to be something that he did, but he hadn't thought about mentally at all. He hadn't thought a lot about what he was going to call him between work and home. "I hadn't thought about it?"

"That sounds like a question, Spencer." 

"I just..." Spencer huffed. He reached for his tea but found it empty. That made him pout. Hotch held up his and Spencer gladly took it. He would have to see about making the next pot soon. He needed more. Even though he had slept well the night before, he was dealing with too many other nights in a row where he didn't sleep well. "You haven't asked me to call you anything other than Hotch. Though I guess that I should have taken you calling me Spencer as a reason to, huh?"

"Maybe but then I forget that societal things are not your strong suit. Yes, I would like it when we are outside of work, I would like you to call me Aaron."

"Aaron," Spencer said, trying the name out. He looked at Aaron's face and saw that his eyes were a little dilated. They had not been before he had said the name out loud. Spencer laughed and leaned in to press their cheeks together. Aaron pulled Spencer into a hug and held him until the potatoes started to smell cooked. Hotch let go and tended to breakfast. 

Breakfast was fun and entertaining as they ate just like they were, Aaron standing up and Spencer sitting on the counter. Aaron even started the next pot of tea because he wanted to keep Spencer right where he was, it was easy access for kisses, which were plenty. It was a nice way for Spencer to get used to the new aspects of their relationship. Spencer was really glad of that. 

After breakfast, they both worked on a little light cleaning around the house. Aaron had a lady that came in once a week and did a deeper cleaning while he was at work, given being out of town for work and then at work a lot when he was home, Aaron gladly paid someone to clean up his place so he could enjoy more time with Jack. The dusting, though, and light vacuuming in the living room area was something that Aaron did when he was home, and things needed a little tending. 

Lunch was pizza that Spencer ordered in, and they ate it on the couch while watching random things on TV. 

Aaron's phone rang just as Spencer was finishing up his half of the pizza. Aaron was in the kitchen, getting them each another cup of tea.

"Get that would you?" Aaron yelled. 

Spencer picked up the phone. It was Aaron's work phone, and it was Alvez calling. "It's Alvez!" Spencer knew that Alvez was on an assignment for Spencer's case, but that was all that he had been told about it. It seemed that only Hotch knew where he was. 

"Reid here," Spencer said. 

"Reid? Where is Hotch? I need to talk to him." 

"He's coming from the kitchen. Just give him a moment." Spencer turned to start walking to the kitchen. He met Aaron halfway between the two rooms. Spencer was just pulling the phone from his ear when he heard a voice on the other end. 

"Just tell him I'm fine!" Jack said. 

Spencer felt his heart drop to the floor. Wherever Alvez was, Jack was there. Alvez was working on Spencer's case. Whoever was after him, his money was still on Cat Adams, had gone after Jack. Spencer felt his knees give out, and he didn't try and stop his fall. 

"Spencer?" Aaron said. He reached out for Spencer, but Spencer jerked away from him. Spencer couldn't take that at the moment. He thrust the phone at Aaron, and when Aaron had a hold of it, he tried to get up. His legs wouldn't allow him. Hotch looked at the phone and then set it down. He pressed a button on it, speaking, "Alvez, what happened?"

"You were right, Hotch. Lindsay Vaughn came after Jack." 

Spencer shut off his mind then. He didn't want to hear any more. He had just got happy again. He had just got Aaron and now...

Aaron wasn't going to want anything to do with him.


	10. Botched Attempt

The sounds around him were the first thing that trickled through Spencer's mind. He didn't move at all and just waited for the sound to actually make sense. He could hear voices talking, but he wasn't sure why one of them sounded off. The pain came next, so he shut that off again. He went back to his world, where everything was fun. Back to Caltech where he was lost in his papers, in his research, in doing everything he could to make himself invisible to the world around him. He tried to stay there, but the voices kept calling him back. No matter how many times he tried to go away, he always drifted back.

Spencer was afraid because he had never had that issue before. He could live in his mind for hours, for days. He had done that once when his mother had gone on a long trip through never believing that Spencer was Spencer, so he found a closet and locked himself into it. He would drink when he was thirsty but other than that Spencer had been in that closet for days. He came out once a night to use the bathroom and sneak a little food, but even those memories were hazy. Like he hadn't quite fully come out of it.

"I don't know!" a voice yelled.

"Dad!" another voice said softer, gentler like it was chastising the one that yelled.

"I'm sorry, Jack, but I don't know where Spencer is. I got up to go and check the doors and windows on the ground floor and then the second floor, and then when I came back, he was gone."

"Hotch," another voice said, this one female. "Did he leave the house?"

"I don't think so. I didn't hear the beep of the alarm being turned off, and it was still on when I came back down."

"Then he's hiding somewhere," another female voice said.

"What?"

"Spencer told me about how he used to go away in his mind; he would find a safe place to go and then just disassociate from life. From what I can understand, he's not done it in years. What changed? What made him do it this time?"

"We don't know that is what he did," the first voice said, calmer.

"Walk us through it, Hotch."

"He nearly dropped the phone as he was handing it to me. His legs gave out. I checked him, and he didn't respond. He seemed to try and get up like he was trying to run, but his legs wouldn't work. I had to secure the house as Alvez was bringing Jack back here while the FBI escorted Vaughn to Quantico. I came back, and he was gone."

"And you didn't hear him on the steps?"

"The front steps make creaking sounds but the steps that lead up in the back of the house don't. Spencer uses them more than anything else."

"So he's somewhere in the house, hiding. The kid's good at hiding from what I'm to understand."

"Let's just each take a room. Let's start the top with someone watching both sets of stairs while we look. When we can block the stairs and check the ground floor."

"I'll stay down here," the kid sounding voice said.

Spencer wrapped his arms around his body tighter. He knew that he should get up and tell them that he was fine. He just wanted to go to where he was safe, safe from violence, safe from emotions, safe from the pain of losing a family he had just started to build. He wanted to run. To just take off and not stop until all he could think about was running. Until every single bad memory was gone from his head.

There was a creaking sound and then nothing. Spencer ignored it because it was probably the stairs that the one voice talked about. Then there was a body cuddling into his side. It was small, smaller than him by a lot. Spencer didn't move. He tried not to breathe.

"I found you," the voice said.

Spencer didn't want to answer. If he didn't, usually people went away.

"Spencer, please answer me."

Spencer said nothing. He was about to try to go away again when he heard the sound of a door opening. Light flashed a little at the edge of Spencer's vision, and he closed his eyes.

"Why didn't you say something, Jack?" that first voice asked.

"Because I wanted to talk to him first. It's not nice to force someone to do something they don't want to do unless it's for their life or health."

"Spencer," the first voice said again.

"Don't," Spencer croaked. He tried to make himself smaller and tried to visualize the doorway. The sound that the man was making told Spencer that he would have little luck running.

"Please, Spencer, look at me."

Spencer shook his head no. He heard a soft thud and then hands were on his arms, rubbing. He thought that the person sat down. He could get out easier as it would take the man a minute to get up. Spencer was about to move when a hand wiggled under his arm and wrapped around him.

"Okay, everyone," one of the other men said. "Let's go outside. I think that we need to give Aaron and Reid some time."

Aaron. That name sparked in Spencer's mind. The man who was across from him. The kid at his side was Jack. His almost family. Spencer couldn't hold in the sob that bubbled up his throat. Hands were touching him, pulling him in. He didn't even fight being pulled into Aaron's lap. Aaron's arms held him close to his body. It felt good. It felt right. Spencer made a keening noise, he was in pain but it wasn't a physical one, it was an emotional one.

"Please," Spencer begged, but it was the only word he could get out.

"I love you, Spencer," Aaron said in Spencer's ear. Spencer heard the wounded sound that he said in response to it. "I love you, and until you are asking me to let you leave, you are not leaving. I won't let you go."

"But-" Spencer swallowed around the lump in his throat.

"Jack's fine. She only got to grab his arm before Alvez was there, and Jack hit her in the breast."

"But-"

"Jack's always been a target in this. He and Henry were the most vulnerable. That was shown to us when Will was taken as a hostage, and Henry used against him. I knew that Jack was a target from the moment that I had you move in here with me. Alvez has been stationed there since then and watching for anyone who took an interest in Jack. He was safe."

"Hey, Spence," JJ said, but Spencer didn't turn toward her. Spencer kept his face buried right in Aaron's neck. His arms were pressed between his and Aaron's chest, but Spencer didn't feel like moving. He felt a hand in his hair and felt the nails; it was JJ's hand. "You remember how you told me that they wanted you to take some mood stabilizers until all of this was over? Low-grade depression medication. You had the bottle upstairs, but I think maybe it's time that you took it."

"I'm not going to leave your side until this is over, Spencer. Will and Alvez are going to stay here along with a tactical team to watch over Henry, Michael, and Jack. We are all going into Quantico with Garrett's team as they just landed. Something has come up over the past hour, and Garcia just got a hold of me about it."

"I don't want to take it, but I will."

"JJ, get him a bottle of water and something to snack on."

"I saw the bars that he likes in the kitchen. I'll get him a few of those to take with us."

"You aren't weak, and you just need help. You've had too much happen to you in a short time, Spencer. You need help to stop from freaking out like this again."

"I'll probably do that again anyway. You love Jack so much, and I was afraid that because of Lindsay Vaughn going after him, you would force me to go away."

"This job had someone going after Jack, and yes, it's damned close to Peter Lewis, but it's nothing on you."

Aaron leaned back enough to where Spencer could get his hands out. JJ was there with a bottle of water and the bottle of pills from his bedroom. JJ handed the pills over first. Spencer's hands were shaking, so Aaron took it from him and held it to where Spencer could read the words on the bottle to tell him how many to take.

"Just one," Spencer said.

Aaron narrowed his eyes.

"I've never taken this form of pill before, and the side-effects can be sudden and very acute. The doctor wanted me to take a half dose for the first three days and then up it to full dose."

"Ah, I do remember that now." Aaron shook out a single pill into his hand.

JJ opened the water bottle and handed it over. Spencer took a drink to get his mouth wet and then picked up the pill and tossed it into the back of his throat before drinking the rest of the water in the bottle.

"Okay?" Aaron asked.

"Yeah." Spencer looked at JJ, and he saw worry. A worry for him. Spencer gave her a smile, and she smiled back.

"I'll leave you three. I'll go ahead and round up the others, and we can head to Quantico. The second tactical team is going to ride in the car with you guys," JJ said as she stood up.

"Okay, good. We will leave as soon as Will and Henry get here."

Spencer didn't fight the hand that pulled him back to rest his head on Aaron's shoulder. He could feel Jack still tucked in close to his side, and he moved his arm to where it was draped over the boy.

"Spencer, you would have to hit Jack outright or abuse him in some other way like that for me to ever, ever make you leave. I mean that. This isn't some lark for me. We want you here now and forever."

"We?" Spencer questioned, and he looked down at Jack. Jack just nodded.

"Jack and I talked about when we should ask you just to stay. This just kind of upped the time we were going to ask. Even if you stay in the guest room, I'll be happy as long as you stay, Spencer."

"I haven't made you want a break of me yet? Even with this?" Spencer said his hand that wasn't wrapped around Jack waved to the closet that he had been hiding in.

"No. I knew the damage to you; I think long before you really figured out the damage it had actually caused. Every single person in your life that you have ever trusted has left you. Morgan is the only one to stick around for a long time. In a way, I left as well. Twice. I know that the first was both of us, but I knew Spencer that you were not going to reach out. I knew it, and still, I didn't reach out. I was better off thinking that you just didn't want me anymore. I trusted that Dave would give you the letter the second time, but he made his own decision on that, and I couldn't help that, but I still feel bad for it because no matter what a letter is better than nothing. I knew that you wouldn't hold it against me, but I still left. You are going to be skittish, especially with everything that is going on at the moment. You've had your hand slapped too much when you reach out for what you want, and I can't blame you for protecting yourself. You've learned that you have to take care of yourself and with time, I'm going to show you that I want to help, that I want you to lean on me."

"So, Spencer, are you going to stay?" Jack asked.

Spencer looked at Aaron, and the look on Aaron's face was so earnest. Spencer nodded his head in agreement with Aaron and Jack's want for him to move in. More technically, he was just going to never move out.

"As soon as I'm not under protective custody anymore, Aaron, we are going to discuss bills."

"I already have all of my bills come out of a separate bank account. Jessica has access to it so that she can cover things that happen on accident. I keep enough for major accidents and breakage in there. We can set it up to where you transfer half money for the utilities. I bought the house outright, so I won't take money on that. We can figure out how much the house insurance goes up once we tack on the extra things that you will be bringing like your books you can pay that."

"Thought about this, have you?" Spencer asked.

"Yes. I knew that the best way to get you to move in would be to make sure that everything was logical and already laid out. You don't do anything without thinking it through, so I made sure that I had an answer to any question that I thought you could come up with."

"You have always tried to think ahead, especially when it comes to me." Spencer smiled at Aaron and didn't fight it when Aaron pulled him in for a kiss. Spencer took the comfort of it and reveled in the pleasure that it gave him. The sound of several car doors slamming told Spencer that the second tactical team was there with Will, Henry, and Michael.

"I have always tried to make sure that any argument that I bring to you has enough information for me to win."

There was a knock on the door, and Spencer slid off of his lap so that he could let them in. Jack scooted into the lap that was made by Spencer, dropping his legs down.

"What was that you took?" Jack asked.

"Sometimes when someone is going through a troublesome time their brain doesn't make the correct chemicals or enough to make the brain function correctly. So doctors prescribe pills that help. This will help me get better quicker and help me have a better quality of life while I am getting better."

"So, you aren't sick?"

"Not like sick and going to die but sick as in my body isn't functioning the way that it should be. So the pills help with that."

"Okay."

The door opened, and Spencer stood up, carrying Jack in his arms. Jack was big, but Spencer didn't really want to put him down. Spencer recognized all of the team, and he was grateful for that. He nodded at them and then Henry ran at Spencer. He wrapped his arms around Spencer's legs and hugged him tightly.

"Are you staying?" Henry asked.

"No. I have to go to work. You'll stay here and help keep Jack company. I want you to be good for your father and help with Michael, can you do that like a big boy?"

"I can. I'll help a lot."

"Good." Spencer set Jack down and looked at him. Jack wrapped his arms around Spencer's waist and gave him a hug. Spencer ruffled Jack's hair and then did the same to Henry.

"Let's go," Aaron said. He held out Spencer's bag and his gun. Spencer took the gun and put that on first before slinging the bag over his shoulder. He looked around the living room before following Aaron to the door.

Spencer knew that the feeling of the pills was not actually there, there was no way that they were working yet. It was the very definition of the placebo effect, but he would take it. Spencer was not allowed in the room with Vaughn. No one's interrogation of her was giving them anything. It had been hours. Spencer looked at Aaron, who was standing at the side, but he had spent the time on his phone instead of watching the interrogation.

"What's going on?" Spencer asked as he stepped closer to Aaron. He knew that they could not do anything at work, but Aaron looked up at him, and his eyes were very upset. Aaron reached up and clasped his shoulder.

"There is something that I need to talk to you about. Morgan just got here. Pull Dave from the room and then head to my office. Garcia, in her digging, has found out a few things. One of them is very, very personal to you, but I can't keep it from the team as it has an impact on this case. So you have a choice. I can tell you in person and have Morgan sit with you after, or I can tell everyone, including Morgan in the round table room."

"Personal as in my father is dead by Lindsay Vaughn's hands or personal as in Cat Adams did something worse than what she has already done to my life."

"The second."

"Will I take it any better alone?"

"No."

"Then, tell everyone at the same time." Spencer tried to figure out what Cat could have done. She was in prison. She was there, and there wasn't a lot that she could do. Not personally.

Aaron stepped close and kissed Spencer on the cheek. While there were no rules regarding relationships, when said relationship was not something that was being forced on one party, the FBI didn't care what happened as long as it didn't happen at work. Spencer could understand that. Their team had a little more leeway on that as in, nothing happened while on base. During cases, there was no true downtime, so that was hard to enforce. Though Aaron had done little more than them eating dinner together without the rest of the team. Spencer thought that part of that though was just the fact that Aaron didn't want to overwhelm Spencer.

"Aaron," Spencer said as Aaron got to the door. "That therapist you were talking about? The one that worked with you after Foyet killed Haley? You think you could give me his number?"

"Yeah, I've got it at my desk."

"Good." Spencer turned back to look at Rossi. While the work mandated sessions with a psychologist was going well, Spencer felt like he needed more. Maybe even just a few sessions with him would help him stop feeling like he was not in control of his life. He knew right now that there were aspects of his life that he did not have full control over but the rest he did. He knew he was depressed, given everything that had happened to him in a short time; it was no wonder. Spencer just hoped that everything settled down soon.

Spencer opened the door, looking directly at Rossi and ignoring Vaughn altogether.

"Hotch wants us in the round table room," Spencer said.

"You got it." Rossi stood up from the table and looked at Vaughn for a second before turning around and leaving. Spencer held open the door and then shut it when Rossi was through the doorway. "What's this about?"

"Something to do with Garcia, something that she found that has to do with me. Aaron called in Morgan to help manage me after I've been told."

"Damn."

Spencer didn't say anything as they walked to the round table room. Everyone was already there, including Morgan. Morgan looked confused, so Spencer was happy about that. It meant that Aaron had not told him first. Spencer saw that there was a seat between Aaron and Morgan and then Morgan and JJ. Spencer debated for a few seconds which one he wanted to sit in and decided that the one by Aaron was better.

"Garcia has been looking into Cat Adams since it was confirmed that she and Vaughn have been in contact. Garrett's team gladly handed over the case to us once it was pretty well confirmed who we were dealing with. In her search, Garcia has found that Cat Adams is pregnant. According to the file on the pregnancy, she was given a sperm sample by a friend, and she used it to make herself pregnant. She has even given the name of the supposed father. The prison system wasn't going to do anything about it until I pushed. Adams will be going and will be giving a sample for DNA testing to compare it to the named father as well as every single male that has been in contact with her since she was locked up. Or at least around the time that she was made pregnant."

"The viability of doing that by herself, in the prison system without the doctor being in on it is slim. Sperm just doesn't do well unless it's in a controlled environment. Turkey baster pregnancies are easier at home but in prison? Getting it through security. Impossible with the tank needed to keep it viable. The prison doctor or one of the nurses had to be in on it." Spencer's mind was racing with ways that she could have done it. "Or a guard if the guard kept the tank safe and then used it when it was easier. There is a large variance in times that the tanks are good for depending on brand, seal, and size. 

"That's what I thought, and Garcia confirmed it," Aaron said.

"So who is the father that Cat Adams has named."

"It's obvious that it's me," Spencer said before Aaron could answer.

"Yes."

"There is every chance that they could have stimulated me enough while I was drugged using a device for me to ejaculate. I am still seriously doubting that it actually happened, though because getting it from there to the prison would be next to impossible."

"Agreed but we still have to rule it out," Aaron said.

"She tried to take Jack, knowing that I would have retaliated in some way, gone to see her or something and then she would have dropped the bomb and tried to get me to live some fucking fantasy with her." Spencer thought everything through from the moment that Jack would have been taken all the way back. "If I had brought mom here like I wanted, brought her into my apartment, I would have had a nurse there. Mom would have been easier to take than Jack."

Spencer felt a hand on his back, and it was coming from Morgan's side, so he allowed that hand to tip him over into Morgan's arms.

"She's crazy," Spencer said as he slumped into Morgan's arms. "And I have never used that term lightly. Psychologically I know why UnSubs focus on us, and I get it, I do. It's like Foyet targeting Aaron because Aaron was the one to suss him out. Peter Lewis focused on Aaron because Aaron was the one to get there and confront him. I was the one smart enough to figure out Cat's plan. I was the one across the table from her the whole time. Why the fuck would anyone do this?"

"Because people don't care who they hurt," Morgan said. He tightened his arms around Spencer, and Spencer just endured it.

"What does this tell us about her behavior?" Aaron asked, focusing the team on Cat.

Spencer was there, watching through the glass but this time, he had no intention at all on letting Cat Adam's see him. He wanted nothing to do with her.

"He's going to come to me you know," Cat said with a grin on her face.

"Really? You are in prison, and he's not. Why would he want anything to do with you?" Aaron asked.

"Because I have something that he wants more than life itself," Cat said as she leaned back and patted her stomach.

"Do you remember a week ago? The doctor said that you passed out because of morning sickness? She also said that you had to have a few tests done."

"Yes," Cat said.

"You were actually, safely for the baby, drugged. One of those tests was a DNA test on the child. The guard who fathered it, he's in custody now. I obtained a warrant for the DNA because the only way that you would have actually got a sample of Agent Reid's DNA was when he was drugged, so that would have made it rape. Given that you are a prisoner, your consent was not needed and until it had come through, I made the case that you would do something stupid if you knew that the DNA was being tested like threaten to kill yourself. I made an excellent case and even had a gag order placed on your lawyer. So Cat Adams, what's your play now?"

"I can give him a family."

"I've already given him a family. A child who loves him and that he loves. You tried to take that kid, remember?" 

"Like your ex-wife would ever let that happen."

"The only person whose opinions matter in this have already said their piece. His aunt, by the way, is quite happy with my choice of lover. Jack's grades have improved, his knowledge has improved, and I'm happier. Really that's all that matters."

"He's going to tire of you," Cat said.

"Why? Because I don't have his IQ? I'm no slouch myself. My parents didn't care enough to have me tested, and I didn't care enough after I was an adult, but I did graduate high school and obtained a law degree and the equivalency of a Ph.D. in law before most people would. I rose through the S.W.A.T. ranks quickly and then through the BAU just as fast. I have more to offer him than you ever could, Miss Adams. One of which is a stable home life. We have enough chaos in our work life that he wants calm and cool when he's home."

"Where is he?" Cat demanded. She started to slam her hands on the table, and she was making such a racket that it hurt Spencer's ears.

Spencer didn't move at all. He had promised Aaron that he would stay on this side of the glass. That he wasn't going to give her what she wanted. Spencer wanted to go in there. He wanted to confront her. Spencer wanted to pick her up and shove her into the wall and demand that she leave him alone, but he knew that it wouldn't do any good. Spencer turned to Rossi, who was the only person with them at the prison. JJ was too upset that Spencer was sure that both she and Prentiss would have ripped off Cat's head while Garcia was just a no. Alvez was talking with the warden of the prison and getting what they fully needed to actually get Cat brought up on more charges.

Lindsay Vaughn was going to be tried for a lot of things, all of which were going to stick. The only good thing about it was all that Spencer was going to be there testifying, and he was pretty damned sure that her father would come forward for it as well. Spencer still hated the man for doing what his daughter talked him into and killed those boys. He was never going to face trial for that, but Spencer wondered if the people after him would make an appearance. Spencer hated that he thought that, but he knew that he had to own up to his emotions. Just like he had to embrace what he had left in his life to be happy, he had to stop trying to make it seem like he was perfect. He had emotions, but it was the not acting on them that made him a good person, not the fact that he didn't think dark things.

"He's not here, Cat. He's with my son, and his two Godsons at home playing. He's where he is safe from you."

"No, I don't believe that. He's out there listening." Cat looked at the mirror and grinned at it, trying to look as good as she could given the fact she was handcuffed and chained to the table in prison garb.

Aaron stood up from the table and produced a set of keys. Cat looked shocked as he unlocked the chain from the table. He walked to the door and opened it up. Looking at Spencer for a second before looking back at Cat. "It's just Agent Rossi in here. Would you like to see?"

"No. He'll have gone out into the hall. I know how you profilers work."

"Reid's a profiler too. Whatever you think you saw; he didn't feel that." Aaron walked back over to the table and sat down. When Cat reached over the table to try and grab his hand, he twisted them, and when he pulled back, he had her cuffed to the table again. Cat was glaring at him.

"That must be some interesting sex if you call him Reid in bed."

"My relationship with Reid is not something that usually comes up during work hours. We have both agreed that while we are at work, we will call either out the standard names that we have for years. I don't expect you to understand, but that's our life, and you have no impact on it."

"I have no impact on it?" Cat's glare was enough that probably killed lesser men, but Aaron was no lesser man, especially not to her.

"A few months and you'll be like every single UnSub that we had put in jail. You'll be a passing note after your sentencing. By the way, I'm going to make sure that you are on limited interaction with people: isolation and no yard time with other inmates. Your child will be born, if you don't opt to have it aborted, and it will go to foster care unless the father's family steps up. He's married with children by the way. His wife has been told why he's being arrested. You won't be getting out. This new trial you are going to be going through is only to make sure that you are kept in conditions that stop this from happening again."

"You are going to take what little dignity I have, aren't you?" Cat asked.

"Yes, yes, I am. You did the same to your victims. You tried to ruin the life of an outstanding agent who has worked his whole career to try and help victims. Because you wanted to take him down a notch. You wanted to see him thrown in jail and hated when he saw Vaughn and ruined your plans. But you know what? Making him do something in prison, a place he would never have gone on his own, making a situation where he would have actually had to do something to protect his life, that doesn't make him like you. That makes him a victim, a true victim. Even if he had gone to jail, even if he had been put into gen pop as you wanted, even if he had killed someone to save his own life, I still would have fought just as hard to get him out of jail. I still would have invited him back into my home, into my bed and loved him just the same. I would have loved the man you broke just as much as I do now. You saw a man that you wanted to break because you hate men. I see a man that I want to spend the rest of my life with despite everything that this world has done to try and break him."

Cat said nothing. She turned away from Aaron and looked at the wall. Aaron stood up after she didn't say anything after five minutes.

"You'll be returned to your cell soon, and the isolation will be starting tomorrow probably. You might even be moved to a new prison. So, this is your last visit with anyone that is not your lawyer for a long time. And if you are thinking of using your lawyer to try and get messages to Reid, know that he knows that he's not allowed. He's not to contact anyone in the FBI except for our Section Chief, and that's if you make more threats against any of us."

Cat still said nothing, so Aaron shut the door. He shook his head and pointed. Spencer nodded his head and waited for the door to be opened that allowed them into the halls. Spencer just stayed silent as they left, gathering their phones and their guns. Aaron had driven them to the prison, but as they got to the FBI SUV, Rossi stepped up to the driver's side front seat. He made a motion, and Aaron nodded. 

Spencer didn't even think about the fact that he was free. Free in a lot of ways until he got out of the SUV at Quantico. Rossi had not parked in the underground area that they usually did when Spencer was being transferred from car to building and back again. Spencer took a deep breath as he opened the door and let it go as he breathed fresh air. Rossi went into the building and didn't say a word, but Aaron got out of the front seat and came around to Spencer's side. 

"How do you feel?"

"I don't know. Ask me when it hits."

"I can do that. We have a lot of paperwork, and you are not clear yet. You might not be clear for a while." 

"I know. I'll be happy when that happens, but it will take as long as it does."

"Yes." Aaron smiled as he said the word though, and he reached out and brushed his knuckles down the side of Spencer's face. "Dinner out tonight. Me, you, and Jack."

"That sounds really good."

"I'm glad. My treat, you can get the next one."

"Sure," Spencer said. He smiled at Aaron, and it felt real, it felt good. It felt more real than anything had in a long time. 


	11. Life, Freedom, and Other Scary Things

The first time that Spencer stepped out of the BAU offices without a shadow, without one of the team or even a guard escorting him, he breathed so deep that he was sure he was going to faint before he exhaled. It felt good to be able to do what he wanted. The word had come down an hour before that he had been fully cleared of all charges, those charges had been wiped from his record as far as offenses go, but there was a notation about being framed in his personnel file. Cat Adams' network had been thoroughly broken down and in the end, nearly a quarter of the prison workers where she was and a tenth of a prison that Spencer would have gone to were let go and were on trial themselves. Not all of them had to do with Cat's framing job on Spencer, but it had just helped uncover more corruption of other levels inside of both prisons.

After the ruling that had come down that Spencer was safe to go about his daily life without restriction, Aaron had given him the rest of the day off. It had taken Spencer an hour to go through all of the work that he needed to do. Alvez had offered, so had JJ but Spencer just needed to finish it all for himself. Spencer had worked through lunch to get to the meeting and so the first thing that he wanted to do was eat.

"Hey," Aaron said behind him.

Spencer turned to look at him. "Hey," Spencer said back to him.

Aaron stepped close and cupped his cheeks before kissing him. "You didn't say goodbye. You dropped off your case files and paperwork, but then when I looked out again, you were gone."

"I meant to go back up after I put my things into the car but then I just..." Spencer leaned in for another kiss, trailing his words off. "Then I just needed to breathe fresh air."

"Yeah, that's what JJ said, but I wanted to make sure to catch you. So you put your things in the car. What do you have on you?"

"Wallet, credentials, and that's it."

"Phone?"

"Well, I figured that was a given, but yes I have my phone as well. My gun is locked in the safe in the trunk. I actually feel kind of naked without it, but I didn't want to wear it. It feels strange as I used to hate wearing it, but it's been part of my life for so long while someone was after me."

"Do you want my backup gun?"

"And if I say yes?"

"Then you are human. Like you said, it's been your life for so long that taking the time to actually slowly decompress from this is just fine." Aaron reached behind himself and held out the gun. It was in the holster. Given what had been going on, the gun was jointly registered to both of them so that no court could have an issue with Spencer using it to protect his life if it was needed. Spencer nodded his head, so Aaron dropped down to a crouch.

Spencer pulled his pant leg up and watched as Aaron affixed the gun around his ankle. It was a different holster than what Aaron usually used, Spencer could tell that. It was slimmer, would stand out less. Aaron tucked the pant leg down around his leg and stood up before he leaned in for another kiss.

"If you need me for anything, I'll stop and get you."

"I know. Or Morgan. Or JJ. Probably even Rossi. I'm a big person, Aaron. I can handle this."

The look on Aaron's face said that he wasn't sure and Spencer knew deep down that it wasn't Spencer that Aaron was questioning but Spencer's mind, his fears. Spencer knew that the first time that Aaron had entered his apartment after being attacked there by Foyet, he nearly had a mental breakdown. Aaron had waited to be released, but he had taken a cab home instead of having one of the team take him. Spencer had been stopping by to collect his mail from his box and put it inside of his apartment when he found Aaron nearly out of breath from breathing so hard.

"If I have the slightest freak-out, Aaron. I'll call. I promise. I just need to do this, though. I need to be alone and not just in a room with you ten feet away. I know you will worry so I'll text updates when I'm going from store to store, but I need some me time."

"I understand. I do. Just remember that it taking time doesn't mean you are broken."

"You've had me in enough therapy talking about all of this, Aaron, that I know. I understand that it's going to take time. That it might overwhelm me if I am out for too long. While I might take the train to and from work, I'm not going to drive myself unless you are in DC for something. It's insane for us to live together and take two cars. I will take care of myself and ask for help when I need it, but I need you to not hover, waiting for me to freak out. I need you to let me freak out, to let me fail."

"I will." Aaron smiled at him before wrapping his arms around Spencer to hug him tight. It was a little more affection than Spencer was used to at work. Though the kissing had been as well. "Did you grab your pills?"

"I took my dose right before the meeting and ate a bagel with it. The rest are in the car with my bag. JJ had some bagels in the fridge, I'll buy her a new pack later. I won't get sick and right now I'm heading to get lunch. Well, first, I'm going to go and buy a book before eating."

"Be safe and don't worry about coming home at any time. Jack and I can entertain ourselves, even if we will be lonely." Aaron pressed a kiss to Spencer's cheek before he let go of him. "Stay safe because while Jack might be the soul of me, you are the heart of me Spencer. I am not sure if I would come out whole if I lost you."

Spencer swallowed thickly, and he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to speak at all, but Aaron didn't give him time, he just turned and left. Aaron paused at the doors, his body full of tenseness. "You are the heart of me as well," Spencer said just low enough that Aaron could hear it but hopefully no one else.

Aaron opened the door and stepped through it; his body posture much happier than it had been. Spencer waited until Aaron was gone entirely from sight before he turned to leave. Spencer had three books waiting for him at a little shop in Quantico before he was going to take the train to DC proper. He was going to read two of them while on the train and then the third while eating. Spencer looked up at the sky, it was a bright and sunny day, not too warm but warm enough that Spencer didn't need a coat. Spencer started toward the exit

"Hey Doc," the guard said as Spencer got close. He looked behind Spencer and frowned. "Missing someone?"

"I'm allowed to be alone again. The culprit who tried to frame me for murder has been figured out, and everything is good, I promise. Hotch won't be calling to see when I escaped."

"You okay with me calling him to make sure?" the guard asked.

"Yeah, I am."

Spencer leaned against the outside of the door watching as the guard dialed the phone. He barely listened as the guard talked to Hotch. The man even laughed. Spencer was just watching the clouds in the sky moving around.

"Hey, you are good to go, Doc."

"Thanks. And thank you for doing your job."

"Thank you for not making me be a bastard and refuse to be allowed to leave. I think you are one of the only ones who I have ever had who didn't try and get off base alone. Which is nothing compared to what kind go shenanigans some of the NCIS folk get up to when they think they deserve to be off base and they are not allowed. You have a good day. Enjoy being free."

"I will."

The trip to the bookstore was quick, and then he was ensconced on the train with his books. He settled himself in facing a different direction than usual, putting his now armed ankle as close to the outside section of the train. He didn't want someone kicking the gun, even though he knew that would not make it go off, he did not want to go through the issue of having a gun on the train. He was allowed to carry anywhere that was public. Technically, the BAU was on call all the time unless they were expressly not on call. Then that meant that he was allowed to carry. Spencer hated having attention drawn to himself though.

Spencer lost himself in words on the page as the train lumbered on its way, stopping where it needed. Spencer counted the stops to keep track of the time. He was good at it after so long of doing it. When the train started to slow down for his stop, Spencer put up the book, just having finished it. He tucked them into his chest, wrapping both arms around them. He made his way from the train to the free library that was near the college. He usually dropped his books that he wasn't going to read again there if they were science related which there two were. Spencer really liked the Little Free Libraries that had popped up everywhere. If Spencer had fiction books, he dropped those at the one at the park near where his apartment had been. He would have to scope out a new place closer to Aaron's.

Just beyond the college, though, was where he was headed for lunch. It was a beautiful little place that had one of the best sushi chefs in the area in Spencer's mind. He liked to go and just savor the food. It was a place where he could just exist, and right now, it screamed safety to Spencer. He settled at the table that he usually sat at and smiled at the waitress as she brought him a glass of water. She didn't speak a lick of English to Spencer after he had greeted her in Japanese the first time. Spencer had learned it so that he could easily order and read the menus at Japanese style places. Which was one of his favorite places to frequent.

"You've not been here in a while," Taeko said as she bumped her hip into Spencer's side.

"Work. I'll explain if you can join me for a meal."

"I can. You are the only one here, and Mari can cover if someone else comes in." Taeko wandered away to get their drinks and put in their food order. Spencer looked at his book and settled it on the table behind him. He settled his napkin down on his lap and laid his fork and case knife away. He opened the chopsticks and broke them apart. He wasn't sure that the team had eaten at a sit-down Chinese or Japanese place since that case in New York where the team had figured out that Spencer couldn't use chopsticks. Taeko had put an end to that. He could wield them easily now.

Taeko came back with a pot of spiced green tea and two cups. Spencer took the cups from her hand and settled them down while she set down the pot.

"So, what has happened to keep my boyfriend away from me for so long?" Taeko asked with a smile on her face.

Spencer laughed and blushed. It was the running joke that they were dating, but Spencer knew that Taeko had no want of a boyfriend or a girlfriend. She was on the very end of the asexual scale in that she did not want sex at all. The thought of it, even just listening to it freaked her out. It was what had started their friendship, as soon as she found out where he worked and the degrees that he had as her parents tried to hook them up, she peppered him with questions, and he answered all of them.

"Well, there are some personal things with my boss that upset me, and I kind of stayed away from places that made me happy as I didn't want my mood to sour what I felt for the place. Then I was targeted in place of my boss because of our friendship by an UnSub who wanted to ruin my boss's life. Then when that was taken care of, I was kidnapped, and a person killed to make it seem like I had done it, however, they messed up, and I had seen who took me. My boss made sure that I was not actually charged with that, and today is the first day that I have been allowed anywhere alone since that whole thing started. I'm free and clear, and the person who had tried to get me thrown in jail has been figured out, and the person who kidnapped me was brought into custody when she tried to take my boss's kid to lure me out of what has basically been a protective detail."

"I went by your place, and your neighbor said that one of your co-workers was picking up your mail. So I stayed away. I think though that maybe we should exchange numbers so that I won't worry as much."

"I left a message that I wouldn't be around for a while."

"Yes, the message with no way to get a hold of you without calling Quantico and chasing you down."

"Sure, I can give you my number. I'll give you my cell and my new house number."

"House number? You are moving into a house?"

"No, I've kind of moved into a house. The rest of my belongings are to follow but yeah. I'm living with my boss."

"Oh, you have been staying with him? When can you move back?"

Spencer blushed, and he ducked his head. The sushi chef set down a plate with two kinds of rolls on it and a tray of sauces. Spencer nodded his head in thanks before thanking him in Japanese. The chef nodded his head and stepped back to the kitchen to work on the next set. Spencer picked up his chopsticks and ate two slices before he knew that Taeko wouldn't allow much more evading to go on.

"I was moved into the house with my boss as part of the protection detail. He had the most available move in space, and he's kind of scary, so I knew I would be safe with him. I just...do you remember the coworker that I said I liked, you kept teasing me about a crush."

"It was your boss, wasn't it? Your Hotch?"

Hearing the name Hotch come out of Taeko's mouth with her accent was kind of cute. Spencer nodded his head.

"I see. So you will have to bring him by, with his Jack and we can meet. I guess that means it's a good thing that I sat down with my parents and explained why I probably wasn't ever going to get married. They are okay with it. They are a little hurt, but they are okay. They love me enough to never force me to do something that would harm me like that. My father has started to look into adoption. He's thinking two, two girls. He liked raising me so much that he thinks that two little girls as grandkids would be nice."

"And what do you think?" Spencer asked. Spencer knew that if she explained herself to her parents, then they would understand. He knew that they loved her. They had retired from the restaurant just a few years before. Taeko had taken it over and had been running it well since then. Spencer also knew that Taeko just didn't want to disappoint her parents. Her older sister had been killed by a drunk driver while walking home from school one day when she had been ten.

"I think I don't like being alone. I know that I live with Mom and Dad. We have that big house though because father wanted me to move my husband in with us, but we have the room for two girls, even if they want different rooms. Having two girls, or even a boy and a girl to raise would be nice. I think I am ready, which, according to Mom, is about as ready as anyone who is actually ready for a kid can get."

"Yeah, that's what I've been told before as well."

The conversation turned to less serious topics for the rest of the meal. Spencer was enjoying talking to Taeko in Japanese, and she seemed just happy to have her friend back.

Spencer entered the restaurant that Aaron had sent him the address of. Unfortunately, Aaron had been drawn into a meeting in DC that had run long and so instead of them leaving work to go home and change, Aaron had to meet him at the restaurant. Spencer had never been inside of the restaurant before it looked like it was too fancy for him. While the waiters and waitresses that Spencer could see were indeed dressed up well, it wasn't as bad as Spencer feared. 

"Doctor Reid?" someone called out. 

That spike of fear went through Spencer. He looked around and wanted to reach for his gun, but it was in the trunk of the car. Spencer had found the car outside and put up the guns that he carried. He and Aaron had gone and got him an ankle holster that fit him better, and Spencer had started to carry the gun he had used to shoot Dowd on his person at all times. Spencer knew that one day, he would feel like he didn't have to, but for now, it made him feel safe. Spencer regretted taking off the ankle holster gun. He stood a good step back, putting a wall to his back so he could see everyone that was in his line of sight. He found that it was the host that had said his name. He was looking at him with a little bit of worry on his face. There was no one else around. Spencer swallowed, and it felt like his heart was in his throat, stopping him from being able to entirely swallow. It took Spencer a few seconds to recognize Ashley. Ashley had worked at a little coffee shop that Spencer liked to eat at before moving on after he graduated culinary school. Spencer had not ever found out where he had moved onto. At least at the moment, it seemed like Spencer had found him, though he wondered why Ashley was out front and not in the back. 

"Sorry, Doctor Reid, I didn't mean to scare you. I thought that you saw me."

"No, that's on me. It's fine. I didn't actually see you, and I should have." Spencer forced himself to move forward. He heard the door open and tried not to react. Still, he turned just a little to where he could at least see if they came up behind him. 

"Also, you date gave me your name. I figured that when someone who is very obviously a cop or something gives the name Doctor Reid, it had to be you. If you come with me, I'll seat you at the table with him."

"Why aren't you in the back, cooking?"

"Tonight was supposed to be my night off, but the hostess got sick, and I'm on the list as a back-up. Got to make money where I can. This is a lot less stressful than being in the kitchen too." Ashley waved Spencer to the side, so he walked that way, following behind the host. Spencer looked around at the people that were eating and saw that a lot were couples, of various makeups. Aaron was seated in a little alcove that even with the both of them sitting facing either other, neither had their back to the room. It was a circular table that also allowed them to sit next to each other. Aaron was seated that way, so when Spencer sat down, he slid in to sit beside him. Spencer was the first to lean in for a kiss, and Aaron gratefully gave it to him. 

"Sorry about not being able to pick you up."

"I don't care about that. We are here on our date, and that's all that I care about. I know you were worried about a case interrupting our weekend."

"Yeah, it was a cold case that became not cold, and so the old team took it."

Spencer had wondered what happened to the case that Aaron had been talking on the phone about all morning. The other team taking it was better as it meant that it was going to be less time to get up and running and learning the material needed to understand the case. It also meant that cops were already familiar with the team. It just made things a lot easier. 

"The meeting today was about you in a roundabout way," Aaron said. 

"What?" Spencer turned his head very fast to look at Aaron. He had been deciding on which roll he wanted to eat. His hand knocked into the basket, but thankfully it didn't go anywhere. Spencer grabbed a roll and started to break it into bits and dropped them onto the plate in front of him. 

"It was a meeting about everything that happened and how to handle that kind of thing going forward. Certain offices have dealt with that kind of stuff before. Organized crime, terrorism, but never our section. It's made them think about how to protect us from getting accused of crimes and locals being the ones to handle it. Which after the way that not only our team has been targeted by UnSubs but especially after Lewis tried to get me taken in on a terrorism charge, I think it's stupid."

Spencer felt his eyes widen in shock at Aaron saying that anything bad happened in the chain of command when it came to things like that, in public like this was. Though it wasn't that much of a shock really. Spencer knew that Aaron had been fighting an uphill battle from the moment that he had been called by Spencer and there was a dead body. Spencer shuddered to think what could have happened if he had been of sound mind enough or if he had been out of the country. Spencer had been looking into several studies for his mom, and one of them was a new drug that was created in Mexico. 

"So, what was decided?"

"That BAU agents and other agents that travel and are basically on call all the time, no matter the charge, it will become a federal case and there is even going to be a task force made up. It's not going to be like CARD or even the Domestic terrorism task force. It will be agents from a wide variety of backgrounds inside of the FBI that will be called from their Units if needed. It's going to be a case by case basis. Sometimes all of the Unit and sometimes only part of the Unit will be called in. This meeting was supposed to happen next week, but one of the main people who is going to be overseeing it is going in for surgery on Monday morning, so we wanted this off the ground as soon as possible. The discrete look into people will be happening soon. While members of the BAU will be a part of the base of the unit, it won't be whole teams going, just a single person from each team with each case. Teams have worked men down before. The IRT will not be part of the unit, but Garrett and I will be working together to make sure that everything is nicely covered. Dave doesn't want any part of it, but I figure he'll stick his nose in it at some point." Aaron reached out had picked up his glass of water to take a drink. "I wanted to let you know in case rumors got around, but I don't want to spend our date talking about work. So, you have two minutes to ask anything that you want, and then I want to table the discussion until Monday when I talk to the team."

"Nothing needs to be asked. You covered any questions I have at the moment, and I don't want to talk work either. You met Taeko the other day. What do you think of her?"

"I say she's a lovely young lady. She's very bright and pleased with her work. Though she and I did broach a subject while you were at the bar talking to the chef. While she has considered adoption, her parents will support her with it. Taeko has been dreaming about being pregnant."

"Oh, she wants to do in-vitro?" Spencer asked. He hadn't considered that. 

"For one and then adopt the second."

"She'll be a great mom. Her parents are lovely and retired so they can watch the kids while she works, and when they get old enough, they can go into work with her like she did her parents. I have read about an outstanding facility that does that. I'll be happy to help her with picking, going with her."

"See, I knew you would say that. She's afraid to ask you not to do that part, but to do more."

Spencer looked at Aaron before he figured out what Taeko wanted. It was so easy to understand. He and Taeko were good friends. She trusted no one but him really in life, besides her parents. 

"I have to think on that," Spencer said. He knew that he could do the part where he was just a good uncle to the kids. He might be fonder of them than others, but he didn't think he could treat them nicer than Henry or Michael, or even Jack. That disconnect between it being his kid and it just being his sperm was easy in his head. It was the fear of what kind of genetics he could pass on to the kids. He would have to think and talk with Taeko. Spencer stared off into space and got lost in thought. He was pulled out when he felt Aaron's hand on his knee. Spencer turned toward him, a piece of bread halfway to his mouth. Aaron was smiling, so Spencer popped the bite into his mouth and started to chew. 

"So, Jack wants to go out with you tomorrow night."

"Go out with me?" Spencer popped another bite of bread into his mouth. He really liked the bread. It was light but had an almost sourdough taste but not really full sourdough taste. "How exactly does one go out with a child?"

"Jack calls the night out with me alone, and we do something out of the ordinary going out. I think he has heard the term from too many other parents and thinks that it's grown up. You'll go and do whatever the two of you want to do, without me, without Jessica. He, I think, is afraid that now that you and I can go and do things that you'll forget about things with him."

"Not you?"

"He knows that I love him. He's very secure in my affection for him. He's not as sure with your affection for him. You got to think, you and he have spent a lot of time together, but it's been because you couldn't leave the house. Now you can. Now you can go and do what you want. Of course, Sunday we are going to get back into doing what we used to do before I had to go into WitSec to protect Jack. Unless you want to start something new, some kind of new tradition." 

"No, no." Spencer smiled as he reached out and laid his hand over Aaron's on the table. The one that was closest between them was still on Spencer's knee, but this one was on the table. Spencer squeezed his hand. "No, I would love to get back into what we used to do. I really would." 

"I know that I've been letting you do what you want, and I don't want that to change. You've had a rough adjustment period with having all of your freedom taken away to protect your life and then moving in with Jack and me in the middle of that. I know you were already living with us, but before that, you were very much going to go home. You had a goal. You don't have that anymore, so I need you to make me a promise."

"Okay." 

"If everything gets too much, if you need a break from me, or Jack or just both of us, just say it. It's not going to hurt. You've been you for a very long time. You've never had to answer to anyone else with your comings and goings. Jack will ask, but if you tell him that it's your time or personal, he will let go."

"Have I been gone too much the last two weeks?" Spencer started to think about how he had been connecting again with everyone that he had missed while he was on lockdown. He hadn't wanted to put any of them at risk, so he had stayed away. He hadn't even gone to play chess in the park with his friends. Spencer started to put numbers to how much time he was home from work and cases and see if there were a number that he could do that would allow him time to do what he wanted but gave him more time with Aaron and Jack. Spencer felt that itch starting up on his skin as he thought about it all. He wasn't sure what to do.

"NO!" Aaron said emphatically. He pulled his hand out from under Spencer's and used it to make Spencer look at him. "No, Spencer, you are not gone too much. You've been adjusting, and we all know it. This is a big thing that you are doing, moving in with us after a life alone. Whatever you want to do is what we want. You don't answer to us, you really don't. It's an adjustment. Just like when you moved in. Now we are getting used to you moving around on your own. You have your own issues. I saw you freak out a little, but I wasn't sure if me going up there would make it better or worse. How does your therapist like your progress?"

"Better and better. I'm freaking out less. Especially when surprising things happen. I'm settling more, and while I still a freak and the want of wearing a gun is there, but I don't need to wear a gun." 

"Good," Aaron leaned in a brushed their noses together. Spencer smiled into that sort of kiss. There was the clink of something on the table, and Spencer saw that it was an appetizer platter, there were fried balls of some kind as well a tomato and corn bruschetta, and a dip with some chips. It was a strange variety, but it all looked very, very good to Spencer. He reached out and plucked up one of the fried balls and cracked it open. It was a macaroni and cheese bite. He popped half of it into his mouth and held the other half to Aaron. Aaron opened his mouth, and Spencer dropped the bite in. Spencer chewed, and it was just a single bite into it that he figured out why Aaron had ordered them. It wasn't just some fancy mac and cheese bite. Spencer felt the give of the jalapeno piece and tasted the pepper jack cheese. Spencer laughed as he chewed because it was very much a spicy thing, and it was delicious and right up Aaron's alley.

"I should have known," Spencer said. 

"Eh, you should have, but then you are still kind of getting used to me and my love of hot things."

Spencer laid a hand over Aaron's mouth because he was pretty damn sure that he knew the next words that were going to come out of Aaron's mouth. Aaron had already called him hot three times while they were alone at home. Spencer was pretty sure that Aaron repeating it would make Spencer forget all of their plans to take it slow. Spencer wanted the slow. Spencer needed the slow. 

Aaron licked at Spencer's hand. Spencer wiped that on his napkin, grinning at Aaron. Spencer loved it when Aaron was playful. It was a side that only Spencer, Jack, and sometimes Jessica got to see. Spencer really enjoyed that. He liked the mornings waking up in Aaron's bed or Aaron in his bed. It wasn't a back and forth thing. Usually, it was just whichever bed they felt like sleeping in at the time. It was kind of nice in a way that Spencer had never thought possible. He hadn't thought that sleeping in bed with someone without sex being a part of the relationship would be as good in feeling as it was. Spencer could understand those that kept relationship platonic for a long time. 

Spencer was kind of scared taking the relationship to the next level. He was happy how things were, and even if feelings were involved, sex wasn't. Sex could sometimes mess things up. Sex was sometimes just really, really bad and Spencer didn't know what he was going to do if the sex sucked. He wasn't sure how much of a sexual creature Aaron was if he could be happy in a relationship without sex. Spencer didn't know if he could as well, but he really wanted to try. He really was up in the air at the moment on what he wanted. Everything had been simpler before when the fact that Spencer wasn't okay mentally and he and Aaron decided that the more significant decisions could wait, like sex, like a full-blown relationship but now, now really, he was good mentally, or at least pretty stable. He was down on half the dose that he had been on of the mood stabilizers. He was finding them helpful. Aaron understood his hesitation about them and made sure that he told Spencer if there was anything off about in him the direct hours after taking the pills. It helped Spencer understand that the pills were not changing him, they were helping him be himself when he didn't have what his body and mind didn't have to be himself. 

"So, Spencer," Aaron said as he leaned back to allow the waiter to refill their waters. 

"Yes?" Spencer asked.

"I love you," Aaron said. 

Spencer smiled. "I love you, too."

"We don't have to ever do anything you don't want to."

"I don't understand."

"I can see the way that you flinch a little when we are kissing, and you think I'm going to take it further. We've had the sex talk, so I know it's not that you are some blushing virgin. If you want to set the bar that we don't have sex until you are off meds, we can. If you want to set the bar that we don't have sex until we have had X many dates, we can do that. If you want to set days, months, weeks, whatever. We will do that. This doesn't move any faster than you want. I'm fine with my left, sometimes my right hand."

"I'm just...nervous. I'm nervous about a lot of things that I never used to be nervous about."

"You've had a hell of a year, and while this is one of the best things that's happened to you this year, you are afraid of change in a way that you don't know what to do if that change makes more change. I'm going to be here, no matter what. I'm going to be right there when you wake up. I'm going to be there when you get scared. Without a ring, without a ceremony, I'm here sickness and health, I'm here for richer or poorer. To love and to cherish. I'll be here the days that you are too scared to reach out because you are afraid of being told no. I'll be here the days that you just need someone to hold you when you cry."

"I'll do my best to support you," Spencer said. He leaned in and laid his head on Aaron's shoulder. Aaron wrapped a hand around Spencer's neck and just held him there. Spencer didn't have other words to say. He sometimes swore that Aaron could read his mind, but he knew that it was just because Aaron knew him so well. Spencer knew that Aaron would love and support him, he knew that. He also knew that he had to work through his fears. It was going to take time, time to feel like he wasn't ten feet off the ground anymore but instead just safely in Aaron's arms, right where he should be. 

# The End

**Author's Note:**

> Please check out the rest of the stories be posted for the [Quantum Bang](http://quantumbang.org) for this year. And please drop a note on the art posting and drop some love for rivermon1970.
> 
> I write fanfiction for fun. It's a hobby and a stress relief. I refuse to stress over my writing. What you see is what you get. Errors, plot holes, and all. Thank you for reading my story! 
> 
> I can be found on MeWe (a FB replacement that's better) [here](https://mewe.com/i/beccaqueen1), join me there and we can discuss my fics and whatnot. My writing page for the moment is kind of dead in the water on a FB front as links are being banned for content. 
> 
> The Criminal Minds Reverse Bang sign-ups are open until June 30th! Please check it out [here](https://criminalmindsbangblog.wordpress.com/).


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